Roger Ebert, I may sue you. Last night my sister, brother-in-law and I went to a movie based upon your recommendation and it was the worst. No, it was the worst of the worst. It was horrid.
Not only did I lose 45 minutes of my life (and, since I am in my mid-50s, every minute counts), now I have some deeply disturbing images and dialogue in my head. I may never be able to forget it.
It all started innocently enough.
The Fourth of July holiday week has been hot and humid here in the upper Midwest. A movie seemed to be our best option for staying cool and enjoying some entertainment. Which movie? Searching online, I found what looked like a fun summer romp: Ted, starring Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Currently tops at the box office, Ted is about a grown man whose best friend since childhood is a talking teddy bear.
I'll admit, the reviews were mixed with some critics giving it only two stars. Yet, other reviewers, like Besty Sharkey of the Los Angeles Times, thought Ted was great, and the Minneapolis Star Tribune gave it a glowing review.
So did Roger Ebert.
Roger wrote, "The funniest movie character so far this year is a stuffed teddy bear. And the best comedy screenplay so far is Ted, the saga of the bear's friendship with a 35-year-old man child."
I should note that I greatly admire Roger Ebert, and have found his movie critiques to be spot-on over the years. With Roger's endorsement, our little trio trundled off to see Ted. Everything was great at the beginning. While the theater seats are circa 1950, the air conditioning was cranked up high and the popcorn was tasty. As the movie opened, we chuckled as the teddy bear that came alive -- this movie was clever! Could this flick be in the same league as The Hangover?
After 20 minutes, we knew it wasn't. As an adult bear, Ted, was downright nasty. The jokes were vile and disgusting. It had to get better, right? After all, Roger sang its praises.
It didn't get better.
Ted is rude, crude and lewd. Actually, that can be a great combination and make for a really funny movie, however it must also be well-edited and humorous. Ted is neither. We were groaning, not laughing. My sister and I whispered back-and-forth: "What do you think?" "This is horrible!" "Should we leave?" None of us wanted to be the one to make the decision, so we stuck it out much longer than any of us wanted to.
Finally, we left. It's the first time I walked out of a movie in years.
We all agreed that Roger Ebert owes us a refund.
So, Roger. Send me a message, a tweet or a comment. I'll tell you where to forward the check and we'll call the matter closed. Believe me, you don't want to get my attorney involved. You see, he also saw the movie, and thought it was gross. And, guess what: His name happens to be Ted. Attorney Ted is none too pleased with you right now.
Contact me now, Roger, and we don't have to involve lawyer Ted. Really, it would be better that way.
Follow Nancy Wurtzel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@nancywurtzel
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it was quite funny by the way,more funnier that 21 jump stree,in MY opinion
70% in RT,quite good in the box office and most people were sutisfied.so TED is quite good
i dont think that is made for a a women in her 50′s and i dont mind to offend…
if you have movie experience then you may be able to understand that people have different tastes,you cant sue someone for recomending a movie.for example i cant watch THE MATRIX for over 5 minutes,but i respect the people who like it
you said yourself ”Currently tops at the box office-good reviews- so you are telling us that most people have a bad taste humour when you don’t???
I went and checked Ebert's review. The warning signs were there (a hi-larr-e-ous Corey Feldman joke?!?) that it was something this mid-50s guy should avoid. Besides, I have put MacFarlane in the three-same-unfunny jokes circular file and had noted how many reviews had said "No, I know what you're thinking, but, really, this is good." Ebert says as much. Remember how they said that about the Andrew Dice Clay movie? Yep. We're older and we should know better.
Ebert also describes it as the best comedy script of the year. Has 2012 really been a comedy bonanza?
No. You are not owed a refund. He enjoyed the movie. You did not. Stop riding his coattails as a writer.
And, I ask our internet support systems, what's up with this post getting the top three hits and his actual review coming in at number four when I google "Ebert ted review?"
Roger Ebert reviews the film based on the INTENTIONS of the filmmaker. So he gave this film a 3.5 star review. So what? It means that Seth MacFarlane hit the notes he needed to hit to make his story work. You know what else he gave 3.5 stars? Wes Anderson's "Moonrise Kingdom." But we, and he, knows that Wes Anderson's film is better than "Ted" they are just both successful at hitting the notes the director intended on hitting.
In all honesty, what made you think that you (a mid-western woman in her 50s) would have enjoyed "Ted" a film clearly marketed to Seth MacFarlane's already well established fan base? It sounds like YOU and not Roger Ebert made the bad decision here.
Full disclosure: I don't enjoy Family Guy, American Dad and I have no intention on seeing "Ted." Why? Because I RESEARCHED IT and decided it wasn't for me!
Anyone who is writing in the "Entertainment" section should at least know something about film and television.
What did you think you were going to see? It's not exactly a secret what it's about. In fact, Roger Ebert told you so. Even if you didn't want to read the entire review, which pretty much spells out exactly what the movie is about and pretty much why you hated it, you could at least have read the subtitle, "The dirtiest teddy bear movie ever". What was the big surprise?
Most people can usually tell if they enjoy a movie within the first 20 minutes, or so. I've done this at AMC theaters.
Also: I'm frequently at odds with some of my favorite critics.
AND: Roger Ebert wrote the line, "You will taste the black sperm of my vengeance." in 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.' Just tossing that in here. :)