Welcome to the weekly trailer awards, where we look at the new movie previews and tell you what's the Most, the Best, the Worst, and so forth. Please remember that if you do not watch all the new movie trailers as soon as they are released, you make Hollywood sad.
Best Motivation to Overcome One's Weaknesses: because Hitler is better at it than you are. In 'The King's Speech' (in theaters Nov. 26), the king of England has a terrible stammer, but he sees that Hitler is a pretty good speaker -- say what you will about him, the guy could dazzle a crowd -- and thinks, "Well, shoot, if Hitler can talk without stuttering...." And the rest is history. That's how a speech therapist defeated the Nazis.
Most Offensive Trailer for People Who Crash Funerals and Have Imaginary Friends: 'Restless' (in theaters Jan. 28). The girl from 'Alice in Wonderland' meets Dennis Hopper's son, an emo guy who goes to strangers' funerals for fun and communicates regularly with a Japanese ghost. For those of us who really do crash funerals and have imaginary friends, the film's stereotyped portrayal of our kind is offensive, and we will be boycotting.
Worst Spelling and Theology: 'Biutiful' (in theaters Dec. 29). The trailer doesn't give us much to go on, but Javier Bardem appears to have terminal something-or-other, and he appears not to know how to spell the word "beautiful." More alarming, however, is the woman (his mother?) who tells him he needs to prepare for death because "you and I know the dead suffer if they leave debts behind." Oh, you and I know this, do we? This is in some book of scripture somewhere? "Yea, verily, he who dieth while a balance yet remaineth upon his Capital One card, the same shall be punished in hell; yea, tormented by collection agencies, which shall call him both day and night unto eternity."
Best Use of Identical-Looking Young Women: 'Scream 4' (in theaters April 15). In the 90-second trailer, I count six different brunettes and five different blondes, I think. Apart from Courteney Cox and what's-her-name who plays Sidney and Veronica Mars and the cheerleader from 'Heroes,' it's hard to identify any specific people. It's possible the film only has those four actresses, each playing multiple roles, plus David Arquette and a bewigged Rory Culkin.
Most Enthusiastic Attempt to Make Us Not Hate Larry The Cable Guy: 'Cars 2' (in theaters June 24). Pixar is taunting us now. They know they can basically do no wrong, and that even a mediocre-by-Pixar-standards film like 'Cars' is still better than a lot of other movies. So they take an actor universally hated by all sentient moviegoers worldwide, Larry The Cable Guy, and give him a major role. Then, in the teaser for 'Cars 2,' he's front and center. 'Cars 2' looks like it could be all ABOUT Larry The Cable Guy. And Pixar knows we'll see it anyway! I'm telling you, they're evil geniuses over there.