Lady Terminator, Directed by H. Tjut Djalil (as Jalil Jackson), 1988

"I'm not a lady. I'm an anthropologist!"

While researching an ancient artifact, a young anthropologist gets inhabited by the spirit of a legendary sea queen. Once possessed, the girl goes on a kill-crazy rampage that focuses primarily on amorous young men. Her vengeance then turns to a woman wearing a necklace that belonged to the family of the man that stole the sea queen's mystical sword...the one she kept in the form of a snake in her vagina. Yeah, trying to accurately describe this plot in words is like expecting someone to fully experience Mozart by smelling the DVD cover of Amadeus.

This was my freshmen viewing of Lady Terminator and I would already have to assign it a position atop my list of favorite cult films. I was completely erroneous in my assumption that the Italians had the market cornered on knockoff films; Indonesia displays a healthy adeptness for plagiarism as well. It takes a while, but as soon as the crazy, possessed girl begins stalking the girl with the necklace, entire sequences from The Terminator are stolen shot-for-shot. Remember that robo eye-removal scene? It's there. The line "come with me if you want to live?" It's there! It does however highlight the elements shockingly lacking from Cameron's film: mullets, vagina snakes, and copious amounts of penis trauma. If you don't have a good time watching this flick, you may be inhabited by an evil sea queen.

Sorceress, Directed by Jack Hill, 1982

"Find the two who are one!"

Traigon is a bit of a bastard. Though apparently happily married, he is an evil wizard who offers his first born child to the dark god Caligara in order to be given the power to rule the world. Too bad for Traigon that his wife has given birth to twin daughters and refuses to tell him which was born first. While he his temporarily blinded by rage, his dying wife musters the energy to stab Traigon and leave the children in the care of kindly old warrior Krona. He raises them as great fighters and convinces them they are boys so as to keep them hidden. But when Traigon finds a way back to the mortal world, their lives and the lives of everyone on the planet are jeopardized.

I had seen this film once before, but this time around it was a 35mm print during a birthday screening at the Alamo Drafthouse. Yes, that was a truckload of awesome in one sentence. I flurking love Sorceress on paper alone! It was produced by the god-like Roger Corman and directed by one of his protegees Jack Hill. It was written by Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Forbidden World) and features the score from Battle Beyond the Stars. No, I don't mean the music sounds similar, I mean Corman did the film-composing equivalent of copy/paste and used the same music thinking no one would notice. Too bad the James Horner score from BBTS is badass and fairly unmistakable. The film itself doesn't skimp on the ironically enjoyable fluff. The bad acting, the plethora of boobage, and special effects that really put the "lack" back in lackluster all culminate into a so-bad-it's-good extravaganza. This is exactly the type of film to be watched in a room full of beer-swilling movie geeks.

The Incredible Melting Man, Directed by William Sachs, 1977

"You've never seen anything...until you've seen the sun through the rings of Saturn."

Astronaut Alex Rebar is on a routine mission around Saturn when something goes wrong. His return to Earth is dramatic and he is rushed to a local hospital. When he comes to, he finds that his flesh is slowly dripping and oozing off his body making him a giant, human popsicle. No one is more concerned about Alex's condition than his friend Dr. Ted Nelson. Well, that is until Alex decides melting makes him angry and he begins killing people; their flesh actually slowing his physical degeneration.

I love the MGM Midnite Movie series and having this one streaming directly to my PS3 on Netflix should have been a perfect love affair. But The Incredible Melting is an incredible bore. The laborious task of watching this film in its entirety should only be assigned to people with high thresholds of boredom or anyone suffering from insomnia. There is no more thought put into the writing than its painfully simple concept. There are so many moments of mind-blowing ineptitude that you will want to pull your own face off. I think my favorite was the horny elderly couple with whom we spend fifteen wasted minutes before learning that one was the mother of the female lead in the film. Now, they were both killed but all the woman kept saying was, "my mom is dead!" So apparently she didn't give a flying flip about her dad. Come on lady, even stepdads get mourned.
CATEGORIES Reviews, Sci-Fi