For better or worse (but probably better?), I had never seen a 'Twilight' movie before just two hours ago when I watched the first film in the series. With that over, it's time to move on to 'New Moon,' as I continue my quest to liveblog all three 'Twilight' films before tonight's New York preview screening of 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1.' If you have any words of explanation or encouragement, leave them in the comments and I'll do my best respond to you in the post -- that is if I'm not too caught up in Taylor Lautner's newfound pectoral muscles. So! Let's continue with ... 'New Moon.'
2:39 p.m. Good Lord, that finally ended. OK, let's finish this up over on this post. Who's with me?!
2:34 p.m. (Only four and a half hours in before my first 'Star Wars' reference. A new record.)
2:34 p.m. Quick poll. More awkward marriage proposal: Edward to Bella or Anakin Skywalker to Padme?
2:31 p.m. I wish Edward could turn into a human size bat. I would enjoy watching bat-Edward and dog-Jacob fight.
2:30 p.m. When Edward and Jacob stand next to each other, it's not so much that Edward looks pale, it's more that Jacob (oh, I'm sorry, "Jake") looks like he has splashed gold paint all over his chest.
2:28 p.m. I like how Bella explains to Edward that she'll wait until after graduation to become a vampire. That's sensible.
2:25 p.m. Why is she back in her bed? How did that happen so quickly? And she's grounded. That will teach her.
2:22 p.m. I love this scene of Alice envisioning Bella and Edward in the woods together. How did they film that? "OK, you two. Quiet on set. Now ... frolic."
2:20 p.m. I starting to think that this movie is very, very long.
2:18 p.m. "Michael, you were so good in 'The Damned United.' Would you like to be in 'Tron: Legacy'?" "Yes, I would."
2:17 p.m. How does Michael Sheen choose his movies? "Michael, you were so good in 'The Queen.' Would you like to be in 'New Moon'?" "Yes. Yes I would."
2:15 p.m. I have two more of these movies to watch today. Shit.
2:13 p.m. At least Edward puts on a robe from time to time. For this reason alone: Team Edward.
2:10 p.m. I have ZERO idea what's going on right now.
2:06 p.m. OK, apparently that's Italy. It's still a gorgeous view.
2:05 p.m. Honest question: Does this movie end? Ever?
2:04 p.m. I have to admit, Edward has a gorgeous view. I have no idea why he'd be so upset.
2:03 p.m. Hey, Edward is in
Rio de Janeiro. Italy.
2:00 p.m. Alice Cullen's visions are worthless. "I saw a vision of you and you jumped off of a cliff!" Great. You know what else could have told me that? A timely email.
1:56 p.m. And some quaaludes.
1:55 p.m. I'm not joking when I ask this: Will someone bring me some food?
1:52 p.m. What I love about Bella's premonition about being saved by Jacob in the ocean is that she even knew that he'd get a hair cut.
1:50 p.m. For everything that I've had to sit through so far, having this appear on my television screen may have made it all worth it.
1:46 p.m. OK, so, this battle in the woods: Am I supposed to be anxious or forlorn? What I'm seeing makes me anxious, but the song playing in the background makes me want to quit my job and sell hookahs. I'm so confused.
1:40 p.m. "So, you're a werewolf." "Yeah, last time I checked." Werewolf sarcasm!
1:38 p.m. A lot of werewolves do porn, I've noticed.
1:37 p.m. From now on, for the rest of my life, I'm just assuming that every shirtless male is a werewolf.
1:35 p.m. Michael Vick went to jail for what I'm watching right now. I feel dirty, somehow.
1:34 p.m. If I've learned anything from 'Twilght' and 'True Blood,' it's that werewolves are much more sane people than vampires.
1:32 p.m. If I ever meet Taylor Lautner, I'm going to buy him a shirt.
1:30 p.m. Put it this way: If I were forced to pick one of those wolves as a pet, I would choose Jacob.
1:28 p.m. I have to admit: Jacob is by far the cutest of the angry wolves.
1:27 p.m. I'm starting to think that this movie might not be very good.
1:26 p.m. Vampires can appear as holograms?
From Angelica Julia in the comments: "One of the reasons that quote is funny is because he kind of sounds like a chipmunk when he says it."
@Pr J: Come to think of it, where is Edward? Maybe he isn't coming back!
1:22 p.m. "Jacob, you got a haircut? And a tattoo? And a new dickish personality?"
1:20 p.m. Bella's dad is going fishing. Here is a picture of Bella's dad.
1:18 p.m. "Want me to put you in a hospital?" Yes! That was great for so many reasons.
1:15 p.m. I have to say, this Mike fellow is by far the most sane person in these movies.
1:13 p.m. "Oh, you're bleeding. Let me remove my shirt. My pecs can absorb the blood."
1:12 p.m. OK, I have to admit, I just laughed out loud at the sight of Taylor Lautner slowly riding his motorcycle up to the injured Bella, then dramatically throwing it on the ground.
1:10 p.m. A lesson for your kids: Dirt bike riding, the only thing more dangerous than dating a vampire.
1:06 p.m. Mustachioed Jimmy Fallon just caught Bella screaming in bed again. Nothing a quick Jacksonville reference won't fix!
1:05 p.m. Bella calls Jacob "Jake." Why isn't it "Team Jake." That's a solid name. Hell, I'd be on "Team Jake."
@bobbi: Wait, that didn't start a long tome ago?
1:01 p.m. I swear, long-haired Taylor Lautner looks just like the lead singer of Crash Test Dummies in this movie.
12:55 p.m. "Oh, yeah, Vulture, you won't link to my piece? How does Jacksonville sound?"
12:54 p.m. I'm going to start threatening people with the notion of "going to Jacksonville." It seems to work well in this movie.
12:53 p.m. I loved Mustachioed Jimmy Fallon's reaction to Bella screaming, "Well, I suppose I should get off this couch ... and sigh."
12:50 p.m. Who is this naked man that delivered Bella from the woods? And why does no one even ask, "Hey, wait, why are you nude?"
12:48 p.m. Well, he's gone. The series is over. Hey, that wasn't too bad.
12:47 p.m. "Is this about my soul? Take it." Vampires can do that? I'm so confused.
12:46 p.m. "This is the last time you'll ever see me." Something tells me that this isn't 100 percent true.
@Dymndiz Yes. Why would I make that up? If I were making up a school, I would say, 'The Prestigious School of 24K Gold," or something.
12:42 p.m. Again! Not a joke! Anna Kendrick is really in these movies. I mean, there she is. Right in front of me. What are you doing here? In the future, you will be in a movie with George Clooney.
12:40 p.m. Here's what's awesome: In 90 minutes I will be halfway through the amount of 'Twilight' movies that I'm going to be watching today.
12:38 p.m. "You're not going to want me when I look like a grandma." Bella, always seeing the big picture and thinking 60 years ahead.
@Sherri A: I'm assuming that it is not me. I haven't been there in seven years. Then again, after watching these movies, if this is what the rest of the country is like, I'm never leaving New York City again.
12:35 p.m. What is the limit on "injuries that require medical attention" before a person decides that a relationship just isn't worth it any longer?
12:32 p.m. Two days ago, Erin McCarthy from Popular Mechanics sent me this photo. Yes, I get it now.
12:29 p.m. Edward just told a story in which a guy got his head ripped off. At what point does Bella say, "OK, dude, one creepy story too many?"
12:25 p.m. We were this pale, though.
12:25 p.m. I wish that this was the high school that I attended. Blue Springs, Missouri, residents did not look quite this good.
12:23 p.m. Jacob laughs when Bella tells him that anabolic steroids are bad for him. It's funny because it's true.
12:22 p.m. Here's what's great: Edward even gets a more intense guitar riff for his entrance in the sequel. I guarantee Pattinson had this written into his contract.
12:20 p.m. Mustachioed Jimmy Fallon, as Bella's dad, is back. I'm pleased.
12:19 p.m. Bella is reading 'Romeo and Juliet'! So many parallels!
12:18 p.m. "Hey, Kristen, remember that really monotone voiceover you did for the first movie? Yeah, do that again. For continuity's sake."
12:15 p.m. Well, if nothing else, Summit Entertainment has a MUCH better logo that ran before 'New Moon' started.
12:10 p.m. OK, and we're back! I just watched Twilight over here. Now it's time for New Moon, which nobody seems to like. Great.
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[Photo: Summit Entertainment]