Ditching Piranha 3D's Spring Breakers for the grand opening of an adult-themed water park (The Big Wet), Piranha 3DD stars David Koechner as Chet, an ethically-compromised water park owner who inadvertently triggers the sequel's full-scale feeding frenzy. And so it's up to his step-daughter Maddy, played by Danielle Panabaker, and the rest of the park's staff to save their paying customers from becoming fish food. And did we mention it stars The Hoff?
More importantly, how can Piranha 3DD possibly top a movie that reportedly chummed the waters with 75,000 gallons of fake blood a day and featured more body parts flying at the screen than Showgirls? To find out, I put on my 3D glasses and crunched the numbers. After all, someone had to.
(Warning: like the marine biology on display in Piranha 3DD, the following is something of an inexact science. All numbers feature a margin of error of 3.)
Estimated Piranha 3D budget: $24 million Estimated Piranha 3DD budget: $20 million Piranha 3D worldwide box office gross: $83,188,165 Reasons why Piranha 3DD got made: 83,188,165
Runtime of Piranha 3DD (including credits): 83 minutes Runtime of Piranha 3DD's credits and blooper reel: What feels like 15 minutes Piranha 3D pays homage to: Jaws Piranha 3DD pays homage to: Jaws 3D
Appearances by former Piranha 3D cast members: 3 Appearances by former Celebrity Apprentice cast members: 2 (though technically, David Hasselhoff appeared on Celebrity Apprentice Australia) Appearances by former Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew cast members: 1 "Celebrity" reality shows appeared on by Gary Busey and Hasselhoff (combined): 12 Years since either has un-ironically been considered a "celebrity" (combined): 36 Total days spent convinced Amber Tamblyn, not Danielle Panabaker, was starring in Piranha 3DD: 5
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Oscar-nominated actors who cameo in Piranha 3D: 1 (Richard Dreyfuss, parodying his iconic role in Jaws) Oscar-nominated actors who cameo in Piranha 3DD: 1 (Gary Busey, parodying himself) Total Oscar nominations for Piranha 3D cast members: 3 (2 for Dreyfuss, including 1 win, and 1 for Elisabeth Shue) Resulting awards movie cred: Up 10% Total Oscar nominations for Piranha 3DD cast members: 1 (again, for Busey) Resulting awards movie cred: Steady at 0%
Baywatch Parodies: 3 Years since The Hoff last played Baywatch's Mitch Buchannon: 9 Songs sung by David Hasselhoff: 1.5 Drinks enjoyed by David Hasselhoff: 1 Drinks necessary to enjoy Piranha 3DD: A matter of personal preference
Grossest use of 3D in Piranha 3D: Jerry O'Connell's character's severed penis being spit at the screen Extreme close-ups of a dead cow expelling piranha embryos: 2 Grossest use of 3D in Piranha 3DD: See above
Biting Fish: Hundreds Fish Bitten: 1 Fish gone medieval on by Ving Rhames' Deputy Fallon and his shotgun legs: 20 Eyes put out by trident: 2 Self-mutilations: 1 Decapitations: 2 Gallons of blood used: Enough to fill an Olympic-sized pool (or at least a wave pool) Total body count: At least 100, 5-7 of which are given important screentime
Instances of gratuitous full-frontal nudity: 2 Piranha 3DD's DDs: 6 (3 pairs), not including Dan Driscoll of the movie's makeup effects crew Total boob count: 46 (23 pairs), and 2 cartoon, all of which are given important screentime
Love triangles between humans: 1 Love triangles between fish: Undetermined Wistful stares: 7 Sex scenes interrupted by piranha: 2
Celebrity lifeguards employed at Big Wet Water Park: 1 Water-certified strippers employed at Big Wet Water Park: 3 Actual certified lifeguards employed at Big Wet Water Park: 0
Time spent hoping The Hoff would save the movie: 65 minutes Time spent hoping The Hoff would save the other characters: 35 seconds
Number of characters who claim they're professional marine biologists: 2 Questionable scientific claims made: Too many to count (including, but not limited to marine biology, human biology, and basic plumbing) Evolutionary barriers broken in Piranha 3DD: 2 Laws broken in Piranha 3DD: Too many to count (including, but not limited to multiple counts of public indecency, drug use, bribery, and illegal drilling)
Piranha 3D Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 73% Piranha 3DD Rotten Tomatoes Rating (as of press time): 17% Sequel set-up: At least 1 Returns: Rapidly diminishing