Heretic, thy name is Reese Witherspoon!

It seemed like everything was going so well -- legions of Robert Pattinson fans were anxiously awaiting the release of next week's romantic drama 'Water for Elephants' opposite Oscar-winner Reese Witherspoon. With bated breath, scores of R-Pattz admirers manically braced themselves, waiting to see their leading man take another step toward film immortality, hypnotizing the golden-haired ingenue with scene after scene of smoldering, white-hot passion.

But then Witherspoon had to go and ruin it all by sullying -- rather, outright slandering Robert's ability to woo any woman lucky enough to gaze into his deep, dreamy eyes. And what horrible things did she dare to speak from her mouth?

Witherspoon explained to In Touch magazine:

"Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I've ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life ... He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it -- and it was not appealing. I'm talking green, infectious, disgusting -- I'm not kidding! ... I'm going to say it's a little bit of a downer. I was a little disappointed. It wasn't sexy,"

Lies! Lies! All of it lies! It's scientific fact that the mere touch of Robert Pattinson's lips can heal the sick.

Using the principle of Occam's Razor (i.e., the simplest answer is usually the right one), we speculate that what in fact happened on the set of the movie was this: Pattinson recognized that Witherspoon wasn't woman enough to handle his romantic prowess, and in order to conserve the full supply of his amorous capabilities, he lowered his bodily energy to about 30 percent, entering hibernation mode, and began releasing a viscous material that could ward off predators.

That must be what happened! In any event, 'Water for Elephants' arrives in theaters on Friday, April 22.