Good news for the fashion inept: We're back with a dude's take on fashion! Here, with the help of a beer-drinking companion who insists on being referred to as Dude 2, we shall add a solid dose of common sense to these odd proceedings.

This means, mainly, that we will attempt to insult people who are poorly dressed, because that's what you're supposed to do when commenting on the red carpet, right? Right.

So, without further ado, here's what two dudes think of the so-called best-dressed people on earth.

Mila Kunis

Me: Ugh, what a terrible dress. Seriously. Who wants to see that? Besides everyone, I mean? Whoever thought of putting a cleavage cam on the red carpet needs to get a raise. Genius idea.

Dude 2: The reason Mila's dress was so intriguing: From a far shot, it looked like her nipples might be partially showing. Lavender nipples.
Jennifer Lawrence

Me: I like what Jennifer Lawrence is wearing. A lot. It looks like the 'Baywatch' swimsuits. I also like that the camera is pointing down her dress. Great job, cameraman.

Mandy Moore and Hailee Steinfeld

Me: Mandy Moore's dress reminds me of Frodo's Mithril undershirt in 'Lord of the Rings' but with bared shoulders.

Dude 2: Isn't that the same dress as Hailee Steinfeld's?

Cate Blanchett

Me: She looks like a she got a costume from the original 'Star Trek' TV show. She looks stunning -- as in, set phasers to "stun."

Dude 2: It's some kind of Roman tunic, I think.

Jennifer Hudson

Me: I like it when they lift and separate the boobs. That tends to make dresses look attractive. Also, great color. I believe it is called red-orange.

Scarlett Johansson

Me: Is she wearing a bib under the lacy part? Is that a thing?

Dude 2: Looks like she just woke up. Yeah ... looks like she just hooked up in the limo ride over.

Sharon Stone

Dude 2: Sharon Stone looks like she dressed up for 'The Black Swan.' Not Natalie Portman -- Winona Rider after she's gone crazy.

Me: She looks like Cruella de Vil.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Me: Did everyone tonight get dressed in the future?

Dude 2: She kind of looks like a Capri Sun. Her head is the straw.

Helen Mirren

Me: Helen Mirren might be the hottest 65-year-old woman in the history of humanity.



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TAGS fashion
CATEGORIES Features, Oscars, Awards