Thank you for buying a Samsung television. Please proceed with caution. Watching this TV might cause epileptic seizures, strokes, eye strain, disorientation, perceptual after-effects, and decreased postural stability. If any of the following symptoms occur, please stop watching 3D immediately: altered vision, lightheadedness, dizziness, muscle twitching, confusion, nausea, loss of awareness, convulsions, cramps, and/or disorientation. Do not entertain yourself with 3D if you are in bad physical condition, are tired, or are drinking alcohol. Finally, do not place your television near cables and other objects that could injure you.

While the above is not verbatim language from Samsung, all of the above warnings are included on Samsung's Australia website right here. Yes, folks -- according to the website, the only safe way to enjoy 3D television is to keep it away from cords (in fact, cut the TV cord right off!), watch that blank, black screen sober, fully awake, and in perfect medical health. And if you decide to be sassy and ignore the cable-free guideline, please avoid watching confusing 3D cinema, because confusion is a 3D no-no.

How does Samsung explain their ridiculous warnings? Read on...

Variety has shared a statement from the company, which states:
Like many other consumer electronic products, Samsung 3D TVs -- and all Samsung TVs -- carry a consumer advisory to equip our customers with information necessary to enjoy our products responsibly. When used properly and instructions and advisories are followed, 3D functions should not pose adverse health or safety risks.
Obviously, Samsung's statement is quite pointless, since their "information" doesn't help people enjoy their televisions, and in fact, discourages anyone from ever buying or using one. Variety's piece notes that this is surely the result of lawsuit paranoia, although Dr. Martin Banks of UC Berkeley (who has studied the effects of 3D entertainment on the body), states: "There's essentially no evidence to back up some of these concerns."

If you remove the late-night movie watchers, the crampy and sick, the beer-drinking sports nuts, and the couch potatoes in poor physical health, who's left?