Here are some of the funniest quotes from 'Dinner for Schmucks': 'Dinner for Schmucks' comically skews the concept of doing whatever it takes to get ahead. Tim (Paul Rudd), an ambitious sixth-floor analyst for a private equity firm, finally has the opportunity to snag his long sought-after promotion. His boss hosts an annual "dinner for winners," a bogus event in which employees vie to bring the biggest idiot to be secretly mocked for their amusement. At first, Tim's conscience holds him back. Then, in a perfect twist of fate, he meets Barry (Steve Carell), an unwitting IRS agent with a love for taxidermy and a private collection of "mousterpieces." Tim can't resist such an easy ticket to the top and invites Barry to dinner. Unfortunately, the consequential mayhem that ensues seems only to lead Tim on a downward spiral towards rock-bottom.
Here are some of the funniest quotes from 'Dinner for Schmucks':
Susana (Kristen Schaal): Uck! It smells like cabbage on this floor.
Tim: That's the smell of dead dreams.
Susana: I go to clubs at night and people are like hey, who's wearing the cole-slaw? Do you know how hard it is to get laid if you smell like cole-slaw? Not hard...
Tim: You invite idiots to dinner and make fun of them?
Williams (Larry Wilmore): Mmm-hmm.
Tim: That's...messed up.
Tim: Oh my god! You know that is just so like you. You call a guy a douche and you get your first museum show.
Kieran (Jermaine Clement): Do you have any idea what it's like Tim, to be up to your elbow in a zebra's vagina?
Kieran: You should try it Tim, it's magical.
Tim: Jesus Christ! Are you okay?
Barry: Ahh, yeah. I'm okay. Is that a Porsche?
Barry: Oh wow...I have been hit by a Datsun before, but never a Porsche.
Tim: In the words of John Lennon, you may I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.
Barry: The only one.
Tim: The only what?
Barry: No that's the lyric. You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Tim: [chuckles] Okay Tim.
Caldwell (Ron Livingston): My girlfriend is not a hooker.
Williams: She tried to give me a BJ.
Caldwell: If she didn't ask for money then she's not a hooker!
Tim: My back, my back, my back!
Barry: Is it your back?
[Motioning to a picture of Kieran shaking Nelson Mandela's hand.]
Barry: Oh my god! He's friends with Morgan Freeman!
Kieran: Julie's not a penguin, she's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin, ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate? I've never even heard of that.
Barry: So do you guys want to get pizza?
Darla (Lucy Punch): I want to lick cheese off of your naked body.
Barry: Oh, I'm sure Tim has plates.
Tim: Can you help me, please?
Therman (Zach Galifianakis): Perhaps...for a price.
Tim: How much.
Therman: I just need to hear Barry say you can eat my pudding.
Barry: [murmuring] I have gonorrhea-I got gonorrhea from my wife, who got it from a bus seat.
Barry: A goat will eat anything. A goat could probably eat a bicycle.
Kieran: A goat could eat itself; if it was driven to it...I'm just a goat who's halfway through eating itself.
Barry: Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about?
Barry: Well I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm internal optometrist. When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade-unless you don't have any water or sugar. Then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea. So...mamma-mia, poppa-pia, baby's got the dairh-hey Tim!
Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: My god it's raining men. I don't know who's more gorgeous.
Barry: Well beauty is only skin deep-unless something is wrong with your bone structure. Then you could have flawless skin and still be very ugly-because your bones were just...gross.
Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: Were you looking down my dress?
Lewis' Ventriloquist Wife: Why not?
Barry: Tim, were you? Please don't embarrass me.
Therman: Brain control? There ain't no such thing as brain control. There's mind control-brain control is ridiculous.
Barry: I know that you take a magic marker and draw a little face on your penis.
Therman: Is that against the law? I don't think so.
Barry: And you put a little hat on it. And you call it Sammy.
Therman: Nobody is supposed to know that!
Barry: These people invited us here to make fun of us; this is a contest for the biggest idiot-which I nailed!