As you're reading this, Project X is currently playing in movie theaters. The new film tells the tale of a group of brave chimpanzees horny high school students who escape from a government testing laboratory throw a party. As a service to you, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Project X.

Q: Were you offended by Project X?

A: No. To be honest, I was bored by Project X.

Q: How could Project X be boring? Parties are exciting!

A: When an entire movie is one big party scene, parties can become very dull. It was like watching a 90-minute Coors Light commercial.

Q: What were you thinking during this movie that you've never thought before during a movie?

A: "I really wish that Michael Cera and Jonah Hill were in this movie."

Q: How does Project X begin?

A: With a written thank you to everyone who filmed the movie and an apology to anyone who was upset by the party that was thrown.

Q: What does that even mean?

A: Project X wants you to believe that this was an actual party, and the film has been spliced together from the footage shot by the people who attended the party. In reality, Project X was filmed on a studio lot and this whole concept of "submitted footage" is barely used. By the end of the film, it's dropped completely.

Q: Does Project X have a plot?

A: Not really. The party is thrown for a somewhat social outcast named Thomas Kub (Thomas Mann). It's his birthday and his parents are out of town for the weekend. His friend, Costa -- an actor named Oliver Cooper, doing his best Jonah Hill impression -- invites more people than he was allotted to Thomas' house. Hi-jinks ensue.

Q: From now on, will you refer to Costa as "Faux-nah Hill"?

A: Yes.

Q: What kind of things does Faux-nah Hill say during the course of Project X?

A: Faux-nah Hill spews lines throughout the course of the movie that usually have something to do with the moisture level of his penis.

Q: So Project X only has the two stars?

A: There's a third friend named J.B. (Jonathan Daniel Brown), who is overweight. And, as a result, there are plenty of "being overweight" jokes in Project X. So the film has three stars -- or three and a half stars, if you count the pot-smoking dog.

Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for Project X, what quote do you think will be used?

A: "Three and a half stars!" Mike Ryan, Moviefone.

Q: Will Project X remind me of any parties that I used to attend in high school or college?

A: Unless you've been to a party that features a scorned drug dealer using a flamethrower, no.

Q: By chance, while using a flamethrower, does the drug dealer say, "You burn me; I burn you."

A: He does.

Q: At what point do the chimpanzees show up?

A: You're confusing this with the 1987 film starring Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt, also called Project X.

Q: Is this new Project X a sequel to the 1987 film?

A: Though the events of the 1987 film having nothing to do with the events in the 2012 film, it's never specifically addressed whether or not the characters live in the same universe or not. So, based on that, I'm inclined to just go ahead and say, "yes." Though, I wouldn't want to take a shit on the '87 version, which, in comparison, should now be considered a classic.

Q: How many, "Oh, your erection is totally noticeable through your pants jokes, which were shocking when Anchorman came out in 2004" sight gags are there in Project X?

A: One.

Q: What's the most unbelievable thing about Project X?

A: That Miles Teller ("Footloose") -- in the role of "Miles" -- plays the star athlete.

Q: Wait, isn't Miles one of the chimps from Project X?

A: No, you're thinking of either Virgil or Goliath.

Q: Through the errors of their ways, do Thomas Kub and Faux-nah Hill at least learn a valuable lesson?

A: No, actually. (Spoiler alert, if you care.) Thomas' father, who comes home to a burnt down house, a submerged-in-water car and a son facing criminal charges, takes a, "That's my boy. Wow, I thought you were a loser, but it turns out that you're not. I'm proud of you," attitude.

Q: What's the message of Project X?

A: High school popularity is more important than a college education and future incarceration. (Or that military testing on chimpanzees is wrong, depending on which Project X that you're asking about.)

Q: Would you have traded your college education for unbridled high school popularity?

A: [Thinking] On one hand, giving up my college education, just to be retroactively popular in high school, seems foolish. Then again, I own a degree from a Big 12 school... so my answer is "maybe."

Q: Will I enjoy Project X?

A: Good God, no.

Q: What's the best thing about Project X?

A: After it was over, a mutual disdain for this film led to what seemed like a reasonable conversation with Glenn Kenny.

Q: Who is the target audience for Project X?

A: Circa-2004 Tucker Max. Just him, eight years ago. Nobody else. (With the possible exception of Todd Phillips, who produced this film.)

Q: Is Project X the worst movie of 2012 to this point?

A: To be honest, I don't even want to credit Project X with being a "movie." It's a collection of nonsense.

Q: Is Project X worth seeing for the nudity?

A: OK, there is nudity in Project X. So, I suppose if you have no access to Internet porn, sure. Knock yourself out.

Mike Ryan is the senior writer for Moviefone. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com, GQ.com, New York Magazine and Movieline. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter
CATEGORIES Movies