CATEGORIES Action, Horror, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Thrillers, New Releases, Cinematical Seven, Remakes and Sequels, Lists, Movie News, New Releases, Cinematical
Alexandre Aja's remake of Joe Dante's killer fish cult classic, Piranha, hits theaters this weekend. While the plastic looking fish in Dante's film have low-fi appeal, Aja's remake brings the gory fish-capades to audiences in blood-thirsty 3D. Expect lots of boobalicious bikinis, blood, and B-movie appeal in this horror flick update.
While Piranha are nasty looking creatures by themselves, the thing that makes them so terrifying is that they work in groups. There can be more than a thousand fish in a single school of Piranha. Suddenly an attack by Jaws doesn't seem so agonizing. This got me thinking -- what kind of film would be more terrifying than one featuring a school of carnivorous fish? Are there groups, packs, and gangs of other kinds that could upstage the fiendish fish?
There have been dozens of films made about viruses -- essentially groups of infectious agents working together to kill a host -- like 1995's Outbreak or the zombie-esque 28 Days Later. We've seen packs of killer children in films like Children of the Corn and Village of the Damned, but where should filmmakers set their sights next? Find out who or what should really be ganging up on audiences after the jump.
As Chris reported the other day, New York City is feeling a bit buggy lately. The daily news reported that one in ten New Yorkers has battled bedbugs in their own home, and now the critters are infesting city cinemas. The big apple has been the site of many horrific creature features, but none have featured bedbug attacks. Don't think the nearly invisible parasites are a match for the big screen? King Kong and Godzilla couldn't destroy the city, but an infestation of tiny bedbugs has threatened to bring New York to its knees. I'm thinking someone could even go full on ridiculous with this and make the bedbugs big à la Cloverfield. Or, perhaps Eli Roth could tackle this one for Hostel 3 -- featuring backpackers who defeat the evil bugs with patchouli and b.o.
The magnetic personalities from Psychopathic Records, including the Insane Clown Posse, miraculously joined forces last weekend for The Gathering of the Juggalos -- an annual weekend festival for fans. Apparently, someone thought it would be a good idea to invite Tila Tequila to perform, which she did -- topless. She was brutally attacked upon hitting the stage, and claims fans threw rocks, bottles (of Faygo no doubt), and feces on her -- causing her severe facial injuries. Some of this intense juggalo energy could be easily harnessed for the big screen. Just imagine what a pack of WHOOP WHOOP could do in a slasher movie. Pennywise the Clown and the Killer Klowns From Outer Space were not cracked out on Faygo and didn't have the forces of the Dark Carnival and The Great Milenko behind them.
As a horror fan, I'm ashamed to say I haven't seen the movie about an 18-foot Grizzly who takes on Christopher George -- but alas, I have seen a lot of bad films that all use Alaska as their backdrop. One would think that any film centered around the barren, and often dark landscape would feature creatures more frightening than anyone could possibly imagine -- but I think that's part of the problem. Everyone sees Alaska as the hangout for aliens (The Fourth Kind) or vampires (30 Days of Night), when clearly all they need to do is look in their own backyard for inspiration. Personally, I found Herzog's Grizzly Man far more disturbing than a film like Whiteout (perhaps an unfair comparison ... ), so I say bring on the grizzlies. Give me a bunch of pissed off bears who are tired of oil drillers and eco-terrorists running around their natural habitat and decide to take matters into their own claws. Since Russell Mulcahy has already directed Razorback and is set to do Bait 3D, I have no doubt he can abide by a marauding band of Mother Nature's avengers. He might even give them swords.
Thanks to Al Gore and his fabulous creation, the Internet, it's now far easier for geeks of all kinds to connect and engage in mind-numbingly arcane discussions about the minutia of their favorite movies/comics/videogames/anime/operating systems/whatever. In the wild, you'd only find the fanboy/girl at the usual haunts -- the comic book store, sci-fi conventions, or scarfing down Hot Pockets in their mother's basement between PVP rounds in World of Warcraft, but that has all changed now. Fanboys/girls know they're no longer alone in their nerdly pursuits. You think a gaggle of Star Wars fans arguing about how The Kessel Run line is wrong because parsecs are a unit of length and not time is scary? Wait til you meet the Twihards. These fans come to blows over pretty much anything when it comes to the Twi-franchise. Then there's there's the comic book crowd, where fans dissect every film that comes along because it didn't follow the proper origin story outlined in issue #1. These people make The Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons look normal. The perfect ingredient for a rabid fan film? Just take any zombie film, replace the walking dead with the raging fan community and no one would even know the difference. Imagine being trapped in the Monroeville Mall with hordes of angry geeks trying to take out their nerd rage on you because you dared to say that Dragon Ball Z is a stupid cartoon and Akira Toriyama's artwork is mediocre at best. There might not be enough bullets in all the world to stop that kind of menace.
In my Italian family, guido was considered either an insult or something you jokingly (and hopefully lovingly) called your cousin. While there are many Italians who have been proudly self-identifying with the term for some time now, we can blame MTV's Jersey Shore for turning the "lifestyle" into a pop culture phenomenon. The show has shined a spotlight (albeit one that creates a glare from the copious amounts of hair gel and tanning oil ... ) on some of the more dubious aspects of guido-ism. We've already seen many of these stereotypes play out in mafia/gangster films, but as anyone whose been dance-attacked in a club by a pack of seaside fistpumpers knows -- these images of guidos are pretty romanticized. The frightening reality? There is nothing quite like the sight of day-glo orange tans, duck lips, and stab-happy blowout hair to send you running for the hills. Gangs of guido juiceheads would make the perfect antagonists for a rip-roaring, roid-rage action film.
Every year various publications and websites do a list of the most powerful people in Hollywood -- and while they're usually fairly accurate, they never get the top spot right. While studio execs and actors are definitely powerful people, there's one group in Hollywood who can kill any movie at any time. I'm not talking about film critics -- I'm talking about the MPAA. The Motion Picture Association of America is sort of like the dictatorship that runs Hollywood -- if you don't get at least an R rating on your movie, good luck getting theaters to show it. This faceless group of powerbrokers operates with impunity, taking the artistic vision of creative people and demanding it be cut and reworked to conform to their own moral values. How's that for scary? You can defy this moral tribunal, but releasing your film unrated is as big a kiss of death as the dreaded NC-17. You want your movie to play in theaters, you do what these guys tell you. Knowing this, it's not hard to imagine an Inception-styled thriller where the MPAA uses new technology to infiltrate a filmmaker's movie and change it to their liking. The poor director, meanwhile, will have to race against time to save his film from becoming compromised mainstream pap. I'd actually pay money to watch this.
If there's anyone more villainous in the world right now than BP and oil companies in general, I'm not sure who it is. BP's still on the hotseat for that little fiasco in the Gulf of Mexico -- and just imagine how evil a group of BP CEOs like Tony Hayward could be. Okay, don't imagine it -- just read your newspaper or the Internet. BP's corporate board would make a fabulous villain in a number of different cinematic scenarios. The obvious choice is to cast them as the heartless and dangerous corporation in a business thriller like The Insider. Picture Tony Hayward and crew using all their wealth and resources to silence some corporate Deep Throat -- the Watergate kind, not Linda Lovelace -- as he tries to alert authorities about their evil and greedy plans to bilk the common man/destroy the environment. Or, even better, you could have BP execs playing God -- causing a horrific environmental catastrophe to unleash some kind of oil superweapon like The Blob or that man-eating sludge in Creepshow 2's "The Raft." Naturally, the executives in this film would have to suffer the same kind of fate as the ones who meet their demise in the Grizzly movie mentioned earlier, but that's okay -- because audiences love seeing greedy corporate types get their comeuppance.