Last night, I saw a movie called 'The Devil Inside.' I am not a fan of horror movies -- especially "found footage" movies like 'Paranormal Activity' -- because, frankly, they scare me. I was supposed to watch Liam Neeson fight wolves in 'The Grey,' but the person who determines my daily employment status suggested that I see 'The Devil Inside' instead. This would turn out to be one of the most miserable nights of my life. Along the way, I kept a running diary of my evening.
6:54 p.m. Upon my arrival at the Union Square Regal 14 in New York City, a man dressed like a priest greets me at the door to the theater. His crucifix seems less "clergy" and more "Madonna from 'Desperately Seeking Susan.'"
6:55 p.m. Not only is this not a critics' screening -- not only is there an actual audience in attendance -- but there's a DJ playing Michael Jackson's 'Thriller.'
7:09 p.m. The DJ is now playing 'Monster Mash.' I'm in my 30s and have never heard this song outside the three-day window surrounding Halloween.
7:10 p.m. The DJ interrupts 'Monster Mash' to ask if anyone in the crowd is from New Jersey. Two people start cheering.
7:15 p.m. The DJ -- who announces that his name is DJ Juanyto -- goes through every single borough of New York City in an effort to incite a more jovial response. DJ Juanyto succeeds when he gets to Brooklyn.
7:20 p.m. DJ Juanyto interrupts 'Up All Night' by Drake (featuring Nicki Minaj) to shout, "Let's hear it for Eli Manning!"
7:21 p.m. I'm halfway through my resignation letter.
7:30 p.m. Five men dressed as priests address the audience. Their leader says, "You chose to come here on your own free will." At least for me, this is not true.
7:30 p.m. He continues: "I do not endorse you seeing this movie." Something tells me I'll be saying the same thing in two hours.
7:34 p.m. DJ Juanyto states, "I'm going to shut up now, the movie is about to start." DJ Juanyto just received his biggest round of applause for the evening.
7:35 p.m. This movie is possibly being lit with a flamethrower. I can't even look at the screen because it's so bright.
7:36 p.m. Text informs us that the Vatican did not endorse this movie. This is an odd statement because I'm fairly sure the Vatican did not officially endorse 'Larry Crowne' either.
7:40 p.m. The gist of the story seems to be that in 1989 a possessed woman killed her entire family, except her daughter. In 2009, a film is being produced about the daughter and her attempts to reconcile with her possessed mother.
7:41 p.m. The daughter, Isabella -- whom I assume is the main character -- was just asked, "Why are you doing this film?" I don't think her pause of reflection is 100-percent acting.
7:45 p.m. The audience seems to be laughing at things that I don't think were supposed to be funny.
7:47 p.m. Isabella, asking her new exorcism-expert priest friend, Ben, about being possessed, inquires, "How do you know when it's real?" He responds, "You know." I promise you that this exact line of dialogue will be in the next Kate Hudson movie.
7:50 p.m. Isabella visits her institutionalized mother who killed three people, and she's put in a room with her, alone. I'll admit, it's a creepy scene, but it seems like an unlikely situation.
7:54 p.m. Why would a demon possess an institutionalized person? How is that fun? If I were a demon and I possessed someone, once they're institutionalized, I'm out. The fun and games are over. Seriously, why not move on and possess a world leader? Or a baseball player? Or the guy who plays McLovin'?
8:04 p.m. Ben gives a solo interview and states that, when he was a child, he found out that his uncle gave exorcisms. This, to him, was like finding out that his uncle was Superman. OK?
8:05 p.m. Ben states that, by the age of 18, he had seen four exorcisms. Which is ironic because by the time I was 18, I had seen four Superman movies.
8:14 p.m. Ah, yes, here's that "limber" possessed girl from the trailer. (And the picture at the top of this post.)
8:15 p.m. During her exorcism, there is vaginal bleeding. This does get the intended reaction from the audience.
8:18 p.m. The possessed girl breaks free and scales a brick wall. I'm now questioning if she's actually possessed or was bitten by a radioactive spider.
8:19 p.m. Ben yells at her, "Bow down before God!" Since he's a Superman fan, I'm pretty sure he meant to say "Zod."
8:22 p.m. This movie isn't very scary. And I scare very easily.
8:24 p.m. Ben's exorcism partner, David, is a smoker. I mean, come on, if you can't even control your own demons...
8:30 p.m. During an attempted exorcism of Isabella's mother, Maria, the mother utters a homophobic slur. Not only is Maria possessed, but her bigoted demon just cost her any chance of ever producing the Academy Awards.
8:35 p.m. I wish I were watching 'Star Wars.'
8:36 p.m. Apparently a person can catch a demon from a possessed person. Like catching a cold, or syphilis.
8:45 p.m. Demon-possessed priest with a gun alert!
8:55 p.m. OK, now that's an abrupt ending.
8:55 p.m. The audience is booing. They are booing very loudly. I must note: the audience just saw this movie for free.
8:56 p.m. Though they obviously thought the movie was silly, the audience was, in a weird way, kinda into the film until that ending. It's really remarkable. I've never seen an audience turn on a film that dramatically.
8:57 p.m. I have no idea if there's an after credits scene or not, but I'm not going to stick around to find out. I fear there might be a riot.
8:58 p.m. As I exit, a man in a priest costume hands me a card that asks me to Tweet about my thoughts on the film. I think I will do just that.
8:58 p.m. The man in the priest costume tries to hand the woman behind me that same card. The woman asks the man in the priest costume, "Hey, priest, what the fuck is up with that ending?"
9:00 p.m. I can only presume that, somewhere, DJ Juanyto is smiling.
Mike Ryan is the senior writer for Moviefone. He has written for Wired Magazine, VanityFair.com, GQ.com, New York Magazine and Movieline. He likes Star Wars a lot. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter
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