'Battleship' And The Worst Toy Commercials Disguised As Movies (PHOTOS)

Moviefone  |  By Posted: Updated: 05/19/2012 11:53 am

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"Battleship," opening in theaters this weekend, tells the story of a brash young Navy officer who is swept up into a ... blah blah blah. Really, the only thing that matters here is that, after throwing down money for a ticket, you can go out and get that genuine "Battleship" experience once again by buying the board game, the electronic game, the video game and the LEGO knockoff KRE-Os.

In the end, a film from Hasbro, the company that brought you 'Tranformers," is really just an elaborately disguised plot to sell toys. (Yes, director Peter Berg claims that "Battleship" is an "art house movie." The only problem is he said that during the middle of a toy fair.)

Yet, as shameless as the whole "Battleship" endeavor may appear, it's not the worst toy commercial disguised as a movie. While Hollywood inches ever closer to resembling "The Mattel and Mars Bar Quick-Energy Choc-O-Bot Hour" from "The Simpsons" ("Major Nougat! Gooey! Cocoa! Put down those entertaining Mattel products! Colonel Kataffy is up to his old tricks!"), audiences have to prepare for more board games, video games, comic books and candy wrappers that use cinema to hawk their wears.

To brace for this inevitable future of film, lets take a look at the most blatant toy commercials disguised as movies.

PHOTOS:

15. 'Battleship'
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Movies: we don't tell stories anymore, we just want you to buy more stuff.

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"Battleship," opening in theaters this weekend, tells the story of a brash young Navy officer who is swept up into a ... blah blah blah. Really, the only thing that matters here is that, after throwin...
"Battleship," opening in theaters this weekend, tells the story of a brash young Navy officer who is swept up into a ... blah blah blah. Really, the only thing that matters here is that, after throwin...
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Emerald275
1 Fans
07:36 PM on 05/20/2012
And the american sheeple eat it up. Americans LOVE to be sold stuff, they can't consume enough.
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lthrnck68
Reading IS
137 Fans
01:53 PM on 05/19/2012
Seems like the author has problems with movies and their commercial applications or viceversa. I haven't seen Battleship yet, but I have read the book. The only resemblance the movie has to the game is the title. Most of the other movies listed came before the effort to market toys and other goods. Fairly crappy stuff too that obviously did not do well in spite of the movie success.
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DAWK
31 Fans
01:10 PM on 05/19/2012
THERE ARE WONDERFUL CONCEPTS OUT THERE WHICH FANS WILL NEVER SEE IN THEIR LIFETIME; REASON-WHY? ALL THE JUNK/CRAP MADE TO SELL MORE ICON DOLLS TOYS LICENSING GARBAGE (ALL THIS DOES,IS TO FILL UP THE GARBAGE DUMPS EVENTUALLY) HAS DESTROYED ANIMATION AND PLACED IT INTO A HUGE PILE OF STEAMING,MIND NUMBING, JUNK/COMMERCIAL CARTOON VENTURE,AND 'SCREW THE FANS'....BIG corporations/ BIZ BOYZ ,JUST WANT THE MONEY!!
SADLY,KIDS PHYSICAl and mental health is now damaged,with clogged arteries and stolen college money,for 'toys' and video games,in the thousands of dollars,and we now have a fed-funded 'loan',which comes 'due' and forceably payable,via a lifetime debt of a hundred grand +all stolen by mind bending animation ceos who just want more money from kids and parents.
MY OWN ANIMATION CONCEPT WAS DENIED A GRANT FROM THE mC aUTHUR FOUNDATION,GIVEN TO AN ARTIST WHO USES RECYCLED GARBAGE FOR 'SCULPTURES' IN LOS ANGELES. FURTHERMORE, SOME OF THAT 'GARBAGE' CONTAINS OLD TOYS FROM DECADES OF JUNK ANIMATION/VIDEO GAMES......
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JeffinCT
0 Fans
03:55 PM on 05/21/2012
Dawk: tsk, tsk, tsk. A little bitter, aren't we? You all (the snobbish writer here at MoviePhone also) want to blame the big movie companies or the Hasbros of the world for all of today's problems. Parents are still, and always have been the gate-keepers. Sure, my kids have products from Cars 2 and Toy Story and they get plenty of pleasure playing with those things. But they also (4 and 2) already know the alphabet, how to count, basic addition and subtraction, how to pronounce letters and proper etiquette. My wife and I spend just as much time on learning and life skills as we do on movies and fun. The key is balance. There are just as many bright, competent and caring parents as there are "sheeple" in America. Toys and movies are like ice cream - a little bit is GREAT. Too much and it's bad for your health. I think most people are intelligent enough to know how to portion out the fun and frivolity of movies, toys and marketing. Pisses me off when people blame all of their problems on perceived societal forces. Grow up and take control of your own (and your kids lives).
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Zaphod67
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12:37 PM on 05/19/2012
A lot of the products listed were tie-ins for existing products. Such cross promotions, as far as movies are concerned, have been around since the silent film era. What is different about movies like Battleship, Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean, Clue, Super Mario Bros., G.I. Joe, etc. is that they are movies based upon a particular toy, game or ride, and not a product based on a movie (or TV show or comic book or book, for that matter) unlike Batman, Star Wars, Robocop, Godzilla, Jurassic Park, Rambo, Fantastic Four, The Hulk, Hook and Alien Vs. Predator. Of course what that means, as I pulled the above 10 non-qualifying titles listed from the article, is that the author of the article only listed five movies which matched his hypothesis. Oddly enough, he missed on Pirates of the Caribbean, G.I. Joe, and Clue.
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ClanMacKinnon
539 Fans
12:12 PM on 05/19/2012
The thing is, I grew up on the "Battleship" game. Me and my father played it constantly.

A truly great game.
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brianwjones
If ignorance is bliss, I don't want to be happy.
454 Fans
 
12:04 PM on 05/19/2012
and this is the worst advertisement disguised as a news article.
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CAPTK
90 Fans
12:04 PM on 05/19/2012
It's not about toys, but when talking about movies as commercials you can't do much worse than the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was literally financed by Quaker Oats as a marketing vehicle to introduce their Wonka line of chocolate bars (before they sold it to Nestle).
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StuntHunt
259 Fans
12:14 PM on 05/19/2012
Maybe so, but it was a cool movie!
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darkevolutonary
author/artist/jack-of-all-trades, master of none..
108 Fans
 
11:29 AM on 05/19/2012
Once they saw the kind of money Lucas pulled down with the Star Wars franchise back in 1977 it was all over. The studio giving him franchising rights in place of an additional percentage was the biggest mistake they ever made, a mistake that no movie or tv production will ever make again to the point that there are many toys produced from shows meant for collectors and not even for kids. I used to work in the toy market, (after market, auctions etc), half the time they don't even expect the consumer to ever open the packages anymore...
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MIMom
Your ad here.
548 Fans
 
08:42 AM on 05/19/2012
The "Cars" movies were the worst Pixar films? I'm thinking that honor belongs to "Ratatouille".

I think the 80s Transformers were MUCH cooler toys than today's version.

Fantastic Four was an OK movie. If you want to go down the "pointless" road, you could say that MOST movies are "pointless".
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krimsonkombatant
10 Fans
09:03 AM on 05/19/2012
I loved the Cars movie! And I'm glad someone agrees, I thought Ratatouille was awful. My kids love that movie and even still whenever they want to watch it I cringe. I won't let them miss out on it but, blah! Good thing they like Cars and Cars 2 more!
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Breanna Elise Jones
0 Fans
09:26 AM on 05/20/2012
Wow, really? That just shows how two people can watch the same movie and come away with different opinions--I got Ratatouille for Christmas a few years ago and l LOVED IT!!!! and still do. The same goes for the Cars movies
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Peter Ruzzo
My micro bio was empty
67 Fans
01:52 AM on 05/19/2012
The continuing of the dumbing down of America. We're going to all be so stupid that we'll be even easier to control through special effects and mind manipulation.
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nychaseter
No 1 needs big govt...til they need it
370 Fans
 
09:25 PM on 05/18/2012
Surprised the GI Joe film(s) didn't make the cut...
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MIMom
Your ad here.
548 Fans
 
08:43 AM on 05/19/2012
No kidding, or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
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brianwjones
If ignorance is bliss, I don't want to be happy.
454 Fans
 
12:07 PM on 05/19/2012
GIJoe was unwatchable! Comparing the Ninja Turtles 1 and 2 with that is blasphemous! The 3rd TMNT however, when they went back in time to fight Japanese samurai warriors—that's fair game.
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Eric Larnick
9 Fans
10:09 AM on 05/19/2012
You can switch out "Masters of the Universe" with "GI Joe" or "TMNT" and its pretty much the same result. He-Man is especially stupid, however.
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jdrourke
Please don't let my facts deflate your ignorance.
1177 Fans
08:05 PM on 05/18/2012
That was pretty funny and equally upsetting. There is actual creativity in Hollywood, you simply won't find it in Battleship...the movie.

http://jdrourke.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/sink-this-battleship-a-guest-rant/
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Matthew McKenzie
0 Fans
06:43 PM on 05/18/2012
Most of these are pretty terrible, 'Hook', however was actually a pretty cool movie as a kid, and I don't remember any toy or video game tie ins.
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