Hey! All you people out there claiming that global warming doesn't exist! You better shut your mouth right now. You're upsetting Brooke Shields. And no one upsets Brooke Shields on my watch. Nobody!

After all, science has proven that we're doomed and chances are that the cause will be something we started. Because we're stupid. Each and every last one of us. Sure, we may be trying to contact alien lifeforms using open source code, but don't get cozy and expect to meet a being from beyond the stars anytime soon. When the aliens arrive to ravage our planet and steal our resources in a spot-on re-enactment of Independence Day, we'll all be long gone, boiled to death under our own ozone layer.

How exactly are we the cause of our own terrible demise? Let's take a quick look at a few examples.

You know how people keep on killing whales despite the fact that they're amazing, glorious animals? It turns out that whale poop helps fertilize the oceans and helps sea life flourish. By killing the whales, you're killing the oceans and by killing the oceans you're killing the major source of food and power for people the world over. Stupid humans! Stupid!

And it's not just the ocean where mankind is slowly and stupidly steeping toward its own demise. Take the Peruvian city of Cerro de Pasco, where an ever-expanding mine has started to devour the entire town. The massive pit grows every day and has already ate the town square and a three hundred year old church. And they keep on mining! Once this hole has eaten this city, what's to stop it from devouring Peru? South America? The entire planet?

And in news that will be shocking to no one, the United States has lost more trees in the past decade than any other country on Earth. Go America! Number one in everything!

There is one common theme here. The world is doomed because of humanity's ever-insatiable need for energy. We must find an alternate source. That's obvious. But from where? Nuclear power goes boom, wind power is an eyesore, people say they want solar but they really don't and giant hamster wheels turned by the wives and children of your defeated enemies are not in vogue right now. What do we do?

Scientists at a laboratory in California have the only obvious answer. They have constructed the world's largest laser, which will fire upon a piece of tritium, creating a miniature sun that will hover right next to the Earth, providing us with all of the power we could possibly need. Yes. That is not a joke. They are going to use the world's biggest laser to make a star. There is only one foreseeable problem here: they will be using a the world's biggest laser to create a star. What's wrong with you guys? Didn't you see Spider-Man 2? Where Doc Ock used a piece of tritium to create a small star that almost destroyed Manhattan? If something goes wrong here, we won't have a Spider-Man to save our butts!

The whole laser-star thing just seems risky to me. Especially when kites are a far easier and pleasant alternative.

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CATEGORIES Features, Sci-Fi