Welcome to a new feature here at Horror Squad you can expect to find every Wednesday and Friday. It's called I Would Have Saved/Killed and it goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film to the right, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.


Fate: Cottoncandified

Cause Of Death: Suffocation, presumably

Verdict: I Would Have Saved Her

Reason: Even though this bit player received less than 20 seconds screen time in Killer Klowns From Outer Space, she's always the first thing that comes to mind when I think of the movie (which is absurdly often). Why would I change the fate of this anonymous nobody? Because she's one of the bravest fictional characters I've ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on.

Don't believe me? Imagine this. You're at home on an Friday night, minding your own business, drinking box wine by yourself. You aren't expecting company, and you certainly haven't ordered any pizza. Suddenly the doorbell rings. You open it and see this monstrosity:

What do you do? Run? Scream? Faint from the sheer terror of what you are witnessing? Not this girl. At first she looks (at most) mildly surprised. But she recovers almost immediately, puts her empty hand on her hip, hoists her wine-carrying hand just a smidgen, and then - in her sassiest voice - utters the legendary (to me, at least) line: "Oh, pizza?"

She's not shocked that there's a giant mutated clown on her doorstep! Nor is she the least bit bothered by the sudden appearance of his two buddies.

This woman is clearly made of sterner stuff than you or I. In fact, it is only when a fourth mutant clown emerges from the stack of pizza boxes that our heroine finally displays a hint - just a hint, mind you - of fear.

Sadly, it is the fourth clown that proves to be her undoing. With a cowardly blast of the tiny guy's cotton-candy gun, the World's Bravest Lingere-Wearing, Wine-Sipping Blonde dies an ignoble death.

This brave soul clearly deserved a better fate, and in my alternate universe, she would have quickly dispatched the four clowns on her doorstep, displaced the goofs who - up until that point - had been the film's lead characters, and saved the world from the Pancake-Makeup Menace.
CATEGORIES Features, Horror