Welcome to a new feature here at Horror Squad you can expect to find every Wednesday and Friday. It's called I Would Have Saved/Killed and it goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film to the right, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.


Name:
Maggie McKeown

Fate: Lived

Method of Escape: Never doing anything heroic or contributing to the film but at all!

Verdict: I would have killed her all kinds of dead

Reason: I love Joe Dante's Piranha. It is one of my all-time favorite b-movies despite the startling confession that I only saw it for the first time earlier this year. It is probably the best Jaws ripoff ever made and offers boatloads of entertainment value. That being said, if there were one criticism I would ever dare voice to the master of shlocktastic mayhem it would be that he made a film featuring the least likable protagonists in horrordom.

Maggie, along with drunken woodsman Paul, are directly to blame for the release of the deadly fish into the water system that ultimately causes the deaths of countless innocents. Granted, accidents do happen and it isn't appropriate to wish death upon someone who unknowingly, or unavoidably, brought doom upon us all. But in the case of Maggie and Paul, these a-holes released the piranha while breaking into a science facility sans warrant, looking for a girl who was already dead, and then throwing switches they had no business touching being that they had no clue what they were for. My favorite part of all this is that they treat the rightful owner of the facility like a criminal and even kidnap and interrogate him about his "causing all this." Are you fraking kidding me?

The only reason Paul gets a pass is that he actually puts his life in jeopardy to stop the fish; an aquatic act of contrition. Maggie on the other had does nothing to actively correct this error in judgment and leaves it up to everyone else in the movie to clean up her mess. Hell, the little albino girl is more heroic than Maggie. I would have relegated Maggie to fish food mere minutes after she let loose the swimming hell-spawn. She has to be the most bitchy, unbearable force of destruction for which horror fans have ever been expected to root.