Some would say that there are no winners at Comic-Con (only 150,000 losers), but those people don't have snippy articles to write about the winners of Comic-con. Also, those people probably weren't there when Ryan Reynolds recited the Green Lantern oath to an absolutely flabbergasted little boy and obviously won Comic-Con. So without further ado - and after exhausting hours of sifting through ballots with the guys from Price Waterhouse Coopers - I present to you the 2010 San Diego Comic-Con Awards!

Best Way to Start Comic-con:
Winner: Waking all 5 of the people packed into your hotel room at 7:30 on Thursday morning with Edith Piaf's "Non, je ne Negrette Rien."
Runner-up: A hypodermic needle of amphetamines directly to the heart.

Best Reason to Wear 3-D Glasses:
Winner: Drive Angry 3-D. Because two dimensions are simply not enough to contain Nicolas Cage. Or his anger.
Runner-up: They're the last line of defense between you and a pen to the eye.

Best Reason to Remove 3-D Glasses Despite the Fact that they're the Last Line of Defense Between You and a Pen to the Eye:
Winner: Thor. Kenneth Branagh knows how to shoot for depth, just not this kind of depth. The Thor footage was lifeless, silly, and without an iota of the scale required to balance the character's godly origins. Thanks to the woefully mishandled 3-D, it was also dim and vaguely disorienting. How could a film that features Anthony Hopkins as Odin and Natalie Portman as the prettiest thing in the universe seem so... uninteresting?
Runner-up: The Alpha and Omega trailer. Finally, a kids movie about a wolf desperately trying to have sex with another wolf.

Best Proof that No Lessons Were Learned From I Am Legend:
Winner
: Priest, and its CG vampires.
Runner-up: The last Paul Bettany movie.


Best Repeat Performance:

Winner: Anthony Hopkins as Odin (Thor) as Anthony Hopkins as Hrothgar (Beowulf).
Runner-up: Michael Sheen as Castor (Tron: Legacy) as Jared Leto as Angel Face (Fight Club)

Best Ass:
Winner: Sylvester Stallone. Seriously, that thing could clench and yank Thor's hammer from its stone. Maggie Q and Scarlett Johansson worked their mojo on my hormones to be sure, but Sly - with his black slacks and billowing white button-down - reminded you why you take all those horse steroids in the first place.
Runner-up: Me, for missing the panels for The Haunted Mansion and Super.

Best Reason to Be a 14 year-old Boy:

Winner: Super 8. J.J. Abrams - in his continuing quest to redefine the dynamic shared between modern media and its audience - made a point of how neat it would be for some kid to be jazzed by the Super 8 trailer only to later learn that he's actually going to be the star of the movie. Reminded me of a thought I had about Lost, which is that actor Mark Pellegrino might have been just another one of the fans who spent two years wondering about who Jacob might be, only to learn that the answer was a bit closer than he could have imagined...
Runner-up: Absolutely no responsibilities / chance to meet Chris Hansen.



Best Reason to See Let Me In:
Winner: Richard Jenkins.
Runner-up: You hate your money. If you've ever thought, "I would love to pay $14 to see a bunch of talented people squander a year of their lives on an inexplicably faithful watered down facsimile of a great film I've already seen," then this is the movie for you. Or so the screened footage would suggest...
2nd Runner-up: Another great chance to see that hysterical trailer for Gulliver's Travels! That bit about Jack Black's muttonchops gets better every time.

Best Emasculation of Hans Zimmer:

Winner: Daft Punk in Tron: Legacy. Sorry, Zimmer's score for Inception, you just weren't loud and confrontational enough.

Best Opportunity for Warner Bros. to Have Christopher Nolan Announce the Title for the Sequel to The Dark Knight:
Winner:
Comic-con 2010.
Runner-up: The comments section of this post.

Best Cure for Cynicism:
Winner: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. This movie is a brilliant bundle of joy from first frame to last. Among the very best films of the year, it's also a breathless reminder that cinema offers filmmakers the means to adapt graphic novels as uniquely expressive works rather than simply the tools necessary to copy them wholesale.
Runner-up: The tone of Cowboys & Aliens. Rather then running with a jokey, flippant tone that eschewed the classic conventions of the Western for something a bit more palatable to modern audiences, Jon Favreau and co. opted for a traditionally dusty and deliberate feel that marries John Ford with Close Encounters of the Third Kind. This was both a relief and an unexpected change of pace for writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), who usually write films that opt for a feel of "unrelenting agony."

Best Reunion:
Winner
: The Avengers. Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson finally together again so Hollywood can milk that blockbuster Nanny Diaries chemistry just one more time.
Runner-up: Tron: Legacy. The sight of old Jeff Bridges watching younger, hollow-eyed Jeff Bridges was like seeing a man meet his own zombie avatar. In a related story, by the time you finish reading this article Paramount Pictures will have announced Zombatar: Undead and Loving It for Summer 2013. And in a slightly less fictional related story, the Tron: Legacy footage re-united film fans with "awesomeness."

Best Diversionary Tactic:
Winner:
Comic-con brass telling the masses of Hall H not to pay any mind to the infamous and tremendously unfortunate eye-stabbing incident in the back of the room... thus alerting the masses of Hall H to the infamous and tremendously unfortunate eye-stabbing incident in the back of the room.
Runner-up: Comic-con brass then diverting attention from the attack by re-running the Trailer Park trailers on the Hall H screens, beginning with Gulliver's Travels in a misguided effort to distract the hordes from a violent attack on a fan by showing them an even violent-er attack on a literary classic.

Best Answer to Why the Nerd Crossed the Street:
Winner:
To get to Pacey-con! Duh.


Runner-up: To get to that Starbucks beneath the Bayfront Hilton that had a comparatively tiny line and played nothing but sci-fi T.V. show themes. And believe you me, the X-Files music was the only appropriate soundtrack to the sight of Batman ordering a Frappuccino.

Best Reason to Avoid Comic-con Altogether:
Winner: Your name is M. Night Shyamalan, and the Devil trailer is being screened for 6,500 burned geeks in Hall H.
Runner-up: You have a healthy respect for your physical well-being.

Best Excuse to Leave Comic-con Before Sunday:
Winner: There really isn't any good reason I can think of - your regular life is simply not this much fun. The wonder of Comic-con is that you can be disappointed by a significant portion of the panels and still leave with a reinforced love of storytelling as well as hazy memories of the best weekend of your life.
Runner-up: The Glee panel.