CATEGORIES Fandom, Lists, Cinematical


We've arrived at the very end of 2009, which means it's finally time to unveil our hotly-anticipated 25 Hottest and Lamest lists of 2009. Tonight we conclude the festivities with our 25 Lamest of 2009 list, which includes a number of movie-related events (films, actors, actresses, trends, scenes) that we all thought were the hands-down lamest things to happen in Hollywood over the past 12 months. Joining us from the Cinematical staff for this year's lists are Eric D. Snider, William Goss, Monika Bartyzel, Dawn Taylor, Elisabeth Rappe, Jen Yamato, Erik Davis and Peter Hall. For those who missed last night's 25 Hottest of 2009 list, head over here to check that out. Enjoy!


25. Year One

Take the director of National Lampoon's Vacation and Caddyshack, the writer of Ghostbusters and Groundhog Day, two writers from The Office, a cast that includes Jack Black, Michael Cera, Hank Azaria, David Cross, and Oliver Platt, and what do you get? One of the dullest comedies of year one, year two, or year 2009. -- ES

24. Rob Zombie
This rocker-auteur has only continued to prove how much of a fluke The Devil's Rejects was by re-crafting the origin story of Michael Myers into a tedious white-trash nightmare, by re-creating the sequel as a laughable psychodrama and then by having the gall to claim that the forthcoming DVD cut is the "real film" that fans really deserve. The only thing scary about these films is that Zombie clearly didn't think the fans deserved better the first two times around. But hey, anything to keep Mrs. Zombie on the payroll... -- WG


23. Bruno
Sacha Baron Cohen's follow-up to Borat got a few laughs, but something important was missing. Borat -- not the movie, but the character -- is naive, innocent, and enthusiastic. Bruno is calculating and ambitious, less likable and less fun to watch. That's important when the movie is centered on one person. ES

22. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Hey, look, it's another horrific video game adaptation from Hollywood. Both Max Payne and Hitman left sour tastes in our hearts and souls entering the year 2009, but this new adaptation of the classic fighter game took things to a new, painfully unbearable level, and left us with only one shining star in the form of an unforgettably cheesy performance from Chris Klein. -- ED

21. MGM
Last March, MGM seemed to have their act together. Thanks to Daniel Craig, James Bond was the hottest thing going, Guillermo Del Toro and Peter Jackson were going to The Shire, and they had a slew of R-rated remakes planned. While many induced pain (Death Wish), a Red Dawn reinvention seemed exciting, and the idea of a Darren Aronofsky Robocop was something to drool over. But bankruptcy means MGM is selling off its assets (even James Bond is on the auction block), and it's unclear what'll happen to the venerable studio. How does a studio go $3.9 billion dollars in debt, anyway? - ER

20. Photoshopping Movie Posters

You know what would be clever? If we took the New Moon poster, digitally replaced Robert Pattinson with Woody Allen, and made it into Jew Moon. Oh, did we say clever? We meant stupid. -- DT



19. Holiday Movies in the Wrong Season
When a holiday movie is slated to hit theaters, we crazy people might think it would come out during the holiday it covers. Not this year. First, we got Disney's A Christmas Carol sweeping in with its 3D animation in early November, not making any waves, and fading well before the holiday season really kicked into gear. Even worse, Nia Vardalos offered her follow-up romcom I Hate Valentine's Day in July, failing quickly. Granted, the latter wasn't only about the big V-day, but slipping into the summer release schedule, it failed to grab even the couples desperate for romance on February 14 – a move that might have earned the film more than the price of a cheap car. -- MB

18. Will Ferrell

There are only so many comedies you can take where the overly goofy but lovable guy makes a fool of himself. This year, it looks like Will Ferrel finally found his limit. The Goods barely made back its budget while Land of the Lost fell a good $30+ million below its $100 mil price tag. Now Forbes calls him the most overpaid actor in the business. Is there any way Ferrell can regain his money-making ways? -- MB

17. Horror movies in 3D
For better or worse, 2009 proved that 3D was here to stay. And if you happened to be a 3D horror movie in '09, you pretty much fell exclusively into the "for worse" category. Studio horror movies opting for the extra dimensional conversion consisted exclusively of the kind of coming-at-ya gags that were lame over two decades ago when Friday the 13th Part 3 was poking a rake into your face. Sure, the cheaply made My Bloody Valentine remake and fourth Final Destination movie did as expected at the box office (thanks to the higher price of 3D tickets), but no one walked out praising the effect. Its movies like those that keep the word gimmick on the ends of cynic's tongues. Until a serious horror movie takes an approach to 3D that doesn't bank on jabbing pointy things into the air, until a director actually uses the extra depth to immerse the audience in the terror, 3D horror is going to be as lame in the 2010s as it was in the 1980s. -- PH

16. Terminator Franchise
Three Terminator films dealt with killer robots coming here from the future to assassinate people. Then the fourth one, wrongly titled Terminator Salvation, takes place in the future, loses its central conceit, and delivers nothing but gloom. No wonder Christian Bale was in such a bad mood on the set. -- ER

15. Nicolas Cage
While the rest of the world thought the only bad decisions Nicolas Cage made had to do with his choice of film roles, the actor was actually racking up millions of dollars in debt, forcing him to sell some of his homes and personal possessions. And if his much-publicized money woes weren't embarrassing enough, apparently a number of different bloggers decided that 2009 was the year to pay tribute to Cage's many intriguing hairstyles. -- ED

14. Kate Hudson's singing
We'd love you give you Nine reasons why Kate Hudson shouldn't be singing, like, anything at all ... ever, but it might be better to just show you this ... ED



13. Review Embargoes
Film critics – well, most of them – operate by a strict, unspoken treaty that dates back years; hold a review until opening day, or else. There are exceptions, of course; the trades publish early because they're trade rags, and therefore available to only a few insiders (and anyone with an internet connection). And then there are the maverick bloggers and yes, newspapers (*cough, Guardian, cough*) who jump the gun just to be first online. Which leaves, dear reader, the critical corps of rule-followers who are left to twiddle their thumbs 'til opening day. So we say, repeal the embargo laws, or give equality to all! -- JY



12. Nia Vardalos
After seeing her first feature explode to ultra phenomenon status, Nia Vardalos faded from the spotlight, offering the ignored Connie and Carla before disappearing from the film world all together. Five years later, 2009 became a do or die year. First, she descended upon the Acropolis with My Life in Ruins, a film that was nothing to write home about. But then she followed it up with something even worse -- her third penned feature – I Hate Valentine's Day. This romantic comedy failed terribly, pulling in only eleven grand domestically, before finding $1.3 million overseas. Her next feature, I Hate That My Career is Now in Ruins, is due out ... when, exactly? -- MB

11. Origin Stories
Once upon a time, moviegoers embraced mystery. We didn't need to know where The Man With No Name came from, how Han Solo had fallen on hard times, or who Kyle Reese was before Judgment Day. But those days are gone. Now, Hollywood seeks to emulate superheroes, and create origin stories for everyone from the Ninja Turtles, to Captain Nemo to Lara Croft. Characters can no longer be, they must be rebooted and explained thoroughly in order to properly earn their franchises. Sure, it worked with Star Trek, but did you really need to know the origin of Shrek's Puss in Boots? No. No, you did not. -- ER

Check out the top ten right over here...