For better or worse (definitely better), I had never seen a 'Twilight' movie before I watched 'Twilight' and 'New Moon' earlier today. With that over, it's time to conclude my quest to watch all three 'Twilight' films before the Wednesday night New York preview screening of 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1' with 'Eclipse.' I'm liveblogging the entire experience, and I'll check the comments if you have any words of explanation or encouragement. I'll do my best respond to you in the post -- that is, if I haven't yet thrown myself off of my fire escape. OK, let's finish this with ... 'Eclipse.'
4:54 p.m. Also, one last time:
4:52 p.m. I do want to thank everyone who put up with this nonsense today and, especially, everyone who participated in the comments and on Twitter. It helped! More than you can ever know! I'll have a post tomorrow about 'Breaking Dawn.' (Wow, I really do have to go see that now. This isn't a dream.)
Also a special thanks to Sandra Lang, who lent me her DVDs. You can have them all back immediately.
4:50 p.m. I can't believe I have to go watch another one of these. I just want to drink booze.
4:48 p.m. Credits!
4:46 p.m. Who are these people who just sit alone together in a field of flowers? Anytime I've been in a setting like this, I'm surrounded by bees within two minutes.
4:42 p.m. Even "at death's door Jacob" is ripped.
4:40 p.m. This movie is so long. Why is this so long?
4:36 p.m. Look, call me old fashioned, but I ask a lady first if it's OK to rip her shirt in order to tend to her self-inflicted wound that was used as a diversion to save my life.
4:31 p.m. I'm starting to think that I could have just seen 'Breaking Dawn' tonight without seeing these three movies and I would have had the same exact experience.
4:30 p.m. Do human limbs really just fall off like that? Like cabbage? Is that a vampire thing?
4:26 p.m. Do you think it was insulting to Jacob when Bella said, "Jacob! Stay!", considering that he wasn't even in dog form when she said that?
4:25 p.m. Jacob: "I'm done. I'm so done." I have something in common with Jacob Black.
4:23 p.m. No matter how many insults Jacob throws at Edward in this tent, it's impossible to take a threat from a shirtless man seriously unless he's on meth.
4:21 p.m. "Don't worry, Bella, my pecs will keep your neck warm." This is actually what's happening right now.
4:20 p.m. I started this at 10 a.m. It's almost dark out. And I have to leave my apartment and watch another one after this. (So, kids, you say you want to live the glamorous life of a writer?)
4:18 p.m. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. I might start right now.
@Shadow Writer: I am now more machine than man, twisted and evil.
4:13 p.m. I have no doubt that this is the same person.
4:11 p.m. I have now watched this guy propose three separate times.
4:10 p.m. My god, Edward is such an ass. Sure, I've put you in the hospital a few times, but I will not have sex with you before we are married. Tool.
4:05 p.m. Why is everyone so infatuated with Bella? I mean, at least Sookie has fairy blood. The only one that makes any sense is her dad, mustachioed Jimmy Fallon.
4:01 p.m. Yep: Six straight hours of Twilight!
3:59 p.m. Why is Jacob wearing jorts? Are jorts immune from tearing when he becomes a dog?
3:58 p.m. I can't tell if I like the first one the best because it's the best movie, or if it's because I had not yet lost my mind.
3:57 p.m. I'm starting to think that this movie isn't very good.
3:55 p.m. I wish Jasper would stop talking and instead use his powers to roll the credits.
3:54 p.m. I wish my name were "Jasper."
3:51 p.m. Team Joshua, by the way.
3:51 p.m. Watching two vampires fight, even in training, just seems senseless. It's like watching Joshua play Global Thermonuclear War in 'Wargames.'
3:48 p.m. When Jackson Rathbone was offered a role in 'The Last Airbender,' do you think at the time he saw that as a vertical career move?
3:45 p.m. I loved Jacob's graduation present. Next time I give someone a present, it will be a necklace with a silhouette of myself attached.
3:40 p.m. I have noticed over the course of these movies that if there are more than three non-supernatural males hanging out together, they all are out to rape. Even in the 1930s.
3:34 p.m. My favorite thing about not having a child yet at this point in my life: That any child that I may or may not have has avoided this nonsense.
3:32 p.m. Honest question: Who likes these movies? Not one person in the comments or on Twitter has told me, "You know, I think you'll like them if you give them a chance."
3:30 p.m. I love that MISSING flyer of Riley Biers. When Bella asks, "Do you think they'll give up?" I really thought she was going to ask, "Do you think they will use a better picture at some point? You know, one that doesn't look like it was made with a circa 1987 Xerox machine? Because a better picture could help them find him."
3:27 p.m. I would love to know who the Cullen's use as an interior designer.
3:24 p.m. Speaking of Victoria, how does that conversation go with Rachelle Lefevre:
"Hey, I'm ready to play Victoria again. I'm happy that she has a bigger part this time."
"Um, yeah, do you know Bryce Dallas Howard?"
"From 'Spider-Man 3'?"
"Yes, well, we're going to give her your role for no reason whatsoever."
3:19 p.m. I just experienced my first frightened moment watching these movies. I really thought Victoria was going to rip off Jimmy Fallon's mustache.
3:15 p.m. I think I'm miserable.
3:14 p.m. Jacob's last name is Black. Jacob is wearing a black tee-shirt. He has an all-black motorcycle. You know what that means? He's going to be really hot when the sun comes out.
3:09 p.m. It's the first day of school and Edward and Jacob have to share a guitar riff.
3:08 p.m. I mean, one of them just got thrown into a tree just like one of the Imperial Scouts!
3:07 p.m. OK, this high-speed chase through the woods? This is a ripoff of the Speeder Bike chase in 'Return of the Jedi,' right?
3:05 p.m. Is 'Eclipse' the one where Katniss Everdeen is introduced?
3:02 p.m. Yep, Anna Kendrick is really in these movies. There's she is again. I mean, I'm looking right at her, yet I don't believe it. I'll never believe it, no matter how much evidence is presented.
3:00 p.m. I have now officially been doing nothing but watching Twilight for five straight hours.
2:57 p.m. Hey, Bella's dad is back. And he still has a mustache. Here is picture of Bella's dad.
2:55 p.m. I know I already used my 'Star Wars' reference allotment for the day, but this scene looks just like that goofy scene on Naboo in 'Attack of the Clones.'
2:53 p.m. See that picture right above these words? I'm watching that scene right now.
2:52 p.m. "Hey, Kristen, remember that really monotone voiceover you did for the first movie? And then the second movie? Yeah, do that again. For continuity's sake."
2:51 p.m. Honestly, there has to be someone who teaches screaming, right?
2:50 p.m. You know what this movie could use? More people screaming poorly.
2:47 p.m. I'll be honest here: I really don't want to watch this movie.
2:40 p.m. OK! Two down. New Moon finished up over here. Is Eclipse better? Please?
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[Photo: Summit Entertainment]