We all know the world is going to end; an inevitability proven by any number of ancient scriptures or Roland Emmerich films. But if we are lucky enough to survive the bomb, or the meteor, or...Nicolas Cage performance that unmakes our entire existence, we will have a whole host of new problems to deal with. As an avid watcher of post-apocalyptic cinema, I decided it was high time to take these prescient forecasts of our inescapable fate and issue a somber warning to our readership. Every week I will breakdown a post-apocalyptic film (usually Italian, usually from the 1980's) so that we may ready ourselves for the bleak future ahead of us. I give you Aftermath Mondays!
This Week's Disaster: 1990: Bronx Warriors
Who Did They Rip-Off: Even though the title would suggest an Escape From New York plagiarism like last week's film, and there are a smattering of elements from Escape, the film primarily rips off The Warriors. The Warriors is one of my favorite films and revolves around all the various, colorful gangs of New York banding together to try and kill one particular gang they believe killed the leader of the baddest gang in the city. 1990: Bronx Warriors takes the rejected gang concepts from The Warriors, bleaches them with concentrated 80's, and vomits them onto the screen.
What Went Wrong: The interesting thing about 1990: Bronx Warriors is it isn't the entire planet that has suffered through an apocalypse nor is it even the entirety of New York City. Apparently the "authorities" got tired of the rampant lawlessness in The Bronx and rather than continuing to fight to restore law and order, they simply declare it a "no man's land" and cordon it off for good. So while the rest of the planet is business as usual, to the people of The Bronx the world has ended. Though it is never explained, when they show overhead shots of the borrow there are collapsed buildings and piles of rubble indicative of a major conflict.
Who Survived: Roller-skating rapists, motorcycle Nazis, Bob Fosse street fighters with KISS makeup, superhero dominatrices, postal worker assassins, drunken homeless guys, Communist pimps, and zombies covered in powder sugar. Like last week's film, 1990: Bronx Warriors has no shortage of mind-melting absurdity. And I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the other principal survivor of the cataclysm: studded headbands. Yup, nothing says, "don't mess with me" like the macho fashion sense of Olivia Newton-John.
Who's In Charge: In the rest of New York, an upper class elite work in conjunction with duly appointed vigilante squads that include both members of the police force and anyone who harbors hateful disdain for The Bronx. As we discussed last week, flame-throwers seem the weapon of choice for authoritative regimes in Italian Post-Apocalyptic films. So I will give one million theoretical dollars to anyone who can guess the main weapon employed by the vigilante squads during the raid at the end of 1990: Bronx Warriors. In the ill-fated borrow itself, power is wielded by The Riders. This gang of motorcycle heavies are the most powerful gang in The Bronx and therefore the chieftains.
Who Will Save Us: The attempts by those in power to completely annihilate The Bronx are thwarted by the leader of The Riders, Trash. Trash is about the least masculine badass ever captured on film. His gait is less John Wayne and more Anthony Perkins and his jeans are so tight as to bring into sharp focus his own little Bronx Warriors.
When Will It All End: The title says it all. If you currently own real estate in The Bronx, make sure you have it sold off by the year 1990 or else notice a marked loss of return on that investment. But then again, 1990 is so far away one really needn't worry about it.