This weekend, zero wide releases hit theaters. Zero! As a person who is given compensation in exchange for writing about movies, this creates a difficult dilemma. It's only Wednesday (or, "hump day," as nobody I personally know refers to it as) and the pickings for potential topics to write about are already slim. When faced with a situation like this, here are some helpful dos and don'ts of how you would not want to write about movies when there are no movies coming out this weekend. (All of these topics just may be from personal experience.)
DO pretend to care about the New York Film Critic Circle awards.
DO still get surprised when every other movie site on the Internet pretends to care about the New York Film Critic Circle Awards.
DO get jealous that you didn't think of S.T. VanAirsdale's idea to create a Facebook page for Uggie, the dog from 'The Artist.'
DO convince yourself that posting a picture taken in 1979 of Harrison Ford and Billy Dee Williams hugging is "news."
DON'T write a story about The Lizard PEZ dispenser, but DO spend 30 minutes looking for more hot PEZ dispenser "scoops."
DO risk the repercussions of breaking a studio embargo to write an early review on a thinly disguised movie called "Ferlock Sholmes: Stain of Ladows.'
DO post back-to-back stories about 'The Muppets,' even though the world is a bit Muppet-ed out.
DO consider a phone interview offered with "Kermit and Walter" from The Muppets, just because of how awkward it would be to just talk on the phone with a couple of guys "doing a voice."
DON'T see the only limited release movie coming out this week that anyone is talking about, 'Shame.'
DO strongly consider writing that 'Return of the Jedi' takedown you've been contemplating, 28 years after the movie was released.
DO consider writing a fake "Best Movie Boxing" – displaying pictures of movie characters packing boxes -- in response to an idea to write "Best Boxing Movies" in honor of the 35th anniversary of 'Rocky.' (Note: This one could still very much happen.)
DO make yourself believe that people would be interested in a 3000 word dissertation on why a live-action 'Battle of the Planets' movie would succeed for no other reason than because the theme music is just so awesome.
DO come thisclose to writing a 24th anniversary post for 'Three Men and a Baby.'
DO having the passing thought, Hm, maybe I should just liveblog the 'Twilight' movies again.
DON'T stop yourself before you're five sentences into a post titled "The Time I Met Boss Hogg from 'The Dukes of Hazzard.'"
DO check to see if The Rock has broken any news lately.
DO spend 15 minutes wondering what this eventual Clint Eastwood/The Rock buddy comedy will be like.
DO assume this movie will be titled 'Rocked and Loaded,' which stars Eastwood as Danny Rock and The Rock as Frank Load: two private investigators framed for the very crime that they are investigating. There will be at least three meta jokes about Eastwood's last name being "Rock."
DO desperately wish that 'Rocked and Loaded' were coming out this weekend.
DO come close – but not ... quite ... as ... close -- to writing a 14th anniversary post for 'Flubber.'
DO seriously consider writing posts about two colleagues who both might, separately, eat a shoe, depending on the outcome of Top Gun 2 and Steven Soderbergh's career.
DON'T think twice about writing this very post.
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