Did you know that 87% of all sex in America is immediately preceded by a Michael Bay film? Of course you didn't know that. I just made it up. But it's safe to say that sex and movies are activities that only occur at night (right?), so logic dictates that one would, at least sometimes, follow the other. (With perhaps a meal wedged in there somewhere.) So in line with the dental work silliness and the air travel warnings from last week, I now offer an essential list of five flicks to avoid before having sex with someone. (Note: Cinematical does not condone the act of sex. We're just aware that it exists.)
1. Friday the 13th Part 2 -- If ever there was a slasher flick's argument for simple, wonderful chastity, it would have to be the mid-coital double penetration that occurs midway through Steve Miner's Friday the 13th Part 2. It's a quick and vicious kill, and one that's surprisingly free of gore -- probably because there's no way Paramount could get a scene past the MPAA in which a pair of young lovers get skewered together ... and they don't even get to finish. Violent and tragic.
2. Species -- Let's say you have one of those amazing (fictional) nights in which a gorgeous woman gets naked and leaps into a hot tub with you. Let's further assert that she looks like Natasha Henstridge and, again, she's naked. If you'd watched Species earlier that night, then you would know what's about to happen: the chick is going to punch the back of your head out with her mutant alien mouth. Still, considering what Natasha looks like, it's actually not a bad trade-off.
3. Teeth -- Listen up, young fellas. Be sure to treat your young lady friends with care and respect, even (or especially) when issues of a sexual nature arise. But if you simply love being a nasty jerk to your long-suffering girlfriend, I recommend you take a look at the amusingly twisted horror flick Teeth, and pay close attention to what happens to mean boys who manhandle a gal with (obviously) unexpected teeth in her vagina. Surely this would never happen to you -- but why not be extra nice, just on the off chance that it could?
4. I Spit On Your Grave -- OK, this one's obvious. Frankly, if your pre-sex film viewing includes a screening of Meir Zarchi's repulsive I Spit On Your Grave, you have more important things to do than read Cinematical. (Like take your medication.) No, obviously one should avoid any and all "explicit rape" sequences before getting physically romantic, but the mega-sleazy I Spit On Your Grave warrants a mention because it features brutal castration on top of all the scummy rape sequences. It's like equal opportunity genital ickiness. One assumes the upcoming remake will not make for a perfect date movie.
5. Showgirls -- Let's be honest: if you're not actively "in the mood," then the human sex act can look like a pretty silly thing. Paul Verhoeven's monumentally terrible Showgirls takes that inane theory one step further by making ostensibly normal intercourse look absolutely, jaw-droppingly, forehead-smackingly hilarious. Yes, I'm talking about the pool scene in which Kyle MacLachlan and Elizabeth Berkeley have some of the spazziest, twitchiest, goofiest angercourse you'll ever see. Any attempt at physical romance after watching this film would inevitably end in muffled giggling from both parties.
Oh, and since none of these scenes are exactly unraunchy, here's something innocuous that you should also avoid viewing before having sex.
So we open it up to you, fine reader. Keep it PG-13 (or, fine, a light R), but please do share with us your suggestions on which films one (or two, or more) should avoid before getting all naked and carnalogical?