Sometimes you just need to get away from all that pesky sunshine and sanity, and when movies themselves just aren't enough of an escape, Hollywood can point us all in the right direction when it comes to making the perfect wrong turn. In honor of this month's Shutter Island and Frozen, we proudly present a list of seven places that filmdom has taught us to just stay the f**k away from already.
1. An asylum -- Look, every once in a while, you have to work with you. I get it, the checks won't earn themselves. But if your job takes you to an asylum, whether working and isolated on a cold, rocky island (as in Shutter Island) or abandoned and filled with asbestos on the mainland (as in Session 9), the general rule of them is simple: don't go there. Give it up. Nothing good ever comes of these joints. I know that times are tough, but find yourself a new line of work, because there's no way this is going to end well.
2. The lake house -- Okay, Mr. or Mrs. Fancy Pants, you're good enough to pass up loony-bin gigs and you've got your own little place nestled, in all likelihood, in upstate New York. Well, think about this: if either version of Funny Games and either version of The Last House on the Left have taught us anything, your daughter will end up raped and/or killed, your dog will end up just killed, your son will be toyed with and then killed, your husband will take a golf club to the kneecaps, your couch will get stained with blood (if not fearful sweat and urine) and your eggs will all go to waste. Again, trust me on this one -- skip out on the yuppie outing at the home away from home.
3. The woods -- Maybe you're more the outdoors type. Good for you; we could all use more exercise and fresh air. But wait... what's that? That's true, you're probably going to run into: A) a tormenting witch (The Blair Witch Project), B) whiny-ass film students (same), C) nutty deer (The Ring Two), D) hillbilly redneck types (Wrong Turn) and/or E) a combination of falling acorns, talking self-mutilating foxes, a gonzo Charlotte Gainsbourg and Willem Dafoe's schlong (Antichrist). Yeah, on second thought, f*ck the forest.
4. The tropics -- Also: f*ck the rainforest. Plants come to life (The Ruins), raptors run rampant (any Jurassic Park film), people steal your organs (Turistas), others steal your identity (A Perfect Getaway), plus the cell reception's for sh*t. It's all hardly worth the bother to work on your tan; that's why we have the spray-on stuff.
5. The beach -- This is why we have pools. Open water = sharks (Jaws, Open Water), if not mutated mega-sharks (Deep Blue Sea) or that squid thing from Deep Rising. Nobody's lining up to be the next Kintner boy for a reason.
6. The caves -- You're kidding me, right? There's a great documentary called The Descent that should get the message across. Go on, I'll wait.
7. The mountains -- Uh, abandoned ski lifts (Frozen). Killer novelists (The Shining). Cannibal soldiers (Ravenous). Nazi zombies (Dead Snow). Acid lakes (Dante's Peak; also: active volcanoes). Regular ol' serial killers (the Cold Prey films). John Lithgow (Cliffhanger). Don't do it, man.
Honorable mentions: the moors (I don't even know what these are, really, but I promise that you're gonna get bit -- An American Werewolf in London, The Wolf Man, The Wolfman)