Seems like just yesterday that Megan Fox was being feted as Hollywood royalty -- funny how the passage of a year and a few box office flops can change all that. Fox, who seemingly rose to stardom out of nowhere when Michael Bay cast her in his Transformers movies, appears to be learning that meteoric rises to fame can feature crashes that are just as fast. After the disappointing performance of Jennifer's Body late last year, followed up by her quitting (before they could fire her ... ) Transformers 3 and abysmal opening for Jonah Hex, everyone's suddenly wondering, "Who cares anyway?" "How can Megan Fox get her career back on track?"

Luckily for Megan, I'm here to provide some wisdom and guidance. I can almost guarantee that following any of these seven steps (after the jump) will have Fox back on top of the world in no time -- and following all seven could make her empress of the galaxy or something.

Option 1. Erotic Thrillers!

Once upon a time, no one really knew who Sharon Stone was. Sure, you recognized her when she turned up in a movie's supporting cast -- invariably as "Oh, there's that blonde chick!" which is almost exactly what I said when she was in Total Recall -- but then something magical happened. Stone landed one of the lead roles in Paul Verhoeven's 1992 erotic thriller, Basic Instinct. A few sex scenes and a kitty flash later, Stone was an actress everyone knew and couldn't wait to cast. Don't believe this works? She went from Action Jackson, to Basic Instinct, to Casino and Marty Scorsese. I think the proof is, as they say, in the pudding. If Stone didn't do Basic Instinct, it could have been a career filled with parts playing second fiddle to Steven Seagal. No one wants that -- just ask Kelly LeBrock. If Megan Fox could find a raunchy-yet-mainstream erotic thriller, it could be just the thing to turn her career around. Wait, I think I see Denise Richards à la Wild Things raising her hand ...

Option 2. Wonder Woman, Duh!

If the thought of seeing Fox engage in simulated passion while showing off her feminine wiles isn't enough to get people into the theater (hmmm ... ), the next best thing could be playing a superhero. Everyone loves superhero movies -- just look at this site! We can't go ten minutes without posting a story about some spandex-wearing character with super-powers and broadly drawn personal issues. At one point, rumors were running rampant that Fox was going to play Wonder Woman in a big screen adaptation of the DC comic book. This made perfect sense, and fanboys were giddy with excitement at the thought her running around in a star-spangled bikini and bustier combo. Photoshopped images of her in the outfit were everywhere, and then the unthinkable happened: Fox came out and said "Wonder Woman is a lame superhero ... She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don't get it. Somebody has a big challenge on their hands whoever takes that role but I don't want to do it." Just like that, the dream was over.

It's hard to argue with Fox's logic regarding Wonder Woman -- she is a lame superhero -- but there's little doubt that playing the character could be her ticket back to the A-list. Instead, she's apparently signed on to appear in a comic film based on Michael Turner's Fathom. In this tale, she's going to play a sort of-mermaid with amnesia who's rescued by a cruise ship and has strange powers. I'm not sure how this is any less lame than Wonder Woman (who has mainstream name recognition going for her -- who, outside of comic shop regulars, has ever heard of Fathom?). I will say this -- at least Fathom should make the fanboys happy -- Fox should spend a lot of time in swimwear.

Option 3. Go Ugly for Oscar Buzz

Remember in Tropic Thunder when Robert Downey Jr. was talking about how playing a mentally handicapped character was a key for critical recognition? That's for the fellas. Tom Hanks, Dustin Hoffman, Billy Bob Thornton -- all have taken this road to success. Women, on the other hand, tend to take on a role that requires them to hide their beauty instead. Think Salma Hayek and her unibrow in Frida or Nicole Kidman and her crazy nose as Virginia Wolfe in The Hours and you're on the right track (Kidman provides not one, but two useful pointers for Fox in this role -- make yourself ugly, and play a respected famous person. Both are paths to critical acclaim it seems). Hayek received a Best Actress Oscar nod for Frida and Kidman won for The Hours. Hard to argue with those results. Of course, the "full retard" argument of Tropic Thunder also applies here. You don't want to really be ugly -- you just want to be less beautiful than normal. So, Fox shouldn't go out and attach a third eye to her forehead or sign up to play the female version of The Elephant Man -- but she could benefit from taking a role that requires her to don a hairy mole or causes her to be all thumbs -- zing! Critics and awards voters eat that stuff up -- and winning an Oscar means you're set for life. Whenever someone says "Wow, you haven't been in a great movie in ages ... " you just point to the statue and walk away. That's what Nic Cage does ...

Option 4. Three Words: Quentin. Tarantino. Movie.

It may be too soon for this one to work perfectly, but if you're a star who's fallen on hard times, it pays to seek out Quentin Tarantino. QT's hip films are famous for bringing back stars of yesteryear and putting them right back in the public spotlight. Just ask John Travolta, David Carradine or Pam Grier -- all three experienced career renaissances after appearing in Tarantino projects. Even Daryl Hannah turned her supporting role in the Kill Bill movies into more paying work. Tarantino has the magic touch when it comes to these actor resurrections. Recent rumors had him wanting to cast Lindsay Lohan. If he can save her, saving Megan Fox would be a walk in the park by comparison.

For this to truly be effective, Megan might have to wait a few years and fall on even harder times than she's experiencing currently -- but looking at her slate of upcoming projects, that doesn't seem like it's entirely out of the realm of possibility. If she should be unlucky enough to find herself completely forgotten and out of work a few years from now, I'm sure calling Tarantino and asking him to help could resurrect her career in short order. I can see it now -- Megan Fox starring as the sexy thirty-something gun-toting babe in Tarantino's latest epic. Sure, it'd be a lot of dialogue -- but that's what dialogue coaches are for.

Option 5. Hire a Publicist

I'm guessing Megan Fox probably already has a publicist/PR person. If she does, she needs to fire them immediately because they're not doing her career any favors. "What's the problem," you might be wondering? I'll tell you -- they let her speak. Part of being famous is giving interviews -- it just comes with the territory. However, if you read a lot of movie star interviews, you notice that famous people always give the safest, most predictable, responses to every question. It's bland, it's boring, and some of us actually like Fox because she doesn't do this -- but the truth is, it's killing her career. If there's been a mega star with more puzzling interview quotes than Megan Fox in the past three years, I couldn't begin to tell you who it is. Every time this girl has a microphone or tape recorder in front of her, I automatically cringe -- because you know something bad is about to come out of her mouth. I used to think people were taking quotes out of context -- I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but these moments happen so often that it can't be just that.

I'm all for refreshing candor and honest answers -- but Fox has a tendency to say destructive things in these moments -- or just be way too truthful. Journalists love it because it sells magazines and draws web traffic and TV viewers, but it gives the American public a really messed up perception of this young actress. Look at her war with Michael Bay. No one really likes Michael Bay (except maybe his mother), but it's career suicide to trash your boss in the national press.

Even when she's not talking bad about her employer, Fox manages to say odd things in the worst way. If she were a little more famous, she'd get away with it, but she's not quite at that Angelina Jolie stage where you can talk about wearing a vial of your husband's blood around your neck and still earn the admiration of millions. When Fox talks about her strip club escapades, thoughts on bisexuality, and drugs (amongst countless other topics), the effect is bad. TMI missy -- a little mystery is good. Plus, you can be as crazy as you want in your private life -- look at Charlie Sheen.

Option 6. Find a Mentor

There's nothing wrong with admitting you don't have a clue what you're doing and seeking out the guidance of someone who's been there before you. A good mentor could totally turn Fox's career around by telling her what she should be doing and how she should be doing it. Apparently, Megan's one step ahead of us on this one, as she's spent some time recently working with Mickey Rourke. If there's anyone in Hollywood who understands what it's like to be on top of the world one day and forgotten the next, it's Mickey. At one time, Rourke was like the poster boy for bad decisions -- from his ill-fated boxing career to appearing in movies like Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, Rourke had a gift for choosing the worst option available at any given moment. Then, somehow, he turned it all around with The Wrestler (Sin City was a huge help too). I'm sure he could share this wisdom with his new friend Megan. The added bonus here is even if Rourke falls back into his terrible decision-making ways, he's still invaluable. All you do then is ask him what he'd do and do the exact opposite. It's a win-win, Megan!

Option 7. Call Michael Bay.

This could be the simplest solution to Fox's problems -- eat a little humble pie and get Michael Bay on the phone. Apologize (even though you don't mean it) and get him to put you back into Transformers 3 as Mikaela's evil twin sister. No matter how awful that film turns out to be, it'll make a bazillion dollars and your string of box office failures will be ended -- at least temporarily.

Good luck, Megs!
CATEGORIES Cinematical