Perhaps it's the fact that I need to escape the onslaught of "Hunger Games" news. Perhaps it's the fact that I have a slight affinity toward the first "Piranha 3D" movie from 2010 (though, a lot of that has to do with the presence of Adam Scott). Regardless, I don't want to let the new "Piranha 3DD" red band trailer escape into the ether without truly capturing every morsel of its greatness/awfulness before I quickly forget it even exists. In other words: Whatever! Here's my live blog of the "Piranha 3DD" red band trailer.
:02 I must admit, the actual redness of any red band trailer always freaks me out. Also: define "mature." Because that word means different things, especially if we're talking about the porn industry.
:09 So far, just people having a nice time. Hey, imagine if that was the whole movie. Oh, wait, I forgot, that movie exists and it was called "Project X" and it was terrible.
:13 Watching nudity while in the office is a strange feeling. "No, I swear, this is for work. Really!"
:17 "Tell me you did not replace our old lifeguards with strippers." I feel this is the type of thing that only happens where man eating fish might attack.
:18 Wait, David Koechner is in this?
:19 "Water-certified strippers." Whammy!
:30 A child is claiming that he was bit by a piranha. His mother does not believe his story. I feel the presence of under-protective mothers is the type of thing that only happens where man-eating fish might attack.
:40 Not only am I surprised that Christopher Lloyd is in this movie, I had completely forgotten that he was in the first movie, too.
:49 I would bet money that Christopher Lloyd thinks he's in a serious movie.
:54 When swimming in a swamp, or whatever, at night, "Is that you?" is never a question that you want to ask to your swimming partner.
1:01 David Hasselhoff is in this movie, which seems right.
1:05 The biggest question here: Is Hasselhoff playing himself or is he playing Mitch Buchanan? And if he is playing Buchanan, is this canon to the original "Baywatch"series and 'Baywatch Nights"?
1:16 I actually hope that the people who are currently wearing Ryan Gosling's jacket from "Drive" decide to adopt David Koechner's jacket into their personal wardrobe, too.
1:25 Hasselhoff admits that he's not a lifeguard. Sadly, I still have no idea if he's playing himself or Mitch Buchanan.
1:30 "Double the Action." Oh, God, just don't say "Double the Running Time."
1:35 Seriously, I don't want to know what just happened right here. Ever.
1:41 Ah, "Double the Ds." See, that's what they call a double entendre because that could refer to the extra "D" for "dimension" in the title, or a bra size.
1:47 The sight of Ving Rhames just made me sad. This ship really isn't turning around, is it?
1:49 Are Ving Rhames' legs being used as guns? Did "Piranha 3DD" just rip off "Planet Terror?"
1:50 Yep, they sure did.
2:01 A small piranha just swam through what was most likely miles of pluming, just to visit this girl in the bathtub. I would watch a documentary on that journey.
2:08 And now I'm being directed to a Facebook page for more exciting photos. Which I did, and -- correct me if I'm wrong -- but I believe all of the exciting photos are from the first film. You know, it's probably for the best.
Mike Ryan is the senior writer for Moviefone. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com and GQ.com. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter