CATEGORIES Horror

Welcome to another episode of I Would Have Saved/Killed. It goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film at hand, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.


Name:
That girl that Kelly Rowland plays

Fate: Dead

Cause of Death: Hacked up by the greatest slasher to ever misuse a piece of sporting equipment

Verdict: I would have killed her...sooner.

Reason: I know this seems like cheating, and frankly it is cheating, but I can no longer abide this miscarriage of cinematic justice. I like Freddy vs. Jason. It's a campy, mindless horror geek wet dream that appeals to the twisted 11-year-old in me. When I was a sprat, rumors of the cinematic collaboration of these two mass murders began rumbling. When this nightmare finally came to fruition, I sat wide-eyed and riddled with joy...that is until a former member of Destiny's Child appeared on the screen.

I'm not saying I hate Kelly Rowland because she is a R&B singer turned "actress," but rather I hate the fact that someone saw her screen test and, inexplicably undaunted, allowed her to be in a motion picture. She has the absolute worst lines in the film and a knack for delivering them with so much unabashed amateurism as to make them seem even worse. When you're a horror movie character and the most interesting thing about you is your highlights, it's time to make a bloody exit from the proceedings. But that doesn't happen until damn-near the credits.

I have a theory, no more an edict, regarding horror films that a character's degree of annoyance should be inversely proportional to their lifespan. Somebody like Kelly Rowland should have been machete fodder within five minutes but the producers of Freddy vs Jason were apparently banking on riding that Destiny's Child wave for as long as they possibly could. But hey, if she died any sooner, we may never have witnessed someone calling Freddy Krueger a homo. Yeah! KILL!