Zack Snyder, who once made a pretty good movie called '300' (and once made a very terrible movie called 'Sucker Punch') has released the first photo of Henry Cavill as the title character in his new Superman movie, 'Man of Steel.' Now, it's impossible to decipher the actual plot of a film based on one photo and, it's probably a little bit reckless to attempt such a thing...
But let's have some fun! Look, I'm not the one who released such a bizarre photo as the first image from such an anticipated and iconic film. And it is bizarre. What is Superman doing? Did he just pull off a bank heist? If so, that doesn't seem very challenging for a man with his powers. Based on this image, perhaps the title of the film should be spelled 'Man of Steal.'
From what I gather, in 'Man of Steal,' Zack Snyder's vision of Superman appears to be as a bank robber. And a very bad one, apparently, because he has emerged from the vault without any money. And now he's looking directly at me, because I have money. Not a lot, mind you -- I have only $27 currently in my wallet -- but it's certainly more than he has right now and, from what I'm seeing, he reeks of desperation.
Now, why would Superman be a bank robber? In comic book lore, and in past films, Superman's alter ego, Clark Kent, has been a newspaper reporter. But in this tough economy, it's probably a safe guess that Clark is not making enough to make ends meet in an expensive city like Metropolis. One night, while eating yet another bowl of Kix for dinner, Clark thinks to himself: What the hell am I doing? I have super powers, I can take all of the money I need. Look, I'm just a simple alien from a destroyed planet, it's certainly not my fault that I got tricked into this worthless journalism degree.
So begins the Man of Steal's reign of terror.
From the looks of this photo, we are well into Superman's heist spree. How can we be so sure? I don't know how many newspaper reporters that you know, but I know quite a few and I personally don't know any that have hair like that. So it's obvious that after a couple of successful "jobs," Clark uses his new wealth to start a hedge fund firm. (Only someone who runs a hedge fund firm would have a haircut like that. This is not up for debate.)
See, at heart, Superman doesn't want to make a living by robbing banks, he just wants enough to get his firm off of the ground... oh, and to support his new love for cocaine. (Only someone who has a cocaine habit would have a haircut like that. This is not up for debate.) Unfortunately, the economic downturn has been tough on Clark's hedge fund, resulting in what we finally see in this photo: a coked out Superman looking for "one last big score." Of course, it's always "one last big score." And see all that dust on the lower right hand corner? That's not concrete residue -- you guessed it, that's the remnants from last night's party at Clark's coke den.
We were promised a darker take on the Superman story. And from what we see so obviously in this photo -- a desperate, bank robbing, hedge fund owning, coked out Superman -- Zack Snyder has fully delivered on that promise. Look for Zack Snyder's 'Man of Steal,' a story of an addict -- rivaling Nic Cage's performance in 'Leaving Las Vegas' -- that will surely be the most depressing movie of 2013.