CATEGORIES Horror

Welcome to another episode of I Would Have Saved/Killed. It goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film at hand, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.


Name:
Diana Waits

Cause of Death: Transformed into a mass of green, vegetable slime and eaten by trolls goblins

Verdict: I would have saved her

Reason: I am not going to argue that my desire to save the matriarch of the ill-fated Waits family has anything to do with that character. In fact, Troll 2 is so blissfully terrible that referring to these meat sticks in late 80's attire as "characters" stretches the denotation of the word. Nor will I try to b.s. you into believing that I pined for more screen time for actress Margo Prey who, despite I'm sure being a perfectly nice whackjob (watch Best Worst Movie for more insight), is about as bad an actress you will find. In fact, if they were going to kill her all along I would have preferred her demise to have been a bit speedier. So why then do I want to save her?

My reason for wanting to save Mrs. Waits has to do with her son Michael. Imagine if you were Michael Waits for a moment. You are living in the same home with tanned planks of wood who call themselves your parents and a sister who parades around in giant tee-shirts and dances like an exiled stripper with a bad case of epilepsy. Your mother routinely forces you to participate in off-key choruses of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" and your parents' idea of a family vacation is to swap houses with a bunch of dirty bumpkins from the most jerkwater town this side of...any other town in Utah I suppose. Your only real friend is the ghost of your dead grandfather whose enormous head keeps popping up in the mirror every time you try to comb your hair or brush your teeth. On top of all of this, you are the only one aware of an impending goblin attack and have to piss all over hospitality to get your message heard.

This kid has it rough both as a character and as an actor in this God-awful film. So the final turn of the screw that finds poor Michael having to watch his mother being eaten seems mean-spirited. So no, I don't give two rat's hinders about the mother herself, but for the love of Cthulu, can we please curb the shitstorm befalling this poor kid?