Charlie Sheen is not on drugs, at least according to him. The only problem is, if you've watched his recent very-public meltdown, one thing is perfectly clear: Charlie Sheen is 100 percent, definitely, absolutely, positively, the-Pope-is-Catholic on drugs.
Adonis DNA, tiger blood, Vatican warlock assassins, fire-breathing fists, trolls -- these all contain vibrant imagery and a dash of fantasy. In other words: stuff that people on drugs find fascinating. It wasn't too long before this latest crack-up that Sheen got a briefcase full of cocaine delivered to his house. A briefcase. So, his recent appearance, public comments and general behavior all point to a guy who quite obviously loves doing lots and lots of drugs.
Now, however, we are told that Sheen is drug-free and has taken several tests to support the claim. If true, that can mean only one thing: Charlie Sheen is on new drugs that are so advanced they are undetectable by contemporary, Earth-based drug tests. But where would one find such drugs?
We know where: science-fiction films.
Folks in sci-fi flicks have been getting high on some serious intergalactic sh*t for a long time, and the former 'Two and a Half Men' star's $1.2-million-an-episode salary could probably afford to bring some of those drugs out of the fiction realm and into Sheen's bloodstream.
It might make your stoner buddy Earl jealous to know that while he longingly yearns to "smoke some of that stuff Jabba the Hutt smokes, man, it must be killer," well, Charlie Sheen does smoke Jabba's stuff. And via the gateway-drug theory, Sheen likely followed that first toke with Jabba by venturing deeper into the world of fictional recreational narcotics. Now it's up to us to determine exactly which drugs Charlie Sheen is currently doing briefcases of.
Let's look at some candidates, describe their effects, and break down the odds of whether Sheen's on them.
Drug: Spice, aka Melange, from 'Dune'
Effects: Spice can lengthen the user's life, increase his physical vitality and augment his sensory awareness. Often the whites of a user's eyes turn blue.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: Not great. If you've seen Sheen lately, you know his eyes haven't changed color and he seems to be aging rather rapidly before our eyes. Although, the fact that Melange comes from sandworm larvae probably appeals to him greatly, so he might dabble.
Drug: Nuke, from 'Robocop 2'
Effects: "The most addictive narcotic in history" comes in at least four varieties with, presumably, differing effects: Red Ramrod, White Noise, Blue Velvet and Black Thunder.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: Wait, did Sheen name these drugs himself? Anyway, yeah, he's probably on all four kinds, judging by the bug-eyed look and severe God complex people get after injecting Nuke.
Drug: Neuroin, from 'Minority Report'
Effects: Neuroin, or neural heroin, induces a supreme calm in its user.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: Very low. Does Charlie look supremely calm to you?
Drug: Marcan herb, from 'Return of the Jedi'
Effects: Marcan herb is a mild euphoric that Hutts often smoked using hookahs.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: Not high. "If it's mild, then it ain't WIIIIIIIIIILLLLD!" is something Sheen probably uttered twice last week. But as we said above, this was likely one of the first make-believe drugs he #WINNING-ed into reality and tried, so he probably reminisces fondly on it. Sort of like how Michael Bay feels about the first time he lit up a whole book of matches.
Drug: Milk-Plus, from 'A Clockwork Orange'
Effects: At the Korova Milk Bar, Milk-Plus comes laced with Synthemesc (short for synthetic mescaline), Drencrom (probably adrenochrome) or Vellocet, all of which will "sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence."
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: Very high, as Sheen really likes violence, particularly directed at women. Because he's a jerk and really high on drugs, you see.
Drug: Substance D, from 'A Scanner Darkly'
Effects: A powerful psychoactive also known as Slow Death, Substance D gradually splits the user's brain into two distinct, combative entities.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: High. A lot of armchair psychologists have diagnosed Sheen as bipolar, which seems both perfectly reasonable and indicative of Substance D usage. But the most important observer of Sheen, Sheen himself, has dismissed such conclusions as preposterous. "I'm bi-winning," he explained, "bi-winning" being a thing that totally-drug-free Charlie Sheen thinks is a thing he should claim to be.
Drug: Videodrome, from 'Videodrome'
Effects: While not a drug, strictly speaking, Videodrome is addictive and causes extremely lifelike hallucinations and, eventually, a brain tumor.
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: 50/50. Sheen's an admitted porn connoisseur, sure, but we haven't read anything about his being into snuff films (though anything's possible with this guy). Vivid, violent hallucinations seem up his alley, though, as he has claimed to be an ordinance-dropping F-18, waved a machete around on-camera, and one time he shot his fiancee.
Drug: Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, from 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'
Effects: According to the 'Guide,' "The effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."
Likelihood Sheen Is Currently Using: 100 percent.
Sheen famously stated "I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen." If we had to guess the components of this Charlie Sheen narcotic cocktail, we'd say it contains a shot of Nuke, a dollop of Milk-Plus and a splash of Substance D poured over a pint of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, garnished with a pinch of Spice. It is best enjoyed while watching Videodrome clips on SnuffTube.