Park City! The city of hope, as they say. (I have no idea if they say that.) I have arrived in Park City, UT, and things are going as well as expected for what is my first trip to the Sundance Film Festival. Which is to say, it's going very poorly. Another word that I could use here is "lousy." Ahead, here are some tips on how to have a terrible time during your first day at Sundance.
DON'T pack snow boots, because who would ever need snow boots in the mountains of Utah?
DO board a flight to Salt Lake City that is over capacity.
DO tell yourself, "Eh, I'm sure it will be fine," when the pilot warns of a 180-m.p.h. headwind that will last the duration of the five-hour flight.
DON'T order an alcoholic beverage on the flight to knock yourself out after the third straight hour of heavy turbulence. It's best to ride that out sober and scared.
DO sit next to and behind six people who are drinking heavily and are making jokes about "going down."
DO pay a $10 cover charge to meet a friend who texted you that she was at bar on Main Street.
DON'T check the time of that text until after you've paid that cover charge, then notice that the text had been sent five hours earlier.
DON'T turn the heat on in your hotel room. It's healthy to wake up and see your breath the first thing in the morning.
DO go to the wrong Marriott location to pick up your press credentials.
DO assume that your editor is not talking about you when he says, "I'm so annoyed right now," even though you were the one in charge of directions
DO respond, "You know it," when a festival worker asks, "Hammer to Nail?" as she is handing you your press pass because you thought it was "Utah slang."
DO make sure your press pass has you listed for an outlet that you've never worked for, the aforementioned Hammer to Nail.
DO write a piece about everything that's gone wrong instead of watching a movie.
Mike Ryan is the senior writer for Moviefone. He has written for "Wired" Magazine, VanityFair.com, GQ.com, "New York" Magazine and Movieline. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter