Sometimes, this whole "movie news" thing is just depressing. For every thing I post about Alfonso Cuaron making an amazing sounding science fiction film with Angelina Jolie, I have another piece about popular non-entity Taylor Lautner making the big decision that one movie based on a lame toy line is more worthy of his time than another.

Yes folks, Taylor Lautner has dropped out of Max Steel so he can concentrate on Stretch Armstrong.

There's got to be a hilarious Hollywood satire at the center of all of this. Paramount and Mattel face off against Universal and Hasbro, both trying to recruit the super-hot but dreadfully boring star of the moment to play second tier characters based on toys that no one has cared about in ages. Quick! Find me a Necronomicon and let's resurrect Robert Altman to make a pseudo-sequel to The Player! Or we can just get Armando Iannucci, if that's cheaper.

I remember commercials for Max Steel and Stretch Armstrong toys when I was but a wee lad, but even at an age where bad taste is a way of life, I knew Max Steel was a pretty big bag of lame and that the actual playability of a Stretch Armstrong was limited. The fact that they are even considering making a movie about either of these properties is mind-boggling to me. At least GI Joe and Transformers were brands with longevity. Do they even make either of these toys anymore?

The very thought of Taylor "My Abs Are As Rock Hard As My Unmoving And Boring Face" Lautner playing the lead in a movie about a guy who can stretch real good makes me want to drain a bottle of vodka and cry myself to sleep in the closet. It truly feels like the bottom of the barrel. It makes me depressed to be a movie fan.

(Via The Vulture)
CATEGORIES Movies, Sci-Fi