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movie novelizations crossroadsParamount

"It's like another contemporary American phenomenon that's truly moronic. The novelizations of movies. You're much too brilliant for that."
– Woody Allen, "Manhattan"

Indeed, movie novelizations are a strange cultural artifact if there ever was one. Why would you want to read something you could spend 90-minutes watching? We could see people curious about a major blockbuster, say a new "Star Wars" movie coming down the pike, reading to quench their thirst for spoilers. We could also imagine it was fun before the era of home video to revisit a favorite flick in your mind's eye. But THESE movies?

That's right, we've uncovered 10 hilariously misguided efforts to novelize movies that should never have been made at all, let alone canonized as "literature." Cheesy horror sequel? Check. Video game adaptation? Check. One of the biggest flops of all-time? You bet. We've read through them all to pluck out the most ridiculous excerpts we could find, so you don't have to... Not that you'd want to.