CATEGORIES Film Fancy

One of the summer's most anticipated comedies, 'Dinner for Schmucks', opens this weekend. It has a fascinating premise: eccentric corporate boss challenges employees to bring the biggest idiots they can find to a dinner to amuse him. The movie stars Paul Rudd as the ambitious employee in search of the perfect buffoon, and Steve Carell as the schmuck he winds up taking to dinner.

The concept prompted me to think about who I would invite to my own dinner of the world's biggest schmucks. But alas, my editor nixed the idea of devoting a post to outlining my dream guest list. Too mean, he said. Fair enough. Rather than scrapping the dinner idea entirely, though, I've compiled a list of celebrities I would like to invite to dinner to see how they would interact with each other. A chemistry test, of sorts.
One of the summer's most anticipated comedies, 'Dinner for Schmucks', opens today. It has a fascinating premise: eccentric corporate boss challenges employees to bring the biggest idiots they can find to a dinner to amuse him. The movie stars Paul Rudd as the ambitious employee in search of the perfect buffoon, and Steve Carell as the schmuck he winds up taking to dinner.

The concept prompted me to think about who I would invite to my own dinner of the world's biggest schmucks. But alas, my editor nixed the idea of devoting a post to outlining my dream guest list. Too mean, he said. Fair enough. Rather than scrapping the dinner idea entirely, though, I've compiled a list of celebrities I would like to invite to dinner to see how they would interact with each other. A chemistry test, of sorts.

The criteria for my dream dinner are simple: must be good conversationalists. Must have thoughts. (Airheads are best relegated to my other, secret, slightly mean-spirited list.) Strong views about politics and religion are a plus. After all, the objective is to orchestrate a dinner party full of lively discussion.

So, without further fanfare or disclaimers, here is my list of fantasy dinner guests. Just to reiterate: I'm not calling these dream guests schmucks (except for maybe Mel Gibson). The goal here is to bring together a diverse group and see how they interact with each other.

1. Madonna. There's no doubt about it: Madge is opinionated. I'd like to put her in a room with some conservatives and see how things play out.

2. Angelina Jolie. My prime motivation behind inviting Angie is to see how she reacts to Madonna. On paper, they seem to share the same values (more or less). However, many question Madonna's motives. Would Angelina? Or would they bond and maybe even go on their next orphan adoption voyage together?

3. Clint Eastwood. Clint is tight with Angelina, but he's also very conservative. What do they talk about? Would they get into a political debate at dinner? Maybe he would silence Madonna with one of his awesome one-liners, like "If you want a guarantee, go buy a toaster." There's really no comeback for a line like that.

4. Sean Penn. He's an outspoken lefty. Plus he's Madonna's ex. Stimulating conversation is bound to ensue.

5. Heather Locklear. Even though there's nothing conservative about once being married to Tommy Lee, Heather is reportedly a staunch right-winger. This strikes me as quite odd. I'd like to see what kinds of things Heather would say in the midst of the politically charged debate this kind of guest list would surely create.

6. Eminem. He likes to keep things real, yo. So if anyone gets too preachy, he'll probably jump in and bring them down a notch with some lessons from the school of hard knocks.

7. Kanye West. Kanye is definitely a wild card. A contrarian of sorts. You never know what he's going to say. I'd like to see how the heavy hitters on this list would respond to Kanye's often-crazy ramblings.

8. Mel Gibson. Speaking of crazy ramblings... Mel is on here because he is undoubtedly insane. How would everyone respond to his racist, sexist tirades?

9. George Clooney. He's been very politically active lately. How would he and Sean Penn react to each other? Would it be mutually congratulatory, or would they constantly be trying to one-up each other?

10. Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi is also on here because she sometimes says outrageous things. Plus she's buds with Mel. And Mel would probably really need a friend at this dinner.