Tara Fass2013-05-20T01:54:37-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.news.moviefone.com/author/index.php?author=tara-fassCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Tara FassGood old fashioned elbow grease.Private Eye aka Cupid's Assistanttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.31487932013-04-30T01:24:49-04:002013-04-30T18:32:41-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/especially if in your guts you suspect something askew with your new Romeo's intentions. Is he or isn't he wearing a wedding ring is not enough third party verification of the most basic suitability. As I wrote in an earlier blog entitled, "Clarifying Questions," does someone else think he's unavailable? If he is truly available, are the personal and important facts he reveals reliable?
If you're not an amateur Nancy Drew and your technology savvy is only good enough for a rudimentary Google search of someone, that's where the services of a former journalist turned private investigator such as Fraidy Reiss can come in. All kidding aside, Fraidy's for-profit professional services, is her paid day job that makes her not-for-profit life possible.
Using her know-how to access public records under the Freedom of Information Act, Fraidy can rather quickly get to the bottom of the question whether or not a man is married or if he owns property with a woman, his full name, other aliases, credit worthiness and even his political party. Another friend who is an amateur super sleuth says she can also find out where an email address originates.
And why would you need to go to such lengths to evaluate the appropriateness of a potential new mate? Fraidy tells of a friend, a new widow who had come into a tidy sum of life insurance. She met a man who boasted of his substantial wealth. Huge, glaring red flag alert.
A truly confident man would not have to brag. Braggadocio aside, let's say he's so impressed by you he wants you to think he's impressive? He's merely leading innocently with his vulnerability? This could be attractive. A quick and simple probe might be the best insurance when you are tempted into being swept off your feet, unaware of being caught up in a foolish or regrettable rebound mode. Turns out Mr. Big in this case was deeply in debt, in the midst of a foreclosure on his house and going bankrupt in business.
So if you were lucky to leave your marriage with a nest egg, caveat emptor, buyer beware do not let your heart get your pocketbook in trouble. Better to be careful upfront. Does this ring true for any of you? I am very interested to hear your story. There is no shame in sharing if it will help the next person.]]>Easing Transitions Between Two Homes in the 'Tender Years'tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.31473302013-04-26T12:06:05-04:002013-04-26T12:06:10-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
Co-parenting is rough. Putting your own wants and needs side-by-side with the child's and yes, the other parent's too, helps create a mutual willingness to do the right thing. As despair and rage subsides, adult relationships reconstitute from lovers to more business-like, problem-solving platonic parents. It's possible this way to be devoted and reliable parents, who raise secure well-loved and cared for children.
Here are 5 tips that might help avoid dreaded custody battles, known as the "diaper wars."
Calm Down: Your distress will be communicated to the child and result in his or her distress. Same holds true with your good attitude and reassuring presence. Ask yourself: What are you unfolding to? By definition we all have blind spots and want to get out of our own way. Where do you see the baby in your arms 10 years from now? What are the obstacles in your path to getting along with your co-parent? You didn't get to this combustible nightmare alone. Develop a neutral perspective that adequately shares the blame and shame, drama and trauma. People don't just collide. We get together out of choice.
If substance abuse or mental health is an issue, then by all means start there and work with what you've got. Put promises into writing.
Weaning: For those who breast feed: Fathers, be patient. If a toothsome child ever bit your nipple you'd know mothers rarely prolong weaning. Moms, don't use weaning as a stall tactic when it comes to physical custody. Increasing your time with the child to pad or shrink support orders is also wrong and counterproductive.
Overnights: The joy of being the first and last face a young child sees upon waking or falling asleep is inspiring and bonding. Start with feedings, cleaning, and then proceed with naps. A baby should have a dedicated sleeping area. What's the policy for having the child in your bed? If needed, this is ideal subject matter for co-parenting sessions.
If a skills brush-up makes sense, push for parenting classes. When parents work with reasonable expectations, chances are that good enough co-parents will result. If you're still enraged by the unfairness of it all, return to step one.
Overnights, midweek time, sharing weekends and re-scheduling are issues for kids of all ages. For newborns, when is the baby ready to leave the house? Overnights are grown around weekends. How much time is appropriate at each parent's home is based on roughly three factors: 1) a parent's track record of consistency with their parenting time; 2) your child's readiness; and 3) older children's influence, if present. The basic formula is one overnight for every year in the age of a child. Under age two, expect to split every weekend. From three on, alternate weekends go from Friday to Sunday, expanding to Monday morning by age 4. Mid-week time is another issue -- ideally infants and toddlers shouldn't go more than 2-3 days without seeing either parent, even if it's for 20 minutes.
For trust in a child to be deeply rooted, each parent needs to step up for full cycles of good times, break-downs and soothing repairs.
Separation Anxiety: Transitional stress in the back-and-forth between parents is normal. A well bonded infant or toddler might take 20 minutes to settle down. Parents, pick-up is an adjustment event and should be prepared with distractions -- snacks, drinks, and songs to sing while driving. Even adults need time to transition!
The releasing parent makes leaving easier by narrating what to expect. "Taking a nap? I'll see you after your little sleep." Or, before an overnight, "I'll see you after your big sleep." "Big eats are breakfast, lunch and dinner. Little eats are snacks in between." This is a line directly taken from my book intended to decrease the transitional stress between co-parent's two homes called, The Turtlebirds Shuffle. Not settling down an hour into the exchange? Discuss... civilly!
The new paradigm: True joint physical custody starts earlier in the life of a child nowadays. When no-fault divorce began 40 years ago, 80-90 percent of physical custody was with the mother -- a short weekend and an occasional mid-week dinner with father was typical. The new normal of the 1980s was the 70/30 plan with longer weekends, Fridays to Sunday or Monday, and a weekly overnight. In recent years a 60/40 plan has been widely adopted for toddlers. Weekends can start on Thursdays for the 40 percent parent and Monday overnights after the 60 percent parent's alternate weekend. Sound complicated? It doesn't have to be.
Along with gender neutrality, co-parents are expected to be self-supporting. Stay-at-home single parents are the exception. Agreements made during the marriage about the division of labor become moot in the divorce. With both parents working outside the home, grandparents, daycare and household staff are expected to pinch hit.
Hostile separations and divorces are harmful and outdated. The new consciousness of mental health, legal, and financial professionals is collaborative, stressing healing over litigation. Test out your co-parenting plans. Be prepared to make modifications along the way. Pull it together, even as you break apart, for your precious child.]]>Matchmaking Undone: Something Borrowed, Blue, Old and Newtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.31100272013-04-22T16:41:48-04:002013-04-22T16:41:57-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/Sholem Aleichem over a hundred years ago that inspired one of the most successful Broadway plays and perennial movie favorites, Fiddler on the Roof. This unlikely line also brought Lindsay Rothenberg and Fraidy Reiss together nearly one year ago.
Rothenberg is a great-great granddaughter of the author and a young filmmaker interested in Jewish and women's issues. Fraidy Reiss is the founder/ director of Unchained At Last, a non-profit organization, a kind of "freedom train" for helping women leave abusive arranged marriages from all walks of life.
When Fraidy's teenage daughter and volunteer social media director found Lindsay in the Twitter-verse last summer how could she know that the quote which emboldened her mother, held meaning for Lindsay, too? Now in the fundraising phase, the goal moving forward is for Lindsay to make a documentary called The Hen that Crowsabout Fraidy and her work.
A quick synopsis of the conflict at the center of Fiddler on the Roof may help readers understand its relevance to divorce and co-parenting. Three sisters from a poor family, each in succession from oldest to youngest, buck the tradition of arranged marriages using matchmakers.
The first daughter says no to the matchmaker, and her parents, even after a deal is closed with a prosperous older butcher, and chooses her own mate. The second bypasses the matchmaker altogether and chooses her age appropriate mate as well. The third marries outside the religion. Fraidy could be the fourth sister in this lineage, providing a way out for women previously disallowed by religious law to initiate divorce and have custody rights.
Old traditions die hard for various reasons and some don't ever die. Take matchmakers, for instance. In the modern version practiced today the bride and groom have much to say about whom they marry, midway between the first and second daughters in Fiddler in the Roof.
When a matchmaker's service works well it's as if these brokers speed up romantic destiny and personally escort lovers onto the super-highway of settling down. Caveat emptor, Latin for buyer beware: Less successful matchmakers may be pushy and wrong-headed go-betweens who match up two prospects who enhance each other's weaknesses until all manner of chaos breaks loose.
Fraidy admits with a chuckle that she might have been a difficult or harder to place and challenging candidate for the matchmakers in her community. In high school she began to push the limits of ultra-Orthodox modesty and fashion by daring to wear knee socks instead of tights under her long pleated skirt. In a round-about, counter-intuitive way, Fraidy's marriage -- which left her with two daughters she unequivocally adores -- left her better off in her evolution (painful at times) as a human being.
Ironically, in a Sholem Aleichem-like plot twist, it was Fraidy's bad marriage that helped her to uncover the courage to find satisfaction in her present-day life, but not without challenges. For nearly a decade, Fraidy and her children have been considered dead and shunned by her entire family. This is especially painful in regards to her beloved sisters. There is a rather minimal custody agreement played out mostly in kosher restaurants that could be improved upon.
So while something old, such as matchmaking, preserves the continuity of tradition; something new is divorce, which offers hope for renewal and optimism for the future. Something borrowed is found in the strength of a newly created self-determined community. Something blue is the sadness of loss gained through any struggle. And as the English version of the old rhyme goes, a six pence in your shoe for finding what you need along the way.]]>The Boss Steps Asidetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28969592013-03-21T13:56:17-04:002013-03-21T13:52:51-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/Renoir the film, directed by Gilles Bourdos which opens nationwide on March 29, brings us to his final period set in the south of France amidst World War I. His throbbing aged hands figure prominently and mirror the ruthlessly enduring continental battle.
Renoir is full of light, color and sensuality. With transitions of sound and scenes the movie portrays an overall organic passage of power from elder to younger. The Oedipal struggle is less rocky than one might suspect among self-involved personalities within an influential accomplished family. It's this generational transfer fully integrated with the cinematography that captures the attention of Lewis Perkins and me as we discuss this film.
Arriving at the manor of the Renoir estate, the female protagonist is Auguste's last artistic model. Catherine Hessling pushes aside the gate and saunters towards the family home. Hessling encounters the youngest son Claude, a somewhat cast off, almost feral teen who tracks her like a curious animal of prey.
The beauty of the precocious socially adept, yet vulnerable model envelopes all characters in the film. She mysteriously claims to be sent by The Boss's now deceased wife, Aline Victorine Charigot, who is not to be upstaged even by death as she visits "The Boss" in his tormented dreams of war's injury to their two older sons, Jean and Pierre.
Hessling walks through the house passing servants, once attractive models themselves, who now dutifully attend the severely arthritic and nearly blind aging patriarch. As she brushes through the kitchen doorway, the audience is swept up with the magical air of dancing luminosity and the buoyant sounds of grasses, leaves and branches. As a cinematographic masterpiece, this is one of several splendid visual and mood transitions which only seeing the movie can convey.
Catherine becomes Jean Renoir's (film director) lover, and later his first wife and first leading lady. The anguish of war's irrationality invades the domestic ambiance. Jean's patriotic and self-imposed obligation to return to battle, even after injury and the objections of father and sweetheart provides tension.
In a pivotal scene, Jean and "The Boss" arrive at a détente. Aline's cousin Gabrielle Renard, nurse to the children and lover to the father, whom the late wife had banished from the household returns. So while "The Boss" is a bit cowed and grumpy about Jean taking up with Hessling, he's still disturbed by Jean's being filled with the fraternity of war.
Nothing will dissuade the young lovers and there is no longer biologic need for father and son to compete for dominance over a muse. Each is satisfied with the arrangement. Not to be tortured by what he can not have, senior Renoir to Jean gives and takes his own sage advice, "Let yourself be carried through life like a cork on water."
Light is the unifying principle of the movie. Casting and the portrayal of the time in the lives of the characters are fantastic and exemplary of the French view of optimism, even in pain. The fluctuating daylight and visual depiction of motion and stillness creates a mirror of the genius of the father as painter, the eldest son as actor, the favorite middle son the filmmaker, the youngest a budding inventor of a rolling canvas so father can paint with greater ease, and the women who hold their attention.]]>She Said, He Said, They Said...tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26823462013-02-26T17:11:05-05:002013-04-28T05:12:01-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/The Stories We Tell, Sarah Polley's first autobiographical documentary film inspired this discussion between Gary Stewart and me. A staple of Canada's film and television culture, Polley has done strong work as a multi-hyphenate actress, singer, screenwriter, director and political activist who came to attention in the United States with a moving performance in the stirring movie The Sweet Hereafter. Polley's creative work began as a child actress.
Stories We Tell reminds us of Rashomon, the Kurosawa classic about the subjectivity of perception. In the recollection of a crime, several contradictory though plausible accounts of what has transpired arise. Our observations come from different center points. Mine is a story heals a wound. Gary's focus is the storytelling.
For us, this movie has many narrative reveals. What seems like a peek-a-boo or hide-and-seek is not gimmicky. Rather it is how we perceive a story that examines as well as reveals itself. That it takes you along the journey it purports to be is one of its great strengths. We create a new story as we write this blog. In making choices how and what to tell, we edit.
It's in our DNA the film instructs us, to take chaotic data and make meaning out of the experience. The story tellers are consistent with their own worldview but also collaborate to comprehend the whole picture. Needing to connect denied repressed truth is so big the challenge is how to get a grip on it or grasp it for long. Polley's friends and family differ primarily in how parts they come into contact with are described.
These are ultimately civilized and principled people. Their excitement generates and resolves heated conflict. Reality television this is not, though the dramatic subject matter may be. Two competing fathers and one daughter who lost her mother too young is the primary story. The secondary stories are selective views and a compelling need to tackle the material. Each one arrives through a prism they then challenge.
Perspective often finds its most powerful expression in the editing bay. Each has respect for inquiry and the other's point of view. This is a contemplative group. This complicated process of helping Polley is delivered with compassion, patience and aplomb. A minimum of blame, hysterics and shame is refreshing.
Our species drive to make meaning out of moving targets occurs in infancy with the central accomplishment of object permanence according to developmental psychologists. The confidence that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be seen, heard, or touched is a concept without which there would be no separate existence in or outside of the collective.
Stories are told and re-told. The end of the story is never attainable even in death. The inadequacy of approaching infinity or zero in the elusive and profound calculus of life is as good as it gets. In essence one never gets it right. As the director Sarah Polley's presumed legal father (because her mother was married to him at the time of her birth) sums it up as the "illusive vagaries of truth."
Accurate stories are powerful, necessary and relevant yet difficult to achieve. People's need to find the story that can set you free through short-term negativity, discomfort, and questioning generated. For Polley, solving the paternity issue is the centerpiece of her quest for a true birthright. But the bigger meta-truth is what my story is.
One question settled, and in its wake you find out other facts in an ever-expanding larger picture. It's not just about who created your nature/nurture. In her quest for true parentage, Polley finds out more about her late mother, which opens up new uncertainties.
Each father wants to steer the story or parts of it. We all want and need to tell a story and capture it all. Acceptance becomes the knowledge you get what you get and never all of it. What of Polley's mom and the degree to which unexpressed material was left unexposed upon her death? Dead or alive everyone is complex and a mystery. Bit by bit, what we get is revealed in a non-linear narrative.
Sometimes information about another is bared as the players become known. Layers of meaning are based upon trust, adding another piece of the puzzle that surfaces as you figure it out. Getting to know each other is intimately tied to the nature of consciousness and how it emerges.
Dole out reveal, repeat. How the story plays out is not a mystery. Forty minutes into it, you don't realize the story double backs on itself. As you drill down the facts, more unpleasant yet enlightening information is uncovered. A recipient of a work of art alters the work. Interactivity and multiple interpretations become one. Healing wounds through stories never entirely resolved is a naturalistic approach precisely because you never achieve the entire story.
The film --like the editing process -- winds and rewinds reaching resolution before the band aid is ripped off. The filling in of facts piecemeal while struggling with the truth is Charlie Kaufman-esque. As you get close to understanding self and healing wounds of the past through a series of reveals, the revelation is you're in the midst of an enriching story becoming more meaningful. In asking questions from a place of inquiry the value of this process grows.]]>Divorce Proof Your Marriage With This is 40tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.23978542013-02-06T11:12:36-05:002013-04-08T05:12:01-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/Judd Apatow's newest missive This is 40 is a plausible romantic comedy about a married Gen-Ex couple striving to improve their lives. Film critics and acquaintances are equally divided on its cinematic virtues. Dear friend and longtime Apatow fan Gary Stewart and I recently engaged in a lengthy discussion of its merits.
Make no mistake, This is 40 raises prickly issues in a light-hearted way. Not mere raunchy male comedy meets chick lit flick, our protagonists are in a mid-life funk, not a level five nuclear meltdown nor a four alarm fire just approaching one. Not too late to avoid divorce, it's time to hit the pause button on their conflicts, fight fair and repair. These folks are managing very delicate and real probabilities.
The hater's camp finds these protagonists to be privileged, whiny, shallow ingrates -- contemporary Bickersons and fairly unsympathetic. A hypocritical contentious wife who nags an adorable but feckless husband is not entertaining or enlightening for some; especially those unhappily married or happily unhitched.
For appreciators and the passionate advocates, This is 40's astute, sharp observations and wit work. We find the haphazard problem solving to keep a marriage together complete with draining in-laws and financial troubles amusingly refreshing. For us it exposes the foibles of immature 'bad' behavior in the attainment of a more mature, fully realized life. Competing demands of daily life both add to and detract from loving attitudes and behaviors in life as well as art.
This is 40 is farcical slapstick at times. It pokes fun at the duality of life. We block ourselves in attaining the goals we set, authoring conditions and providing the fodder necessary to improve. It's nearly impossible for everyone's needs to be met safely and simultaneously in a family and yet, it's a worthwhile pursuit.
What ensues is ironic and less than desirable, despite the peak efforts of all involved. In the best sense, these people deserve each other and belong together as they evolve. Rather than moralize, the film's characters are sympathetic, despite their frequent unnerving insecurities and vulnerabilities. Aptowian flaws are not problems per se -- problems make characters more empathic than their strengths do.
This is 40 delves into the frustrations of becoming level-headed and dependable with a free-wheeling spirit intact in a rather perfect Garden of Eden-like setting, at least on the surface. It competed directly with a more serious family dilemma and serious Oscar contender Silver Linings Playbook, in which a working-class family deals with managing chaos, the particular havoc wrecked by an adult child's bi-polar and older father's obsessive-compulsive disorders.
Neither are desirable or charming predicaments. Admission to and struggle with flaws bonds characters to us. In both films, families face challenges to their cohesiveness and ability to keep it together on many levels -- patience is tested.
Gary and I fell deep in the trenches for the trans-generational transmission back-story both films portray. How life's current challenges are inherited from elders and passed to the younger to plow through fascinates us.
As for This is 40, the parent's determined delay considers the idea that aging requires no longer having fun as out of question, while the children continue their rapid-fire normal development. Theirs is a collision course that avoids disaster for these over-grown children trying on adulthood and their somewhat prematurely aged kids.
The purest characters are the pre-pubescent youngest child who is skeptical about growing up, and the kind wise nonagenarian who holds a hopeful larger perspective for everyone.The fathers of Gen-Ex, who are new fathers themselves, providing leadership roles in delayed maturation which provide comic relief and tension. The mothers of Gen-Ex are curiously nowhere to be seen.
Postponed maturation is an obstacle to overcome for these Gen-Ex'es, those born between 1965 and 1980, who married and had children early enough to have formerly divorced fathers still procreating with younger women. True to naturalism, everyday heroism occurs as unintended consequences of half-way conscious choices unfold.
Hence, the film plays older. This is 45, is apt. Despite best efforts, life is a constant catch up -- comprehension lags behind action. Blind spots do us in. Innocent lying and hiding emerge with harsher realities. Often we're muddling through a bit lost, not quite knowing what else to do or just yet.
Accepting the vagaries and hard truths of life, falling apart and staying with each other through it all results ultimately in taking responsibility, not repeating the sins of the recent past. Sufferance in comfort is unsustainable or at risk unless greater selflessness and pragmatism is accomplished kicking and screaming.
The folly or blessing may be their retro solution (without revealing too much of the plot). What might grandmother's advice be? "Wake up. It's later than you think." Or, "Where there's life there's hope." Or, "You are smart, for the children's sake; you can do better."
In an interview Apatow did with grown man-child, newly remarried actor Alec Baldwin, they concluded it's possible to integrate it all: enjoy oneself as a responsible nurturing parent, husband and provider. In this way the desired admixture contained within the battle cry, "Have it all," is within reach.
Devourer of self-help literature, Apatow is keeping art imitating life honest. Hedging his bets by cultivating himself spiritually with teacher and author Ram Dass via Skype, Apatow keeps it authentic and grounded.
This might strike some as a revelation. Those who have been paying attention see it's another logical step that completes Apatow as a seeker and sharer of his self-exploration, especially in his work as a director refining the questions and less about answers it seems to us.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This post has been updated since its original publication.]]>Musings Of A 3 Percentertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24419282013-01-24T19:01:38-05:002013-03-26T05:12:01-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/three percent of other Americans who have married and divorced three or more times. Three years ago, Cindy convinced me that her third foray into matrimony would succeed because her hubby-to-be was "normal." Middle-aged, with no children of their own and reasonable step-children and their canine "baby", there was a strong possibility of connubial bliss for the long haul.
There's was a mutually agreed upon traditional division of labor -- he the primary breadwinner and she the homemaker. A proficient "domestic engineer," Cindy used downtime cultivating her creative pursuits as a visual and performance artist, as well as freelancing as a location scout in the entertainment business.
Husband number one was an adorable ex-Ringling Brothers Circus clown and stand up comedian. Husband number two was in an Elvis cover band when she met him. Husband number three had been sober 16 years, was in Alcoholics Anonymous and, as she relayed to me, was "a simple truck driver;" he would be the charm and not another strike-out.
"Wrong!" she claimed as they called it quits just before Christmas. When I asked what happened, she said, "I started saying me first when we were intimate. In the past I always put the man first."
Cindy recalled that there were troubling signs within months of getting married but, "I chose to have compassion, knowing we only know how to love the way that we were loved." Cindy surmised he was overwhelmed by a sense of deprivation from early on, abandoned by his father, raising his siblings in the projects with a teenage working mother.
Cindy thought she was doing right by "ignoring the signs, accepting and understanding with compassion without complaining," until a year and a half ago. What tipped the scales according to Cindy was that hubby number three refused to take her to the emergency room under doctor's advice. She comforted herself that he was afraid and paralyzed by fear. They called off their date night plans, but he went out with his buddy instead, which infuriated her.
Over the next 18 months, it was increasingly difficult for Cindy (who is known for her gregariousness) to swallow with grace Tres-Hubby's various requests. On top of his OCD and enthusiasm for constant watching of televised sports, she was forbidden to speak about his kids or his friends. She tried to keep a lid on her growing dissatisfaction by reassuring herself, "He is just being who he knows how to be and this too will pass."
Cindy's profound questioning lead her to ultimately pull the plug and take the relationship off life support, but she continues to mull over her part in their demise: "If only I'd tried harder to see things in a different light. Could I look at my husband and say he is not who I think he is, but re-create the meaning I give to our failed relationship? If I was able to react differently, would we have been able to work through our rough times?"
"Could I have decided to believe that he loves me dearly but isn't able to show it to me the way he shows it to his friends and family and just get on with what makes me happy in life and allow him to be who he is?" Instead of dwelling on the impasse, Cindy still wants to forgive and "do what I need to do to create my happiness. Was it my unwillingness not to overlook what seemingly stood in the way of us that ended it?"
The separation is about a month old and appears to be holding. "My final attempt at compassion was to ask if he would go to therapy, so that I could learn how to communicate with him and he emphatically said no. I do know one thing for sure. When living in the illusion of security in my marriages, I became too comfortable and lazy. I didn't feel the need to connect with friends and family outside the marriage but I had never felt so alone. I am now out with friends almost everyday and even family, much more often than when I had someone here waiting for me at the house."
"Weird isn't it?" Cindy asks wrapping up our stirring conversation. "He didn't want to do anything that I enjoyed. In the beginning he did adventurous things with me, like go to film director John Waters' Christmas party, but within months of putting the ring on my finger, he resumed his old habits of watching TV from the moment he got home from work until bedtime, not even sitting at the table for dinner anymore, following his fantasy leagues and seeing his two buddies once or twice a week, all centered around sports on TV."
Does any of this sound familiar? We're curious to know your thoughts based on your own experiences.]]>7 Tips For Co-Parenting Teenstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12400792013-01-23T12:30:21-05:002013-03-25T05:12:01-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/ It is wise for co-parents to be on the same page regarding the following:
1. Allowing the minor child to obtain a driver's license and providing an automobile for the child to drive. We all know how important driving is to teens. A car should not be used as a tool to lure a teen into spending time at a parent's home. Cars are just like the child's other property; unless you're sharing your car with your teen, the child's car should travel with him or her and should not to be held for exclusive use in the home of the parent who purchased it.
2. Use of smart phones, laptops, iPods and clothing. Co-parents must cooperate in permitting toys and clothing to move freely between households, whenever it is reasonable to do so. Each parent must use his or her best efforts to ensure that items are available for each child's use where they will be needed or wanted. As each child gets older, he or she can be reasonably expected to remember to bring particular items they may want. If one of the adults has a special request regarding return or use of a particular item, that request shall be made directly to the other parent, outside of the children's presence.
The goal is to make sure that these items are fairly distributed and available for the children's use in a relaxed and natural way, so that the children do not become over-involved and so it does not become a cause of tension between households.
3. Permission for tattoos, piercings, and any and all other permanent and impermanent alterations of the child's body. I am of the mindset that it's perfectly reasonable co-parenting etiquette for co-parents to discuss a child's haircut before it happens. When children know you're talking about them in a productive way, even seemingly small matters such as this helps to make them feel more secure.
4. Employment prior to the age of 16, 17 or 18 years.
Whether it's a barista job or one in which your child is coming into contact with a deep fat fryer or something along the lines of babysitting, modeling or acting, it's important to be on the same page regarding employment opportunities.
5. Enrollment or termination of attendance in school or university, marriage before the age of 18 years, and/or joining a branch of the military service. This must be discussed and agreed upon by both parents.
6. Household routines. It's important to have a discussion about household routines and expectations around chores, bedtimes and television viewing or video game playing. Parents must think about this in advance and develop and narrative to explain similarities and differences in the two households.
7. Teenage sexuality, curfews and substance use. Unlike other household rules that may vary between houses, co-parents must agree to maintain a mutually consistent set of expectations and rules regarding teenage sexuality and substance use. Once this set of expectations and rules has been established, it will be enforced the same way in both households.
With regards to teenage sexuality, such rules may include but not be limited to an "open door policy" while entertaining children's friends and partners in each home, restrictions surrounding sleepovers and protocols involving communication with the parents of children's partners and friends, especially when the situation includes another minor child.
With regards to teenage substance use, such rules may include pre-planned consequences over breaking the rules (such as taking away the car), agreements about using a parental residence for a party and what degree of tolerance over tobacco and substance use, if any, that each parent is comfortable with.
The more clarity and definition you have in your co-parenting plan the better. For many of you, the co-parenting plan will be put in a drawer and rarely, if ever, looked at again. For all of you though, thinking these issues through and really taking them seriously will make a world of difference.]]>Youthful Approaches To Styling Your Hairtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.23602752013-01-13T08:51:00-05:002013-03-15T05:12:01-04:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/Erika Schmidt has been getting to know and dare I say perfect my idiosyncratic and defiant curls for the last 20 years. In fact, the photo you see of me here was taken the day after she did my hair. For years my curls were my enemy, but no more. I can now say without embarrassment that I love my curls, or more accurately, I have learned to love them.
For the last decade or so our conversations tend to what I should and shouldn't be doing with my hair after the age of 50. While the dictum, "You get what you pay for," holds true here are a few tips a pro like Erika is suggesting to keep your hair do in play. What follows is her top four suggestions to, "soften and/or erase aging features:"
1. Don't get those bangs that little girls have. She's talking about the ones that cover and go across your whole forehead. The ones that don't blend or fit in with the rest of your hair in any way. Bangs like that are cute on children, she says. They are not pretty, sexy or attractive on an adult.
Erika's advice is to allow her to frame my face with a few curls. She cuts in a way with lots of layers to bring a few strands forward, up and back in a controlled messiness that includes some pieces that frame my face.
2. Don't go too shoe-polish dark with hair color that hardens you and creates a clownish look. Throwing a few highlights on top of my base color a couple of times a year is what I do along with discretely placed low-lights at my temples and roots. That is all I'll say, as color is a highly complicated process and an intensely personal choice. Chances are an experienced colorist will have some better ideas than your own.
3. Don't let your grey roots get too long. Roots are something that look better on younger women, maybe. The whole reason for coloring your hair is to not to let your roots show. When I can't get to Erika on time, she has introduced me to several different root cover sticks on the market. Have one handy, so that until there's time to have your roots done, your grey will be covered.
4. Cutting your hair short and like a man only brings your aging to the forefront. And we don't need any help in this direction. A better solution is to have a conversation with your hair stylist expressing your interest in a more maintenance free hair style. Short is not necessarily the answer. My 'go to' hair products are aloe straight from the garden and high quality coconut oil straight from the jar, as curls notoriously need a good deal of moisturizing and coaxing into place.
The truth is I value how my hair looks more than following clothing trends, which has become less of a priority over time, though I am getting ready to rethink that any day now. I value my hair presentation on par with my waistline, teeth and eyeglasses. Staying current with the upkeep of those things I'm good to go, in any company, and feel uber-confident even among my favorite and most stylish clothes-horse friends.
For me, looking respectable, but definitely not invisible, gives me an extra boost in mood and attitude that comes with a positive self-image that I look for every day. Though the people who know me well say my hair always looks the same - even when I think I'm having a bad hair day - knowing my hair is attended to adds to my day. Everything goes better if my hair is put together.]]>Opening the Hips in Yoga: The Frog, Fire Log and Swantag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23861792013-01-02T17:27:35-05:002013-03-04T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
Who among us hasn't had hips that ache, hurt, stiffen, and give us lots of troubles, especially as we age, asks Darlene. Five years ago her own condition deteriorated to the point she was limping, in chronic pain and was told by her medical doctor to anticipate a hip replacement in three to five years. Instead, she turned to one of her yoga colleagues and came up with three postures that have worked so well for her that surgery is nowhere in sight at this time. Darlene calls the frog her "savior posture," followed up by the helpful fire log and swan, which is a variation on the proud pigeon. Darlene claims that doing these three poses religiously is the reason why her hips hurt no longer.
Darlene is a study in duality both deadly serious and playful. Here's an example of the latter. She suggests that I do what she does. "Always say, 'Hello to Dad!' when opening the right hip, and 'Hi Mom,' when opening left hip." As a therapist of course I find this interesting, but what to make of it, unsure at the moment. I am unlearning to ask so many questions, though Darlene assures me we will get into this more deeply at another time. I go along, for now.
Increasingly, Darlene has been using essential oils in aerosol form to heighten the yoga experience. She suggests scenting my yoga practice space with "chill," a rainforest blend of copaiba, ocotea, lavender, cedar wood and hint of vanilla, creating an ambiance designed to coax students into surrender to enjoy the moment. Darlene also asks me to "give your hips a color, a texture; breathe into the gluey and funky; open the jaw and release that color right out of your throat." Surprisingly, the color that comes to me is a ruddy brown.
In the frog posture, she guides me to keep my feet flexed; shin bones parallel, tailbone pointing downward like a flashlight shining between the heels with a straight spine. There are variations: one frog leg at a time, feet resting more naturally. I like her suggestion best to try frog against the wall, feet pressing into the wall, ankles, shins, and inside knees on the floor, tailbone backs up to wall as close as body allows. "Oh, yeah," she exclaims.
Fire log is also known as square, or full seated pigeon which involves the external rotation of the hips. Bring the two shins one on top of the other like logs. Look down and see a triangle in the negative space; groin the apex, shins the base. Use blocks or blankets under knees as needed to keep the pain in check. Stack just your ankles to start.
Swan is an incredibly vigorous hip opener. Darlene advises to put two hands on two blocks on the floor just under the armpits, but this doesn't work for me. As you rise up in this posture, she recommends, sit with one leg in a right angle in front and the other extended along the floor relaxed. Chest up, shoulders down.
Flexible people bring the front shin parallel to mat, foot beneath the sternum. A normal person (which is what Darlene has named the less flexible among us) bends that front leg as needed. Leading with the heart come down to floor into sleeping swan and rest your head on your folded hands or a block. Hold each side three minutes for the full effect.
So there you have it. After a few days of these three postures, about 15 minutes a day, I am feeling appreciably better. These postures will definitely be part of my daily regimen to address the nagging stitch in my hips.
For more on yoga, click here.]]>Opening the Heart in Yoga: The Camel, Melting Heart and Wheeltag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23596602012-12-27T15:10:12-05:002013-02-26T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
Yin is not easy. It does take time in postures so that you don't become dizzy, to allow for a slow letting go of grasping and overachieving. Darlene brings it together with a breath mantra: "Breathe in light and space, exhale the bones and density to the Earth. Accept was 'is' right now: no judgment, no analysis, no comparisons," says Darlene.
As her student, I gravitate to these postures to counteract the negative effects of sitting many hours at a time in my profession that is added to the time I spend sitting while driving. Darlene tells me to breathe in space around the heart and connect the arms and shoulders to my heart, thinking of them as the "wings of the heart." To enhance the experience, she scents the practice space with one of her own essential oils in aerosol mists.
Darlene lightly sprays the air with the sweetness of flower petals (symbols of love) to invite more sweetness into our hearts. With so much grief and loss in life, she says we forget to take a deep breath and burst out of that straight jacket of fear and armor and say, "Ah," for as long as we'd like. "Breathe into the spaces behind and in front of the heart, sending the energy down the arms and out the tips of the fingers" she advises.
The camel, the melting heart and the wheel: These are her top favorite open-heart poses. Any back bend done safely will do. In our discussion, we dare each other to have an anxious or depressive thought while doing an open-heart posture, and we can not.
If the wheel is too advanced, start with a bridge. If you're up for one more suggestion, a move a bit more on the esoteric side, says Darlene, try to add warrior pose when you're ready. The counter-intuitive undoing of the negative in taking the pain of the warrior and turning it to something noble is an essential existential task for modern life in the fast lane, I say.
For more on yoga, click here. ]]>Degas Dancer: An Easy and Effective Open-Hearted Posetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23328062012-12-20T14:58:20-05:002013-02-19T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/toxic dump myself. Having tested myself for the last few years, I find I can do this pose in office attire, of all kinds. I've tried it in suits, pants and skirts, as well as a dress, and as the title says it's very effective and rather simple, even with jewelry on.
Start with the pose depicted in the sculpture "The Little Fourteen-Year-Old Dancer" by Edgar Degas (French, Paris 1834-1917 Paris). Stand posed in a relaxed fourth position, back arched, belly forward, hands clasped tightly behind your back, but don't overly do it. The tendency is to push it, but not the first one or two cycles.
Gently, feel how this open-hearted pose opens your chest. Roll back your shoulders up, over and behind in a counter-clockwise, oblong-shaped circle. Look up, at the third eye, or the mid-point between the eyes and a little farther up. Keep your forehead unwrinkled; don't over-arch with the head.
Let this opening in the chest take as much time as you can give it, even if it's not all that you need. Comfort yourself knowing you can do it again, in another hour or so. If you get dizzy, it's a sign that you're overdoing it. You're not ready to open up or arch more. Listen to your body; it doesn't lie. If you do get dizzy, focus on your voice box, the mid-point between your collarbones. Another way to visualize balance is look to the horizon.
Feeling particularly steady on your feet or want to change it up? Tap your foot that's forward. You'll feel the stretch now in the back and front of the foot. Next, release the hands; bring them up over the head in a clockwise, circular motion and bring your hands to your thigh, just above your knee, or lower down your shin, to your ankle, or on your fingertips to the floor. Release the head. Say yes to all the good things life has to offer. Say no, thank you, to the things you don't want to invite into your life.
Enjoy the stretch, don't rush it, which goes for the earlier stretch too. Now, reach forward, as though something was pulling you up and out, slowly but surely, and then letting you go at the highest point you can go. Imagine that you are now leaning back into the feather bed of life as you look up and back, again not wrinkling your forehead, as it's a sign you're going too fast or being overly ambitious in the pose. Again, if you get dizzy, keep your eye, focus and attention very acutely on your voice box and the horizon line.
Repeat by changing your feet. Step to the center and put the opposite foot out in front. Clasp your hands behind you and repeat. If you're really advanced, bring your hands into a reverse prayer pose.
Make sure you reverse this entire posture, too. Start by reaching for the leg that's in front of you, working your way up over and back. So there you have it. Enjoy. Be safe with this posture. It's deceptively simple. Don't underestimate its power. Let me know what you think. I'm always looking for new variations and visualizations.
For more on yoga, click here. ]]>Solving Holiday Time-Share Dilemmastag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22446912012-12-14T14:00:09-05:002013-02-13T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
What's the best way to navigate the emotion-fraught holidays in terms of co-parenting timeshares? Where do we draw the lines between entitlement and empowerment, between what you understandably deserve and want and what is rational? Think of the legacy you are shaping, a lifetime of memories your children are forming right now.
When you're sharing children's time, start with a positive mindset and a heartfelt attitude. The big-ticket question is whether to share the big holidays (Thanksgiving or Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and New Year's) as parts of days or alternate the full holiday from year to year.
Here's an approach that will hopefully lead to greater happiness all around. In even numbered years, one parent would have "first dibs" on the right to celebrate the part of the holiday that means the most to them. Though unlikely, that may even include "the right of first refusal" and opting out of the holiday altogether, allowing the other parent to have all of it. In odd numbered years, the other parent would do the same. The parent whose year it is to exercise the time takes what means the most to them and what remains, aka the leftovers, goes to the other parent.
For example, if one parent has Thanksgiving, they might take the children out of town for the entire weekend, from the last day of school on Tuesday or Wednesday until Monday. The other parent then gets to exercise all of Christmas Eve and Day along with a substantial amount of the school vacation, especially if travel is involved. To balance out the equation, New Year's Eve and Day goes to the parent who had the lion's share of Thanksgiving, unless the parents agree to conjoin Christmas and New Year's, which may go to one parent entirely.
In the spirit of flexibility, and taking into account what the children are asking for as well, the parent with the majority of the holiday may invite the other parent to attend the planned festivities, especially if they're celebrating locally, without expectation that the invitation will be accepted or the favor will be returned.
The other parent is expected to make the most of their time with or time off from the kids. The idea is to impart a sense of mutual generosity, knowing that there's a pay-off. This negotiation strategy is based on each parent feeling reassured that they will have a chance to feel fully entitled and satisfied at least every other year.
When it's not your year to have the kids during what many consider to be the biggest holidays, then you could have "first dibs" to the heart of spring/summer holidays, which are Easter and Passover, as well as July 4th and Memorial and Labor Day weekends.
So what's required for any successful passage through a holiday cycle? Cooperation and a light touch makes the most sense. Remember, your child is regularly on the move, migrating between the very different realities of your two homes. They rely on your child-centered wisdom and grace to help guide them in for a safe landing.]]>Why Is Therapy Like a Toxic Dump?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22729512012-12-12T17:40:40-05:002013-02-11T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
Kidding aside, may I also suggest that therapy is a place to unload a "toxic dump" in the office and, by doing so, clear your path in the real world? Therapy is not to be confused with mere complaining. What you can more safely experience in the office (that which feels broken and unsafe outside) and leave it between us, therapy then becomes a safe place and a bridge to new ways about thinking and feeling, instead of just reacting.
Whatever rift was created in your relationships must be repaired through tolerable interactions with another human too, in this case your therapist. That's why in-person therapy is by far the best mode of contact, though other modes of communication such as the telephone, texts, email, etc. are also handy. There is a quality of being "all in" by meeting in person for therapy sessions, which is not to be underestimated.
Weeping, breaking down and muddling through your complaints in the presence of a third-party trained to help you pull it together again can be highly rejuvenating and refreshing. Yet finding the right one can be challenging. When reaching out to therapists you may want to work with keep in mind a few practical considerations in addition to their theoretical perspective and training: Do you want to commence therapy with a man or a woman? What age range do you want your therapist to be?
You may have some rather unconscious criteria too that may sound outlandish stated out loud, such as: Are you afraid of or looking to feel you're with an idealized version of your mother or father? Is there a desire, perhaps, to fall in love with your therapist? Does a therapist's voice or photo repulse, thrill or scare you? These are emotions and questions that might come up in you to pay attention to.
Maybe you want to choose a therapist who might be tempting in these or other ways. In any case, to keep it interesting (and if your therapist doesn't pick up on it first and address it) see to it that you bring all of this into the treatment room as soon as possible. The experience of therapy will be compromised if what feels forbidden or poisonous is avoided and suppressed. Remember, thinking and talking about what is awful is okay in a way that acting out in shameful ways is unacceptable.
How fast should a therapist call back after you make the initial call? It's simple: the sooner probably the better, even with a second call-back in round two of telephone tag. You want a therapist who is flexible and responsive, and one who also holds strong boundaries.
Think about how the professional makes you feel personally. Rarely does anyone reach out to a therapist expecting a day at the country club. You are likely up to your armpits in deep suffering. Previous attempts at figuring out your issues have not been working, even though you may be meditating, going to yoga, reading all sorts of self-help books, and talking endlessly with close friends and family. You're still a hot, melting-down mess, longing for resolution and somewhere safe to unload a toxic dump.
Is there a real person -- a therapist -- who you can make a connection with and who is trained to help you squeeze through what feels like a dark and narrow passage? Though this entire blog post may sound like advice, good therapists strive to steer clear of giving advice. They help you sit with discomfort and contain your symptoms long enough -- whether it is anxiety, depression or obsessions and compulsions -- to make it possible to feel and think rationally so that you can sort out what is going on, heal and self-correct.
The benefits of therapy are nice "work" if you can get it. The effort to figure out your conflicts and motivations on a comfortable couch in a nicely-decorated office with one other person, rather than unloading on your loved ones and friends, may be well worth the effort.
For more on mental health, click here. ]]>How to Find a Therapist Who's Good for Youtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.21219892012-12-03T10:54:03-05:002013-02-02T05:12:01-05:00Tara Fasshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tara-fass/
One patient likened therapy to "emotional vomiting." Another likened it to cleaning out her "junk drawer"; another to "connecting the dots" on his life. Therapy is a place to take a toxic dump in the office and clear your path in the real world. When you safely experience in the office that which feels broken and unsafe outside and leave it between us, then therapy becomes a safe place and a bridge to new ways about thinking and feeling, instead of just reacting.
Friends and family who are normally your go-to trusted advisers will likely have suggestions and names of practitioners. They know you after all, but also may be too close to the situation and too invested. Chances are your feelings today are linked to unfinished business in your family of origin. Your go-to trusted advisers may in fact be players to some extent in the drama that's a current impediment in your life.
Whatever rift was created in your relationship must be repaired through interactions with another human too. That's why in-person therapy is by far the best mode of interaction, though other modes of communication such as the telephone, texts, email etc are also handy. There is a quality of being "all in" by meeting in person for therapy sessions, which is not to be underestimated.
Doctors and lawyers, your insurance company, even the internet can all be good sources for referrals to therapists for first-timers. Reach out to a couple of therapists unless the therapist has a specialty no one else in your community provides.
Keep in mind the following practical considerations: Do you want to commence therapy with a man or a woman? What age range do you want your therapist to be? Are you afraid of or looking to feel you're with an idealized version of your mother or father? Is there a desire, perhaps, to fall in love with your therapist? Maybe you want to choose a therapist who might be tempting in these ways so that you can bring it into the treatment room as soon as possible. Same holds true for a therapist who repulses, thrills or scares you. These are emotions and questions that might come up.
Feelings that surface when you look at photos may also come up when you hear the therapists' voices. Notice those feelings when you hear a voicemail or speak with a therapist on the phone. How fast should a therapist calls back? It's simple: the sooner probably the better, with a second call-back in round two of telephone tag. You want a therapist who is flexible and responsive, and one who also holds strong boundaries.
Beyond considering a therapist's specialties and theoretical approach, think about how the professional makes you feel personally. You are road-testing some of your initial responses to words and pictures alone if the therapist has an internet presence as well as a website.
At this point in your life, you may be up to your armpits in deep suffering. Previous attempts at figuring out your issues have not been working, even though you may be meditating, going to yoga, reading all sorts of self-help books and talking endlessly with close friends and family. You're still a hot melting-down mess and probably acting out, longing for resolution and somewhere safe to unload your broken heart.
Is there a real person -- a therapist -- who you can make a connection with and who is trained to help you? Though this entire blog post may sound like advice, good therapists strive to steer clear of giving advice. They help you contain your symptoms long enough -- whether it is anxiety, depression or obsessions and compulsions -- to make it possible to feel and think rationally so that you can sort out what is going on, heal and self-correct.
The benefits of therapy are nice "work" if you can get it. The effort to figure out your conflicts and motivations on a comfortable couch in a nicely decorated office with one other person, rather than going to court and waging a battle, is well worth it. While I don't have a proverbial crystal ball, I can say with some assurance that the self-improvements and attitude shifts you can voluntarily undertake today to avoid a child custody battle will likely the resemble the ones that you will be court ordered to do after court battles which are too expensive at any price. The choice is yours. Good luck and ever onward as this is tricky territory.]]>