All the bargains in the world couldn't send me to a mall at 4 AM to buy anything. I take the 'Fight Club' approach when it comes to shopping for most things: "The things you own end up owning you." For many people, however, Black Friday -- the Friday after Thanksgiving, marking the start of the Christmas shopping bonanza -- is a chance for them to engage in consumer combat for doorbuster deals on just about everything. People have actually died after being trampled by Black Friday crowds -- and it's hard to imagine a more depressing place than Wal-Mart to take your last breath. Still, tragedies like this don't stop people from lining up for miles, grappling with others for bargain items, and generally debasing themselves all in the name of the holiday season. With that in mind, we have a few tips to share with you that should improve your Black Friday shopping experience ... you greedy bastards.



Know the Enemy


If you're at the mega early morning Black Friday sales (again, why?!) you'll be shopping alongside zombies just like in 'Dawn of the Dead' -- only these zombies are scarier than Romero's because they're fast and will crush you in a mad dash for this year's most wanted item. Nix the coffee and opt for a rifle, shovel, or machete to help you battle your way through the crowds of mindless consumer scum. If all else fails, a round of zombie-shopper balcony toss is the best way to see you through your spending adventure safely.



Fear and Respect the Escalator


It doesn't matter how cute you think your kid is, no one wants to deal with your whiny children on a mission at the mall. Chances are, the person next to you is hoping that they'll choke on the crack candy you're feeding them to shut them up, or like in 'Mallrats,' that their pant leg gets caught in the escalator they're messing around on and a bloodbath ensues. In fact, you're probably the reason that something ridiculous like National Elevator and Escalator Safety Week was invented because even standing is too difficult for you to manage properly. Your kid most likely learned to be so irresponsible because you're the moron who rides the elevator and pushes the buttons 20 times in a row -- in your pea brain that means it will go faster.





Amuse Yourself


There's nothing more distressing during Black Friday shopping than being surrounded by someone who is overly happy about the holidays. They're the kind of person whose entire family is wearing matching Santa hats and reindeer sweaters while singing holiday songs and spreading disgusting cheer everywhere they go. These are the kind of people who generally say obnoxious things like, "Turn that frown upside down!" There's nothing subtle about these folks and the best way to deal with them is to not give in to their aggressively dorky demands. Just be Eddie Murphy's Christmas 'Gumby' to their Will Ferrell's 'Elf' and torture them with your Grinch-like ways. You're bound to strangle some amusement out of your frustrating shopping trip this way. If all else fails, you might be able to find a 'Bad Santa' to commiserate with for a while.





Walk Like a Man


According to 'Mall Cop's' Paul Blart (Kevin James), "The Mind doesn't need a holster," but you'll be sure to make everyone in the shopping center wish they brought theirs if you ride a Segway anywhere on Black Friday. Segways are more obnoxious than ginormous baby strollers and slow walkers (but not as obnoxious, of course, as a gaggle of Segways), or people who strut against the flow of everyone else (aka human salmon), or people who stop to have loud cellphone convos in the middle of the sidewalk. Just remember, if you crash into anything, they're all going to laugh at you.





Embrace Your Inner B*tch


We've already established that the stores on Black Friday are a war zone and an onslaught is inevitable. The old adage about nice guys finishing last is true in this case, so it won't pay to be peachy to everyone. Don't be afraid to stand up to those who are overflowing with retail rage. As painful as it it might be, try to channel a bit of Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman' who handled a snooty salesperson with b*tchiness and class. And when it's over, try to remind yourself that Roy Orbison is truly awesome and better movies have used his songs ('Blue Velvet,' b*tches!).





Learn the Art of Distraction


Nothing can distract from how pointless and ridiculous a film like 2009's 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' is -- a movie about a fashionista journalist who puts herself into massive amounts of debt, that was made in the midst of a serious economic crisis. However, it does teach name brand whores one thing: the art of distraction. Whether it's Black Friday or a sample sale, if you're after a good deal and a hot ticket item you better come out with guns blazing if you want to walk away with the goods. We're not recommending you tackle anyone (they're probably more than worthy of a smackdown though) -- which is how Rebecca (Isla Fisher) gets her Gucci boots -- but staging a distraction before grabbing and running is totally acceptable.



Don't Torture Yourself


If you're like Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone) in 1995's 'Clueless,' the mall is your sanctuary where you go to kill a few brain cells while waxing confused on the day's events. But during the holiday season, the giant box of germs where people shop is overrun with hordes of big spenders and it can be tough to keep a clear head, let alone scope out the deals. While we all can't have a computerized wardrobe and an endless supply of credit cards, Cher's garment gadget reminds of us the most important lesson of all when it comes to Black Friday shopping: don't torture yourself. It's probably a lot easier to shop online. Trust us, you'll be doing a service to humanity if you stay home.