Welcome to another episode of I Would Have Saved/Killed. It goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film at hand, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.

I may have found 2004's Resident Evil: Apocalypse to be a wholly disappointing sequel to a somewhat disappointing movie, but there's only one character whose fate truly deserved to stray from the path laid forth by screenwriter Paul W.S. Anderson. Read on...


Name: L.J. (played in the film by Mike Epps)

Fate: The least likely zombie survivor survives, and lives to appear in 2007's Resident Evil: Extinction.

Verdict: There's no way in hell L.J. should've survived past the end of Apocalypse. He should have been zombie food from his very first frame.

Reason: There's a whole lotta crap in Alexander Witt's stinky sequel, but none worse than the inappropriate comic relief of modern day Mantan Moreland, L.J., as played onscreen by Mike Epps. This walking, talking stereotype flashes custom-made gold guns and calls everyone, humans and zombies alike, motherf****r. None of it works.

"That big motherf****r got a rocket launcher!" Epps squeals to the STARS team about the unstoppable zombie-monster Nemesis. When he's finally faced with the beast, he drops his guns with the line, "Respect." I can't say that Resident Evil: Apocalypse would've been that much better without him, but I sure would have liked to find out.