Hey! You! We heard you left the Internet for a few minutes, so we took the liberty of compiling the most important trailer-related info that you might have missed. In the future, please don't leave the Internet without a supervisor's approval. Thanks.
Best Attempt to Trick People Into Watching Shakespeare: 'The Tempest' (in theaters Dec. 10).
The trailer is loaded with things that young moviegoers like: sorcery, Russell Brand, attractive teenagers, Doc Ock from 'Spider-Man 2,' and Helen Mirren. There are even dogs made out of fire. That's right, flame-based canines! What is this? you think. David Lynch's Harry Potter?? But no -- it's 'The Tempest,' based on a play by notorious audience-borer William Shakespeare. Doh! They really had you going there for a minute. But you didn't read it in high school, and you're certainly not going to pay ten bucks to see it now, even if it does look awesome. NICE TRY, JULIE TAYMOR!
Best Attempt to Trick People Into Thinking Ryan Gosling Is Normal: 'All Good Things' (in theaters Dec. 3).
The Oscar-nominated actor and erstwhile Mouseketeer could have gone the standard route and specialized in Handsome Leading Man roles. Instead, Gosling has mostly played weirdos, drug addicts, and Jewish neo-Nazis. And good for him! 'All Good Things' appears to be a departure, with Gosling playing a wealthy real-estate heir who marries Kirsten Dunst, which is a relative ordinary thing to do. By the end of the trailer we realize it's not a departure, though, as Gosling's character is psychotic or something, with Gosling's trademark unfashionable hairstyle and eyeglasses used to ugly him up.
Best 150-Second Summary of an Independent Film Festival: 'Tiny Furniture' (in theaters Nov. 12).
Film festivals last for days, even weeks, and showcase hundreds of movies from around the globe. How could you possibly make ONE trailer that encapsulates ALL of them?! ... Oh. Yep. Well played, 'Tiny Furniture.' (Note: Despite our near-constant exposure over the last decade to twee indie comedies about directionless twentysomethings, this trailer made us laugh. Dammit.)
Best Use of a Trailer to Tell a Movie's Entire Story: 'Wrecked' (TBA 2011)
... in which Adrien Brody wakes up in a wrecked car, badly injured, with no memory of who he is or how the accident happened or who his dead passenger is. Intriguing! Oh, then the radio tells him he's a bank robber who probably killed a guy yesterday, the end. Eh, we'll probably still watch it anyway, just to see Adrien Brody grimace in pain for two hours, which is pretty much how he won that Oscar for 'The Pianist.'
Most Convincing Use of Paul Giamatti: 'Barney's Version' (TBA 2011)
... in which Giamatti plays a man who is irresistible to at least three different women, including Rachelle Lefevre, Rosamund Pike, and Minnie Driver. We wonder if Paul Giamatti ever gets tired of being typecast as a sexy ladies' man, the guy who always gets the girl, the guy who has so many women in love with him that he doesn't know which one to impregnate first. We suspect that just once Paul Giamatti would like to play an ordinary schlub -- the loser best friend, or the neurotic worrier, or the abrasive pedant. Ah, but it is not to be. Such are the burdens of being famed Hollywood sex symbol Paul Giamatti.