CATEGORIES Features, Hot Topic


So how about that apocalypse yesterday? That was a close one. Well, now that that's over and we've got a good six months till 2012 rolls around and the Earth turns into one big cherry bomb, what better way to prep for the next inevitable Judgment Day than to take a look at a handful of dudes who somehow, some way defied the odds and emerged survivors.

Trust us, the next time religious fanatics start reading way too into the Bible, cross your fingers and hope to hell that you'll end up in the same ranks as these fellas:

John Cusack in '2012'


The Mayans were clearly not prepared for this guy. Earthquake? Outdrives it in a limo. Volcanic eruption? Outruns it on foot in a business suit. As if that weren't impossible enough, he just so happens to cross paths with the two or three people who are skilled/filthy rich enough to fly him and his family to safety, and then he somehow manages to sneak onto Noah's Mega Ark while bajillions of other people have to make do with floaties against a wave too gnarly for even Bodhi to ride out. Folks, if we had that kind of luck, we'd be buying every lotto ticket in sight. So the next time everyone starts speaking in tongues and getting on about the End of Days, let those other suckers stock up on generators and H20 while you go ahead and get John Cusack on speed dial.

Steve Buscemi in 'Armageddon'


Lucky in the sense that he upgraded from oil rigger to astronaut, rocketed onto Satan's asteroid and lived to tell about it, and he even got to ride a nuke like Slim Pickens without any negative repercussions. Unlucky in the sense that he still owes thousands to his bookies, but, hey, at least he never has to pay taxes again. And he's also a genius.

Simon Pegg in 'Shaun of the Dead'


For someone so horribly unprepared for the undead rapture outside of a flawless zombie impression, it's pretty amazing that Shaun managed to survive without so much as a bite (not counting the dart to his head). Wasn't much of a leader considering the fate of most everyone else in his party, but, hey, he survived, and that's more than that Harry Potter–lookin' jerk can say.

Robert Duvall in 'The Road'


At least the boy and his dad had a gun and some canned peaches to make due with, but we don't know how this guy dodged a spot on the main course at the Cannibal Cafe for as long as he did. He's old, his shoes are duct tape, and we don't think it's a stretch to assume that he smelled like a foot wrapped in cheese. There's not a thing about him that screams "survivor", but thanks to a veritable overdose of luck and absolutely nothing else, Gramps here ended up doing alright compared to, oh, the other 99% of the human race. Totally would have clothespinned our noses and followed him across the wasteland with those kind of stats in mind.

Bill Pullman in 'Independence Day'


Most normal Presidents who value their lives and such probably would have called it a day and holed up in a bunker after Air Force One barely avoided the same fate as The White House. But this is no ordinary president, this is a President who leads by an example of red, white and blue-blooded ass-kickery. Man, even if he does have the best security and government resources on the block, Mr. President took some seriously ballsy risks when he jumped inside that cockpit and nearly became the first kamikaze pilot elected to office. But as we all know, things worked out pretty swell for the Commander in Chief, and, boy, does he know a thing or two about giving epic speeches. Talk about your all-time great re-election campaigns.

So next time those zombies/nukes/floods/aliens/robo-armies come a-knockin', keep your eyes peeled for guys like these and pray to the gods of disaster movies that you're lucky enough to be in the exact right place at the exact right time when it all goes down.

And since you know you've thought about it, what's your plan of action for beating the apocalypse?