You'd think Jaws 3 would have been enough to convince Universal that 3D wasn't the way to go for any future Jaws installments. I mean, is there a more awful example of the studios' attempts at 3D films in 1983 than Joe Alves' tale of a Great White Shark eating people at Sea World? If there is, I've blocked it from memory.

However, since no one can get a new Jaws film off the ground (thank god, because some of the ideas have been ludicrous), producer Richard Zanuck is talking about the next best thing--taking the original and converting it to 3D. Zanuck broached the topic with the LA Times recently, and they shared this bit of troubling news.

"Zanuck and Spielberg spoke a few years ago about going back to the original film with the digital paintbrush of CG effects to create a more horrific predator. They decided, for the time being, to leave the film alone, although Zanuck says he is intrigued by the notion of adding 3D effects to the 1976 classic for a theatrical re-release."

Hear that? That's me screaming "nooooooo!" at the top of my lungs, while on my knees looking at the sky.

Jump past the break for some reasons why this is the worst idea in the history of mankind.


So, why is this a bad idea--beyond the typical knee-jerk "don't mess with something I love" reaction?

3D conversions suck because they don't really create the true depth of something shot in the format. Plus, Jaws doesn't really have enough moments to warrant going through the conversion process anyway. Sure, Ben Gardner's corpse popping out of the boat and Bruce crashing on to the Orca would be pretty cool (as would the shark ramming Hooper's cage), but that's basically it. Taking a "digital paintbrush" to the shark sounds equally disastrous. Bruce, the mechanical shark, is still way cooler than any of the CGI monstrosities in a film like Deep Blue Sea. Updating him with CGI would be silly and potentially ruin the tension of the film. There will almost assuredly be a desire to add more shots of the CGI shark to the film to maximize the producer's bang for the buck factor--and part of what makes Jaws work so well is that we don't see the shark all that often.

This isn't an etched-in-stone definitely-going-to-happen thing, but the mere thought of them messing around with Spielberg's original film is enough to make this Jaws fanboy (300+ viewings and counting...) want to puke. How do you feel about it? Share your vitriol in the comment section below.