I hope all you Canadians, whom I miss so dearly (that is not sarcasm), had a lovely Valentine's Day. Myself, I received a lovely shortbread cookie with the word "love" in red icing and a sweet Valentine's Day card. Yes, LA was a very loving place all weekend. Now, it's back to its usual selfish... I mean, self.

The film 'Valentine's Day' opened this past Friday. I suppose it had to. I wish it didn't. Normally, I am a sucker for love-themed movies. Then again, maybe I still am. I wasn't sucked in to 'Valentine's Day', though, because I didn't feel any love.

I hope all you Canadians, whom I miss so dearly (that is not sarcasm), had a lovely Valentine's Day. Myself, I received a lovely shortbread cookie with the word "love" in red icing and a sweet Valentine's Day card. Yes, LA was a very loving place all weekend. Now, it's back to its usual selfish... I mean, self.

The film 'Valentine's Day' opened this past Friday. I suppose it had to. I wish it didn't. Normally, I am a sucker for love-themed movies. Then again, maybe I still am. I wasn't sucked in to 'Valentine's Day,' though, because I didn't feel any love.

It's always a risk when you have an ensemble piece with multiple plot lines. Robert Altman executed it beautifully in 'Short Cuts.' Paul Thomas Anderson's 'Magnolia,' ditto. But, wow. This film took on more than it could handle. There is the Ashton Kutcher storyline -- he's a florist who proposes to his lifeless, boring girlfriend Jessica Alba on Valentine's morning. By Valentine's afternoon, he has a returned engagement ring and a broken relationship. There is the Jennifer Garner storyline, where she wakes up on Valentine's morning with her doctor boyfriend Patrick Dempsey. By Valentine's eve, it turns out that while, yes, she is the surgeon's girlfriend, it's only because that is the only available romantic position in his life, given that he already has a wife. Heart surgeon by day and heartbreaker by night.

And then there's the Taylor Swift/Taylor Lautner storyline. They are high school sweethearts and like, wow, they, like, make out a lot, you know? Totally! It was actually funny, though, hearing the male Taylor's character say that he is uncomfortable taking his shirt off in public, given how often he was shirtless in 'The Twilight Saga: New Moon'.



There is the storyline about a little kid who falls madly in love with a schoolmate. There is the storyline about an older couple, Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo. There is a storyline about a single, lonely candy-binging publicist played by Jessica Biel and the storyline about her client, a gay single football star. There is the storyline about a sports journalist played by Jamie Foxx. Actually, I'm not even sure that was a storyline. That might have just been an idea. There is the Anne Hathaway storyline where she plays an office temp and a phone sex operator. Yawn.

Honestly, this film was so boring that I just started looking in the background of the scenes to see which places in LA I have visited. Oh wait. Just when you didn't think this film was enough of a random hodgepodge, there's a Julia Roberts storyline I didn't tell you about. Ah, you know what? Nevermind.

The only redeeming thing about this film, besides that it had an ending (though, I can't actually be sure the film does have an ending, because I walked out after an hour and a half of torture), was Ashton Kutcher's performance. He actually had depth and a lot of heart. I wouldn't even blame the rest of the cast's acting chops for their sub-par performances. They had nothing with which to work. They'd have had as good a shot at conveying emotion if they were reading aloud the little comic strips that come with Bazooka bubblegum.

If you are finding this review boring beyond belief, I swear that it possesses more spunk than this film. The poorly-done 'He's Just Not That Into You' seemed Shakespearean compared to 'Valentine's Day,' which triggers the question, to see or not to see? Most definitely not.

Sorry, 'Valentine's Day.' It's not me. It's you.