Cinematical has just received this exclusive, leaked memo from the new Disney-centric Marvel. Of course, we cannot guarantee its authenticity.
August 31, 2009
Memo to all Current Marvel/Disney employees:
The following changes are to be made, effective immediately, concerning the nature, personality and behavior of some of the Marvel characters.
1. The Avengers will no longer be called The Avengers. This name suggests vengeance or revenge, which does not represent a healthy Disney attitude. The new name will be "The Befrienders."
2. Wolverine will no longer be allowed to drink beer or smoke cigars. Likewise, Iron Man will no longer drink martinis. Juice boxes are acceptable.
3. Kitty Pryde will now be played by Miley Cyrus.
4. Bruce Banner will no longer turn into the Hulk when angry. Now he will turn into the Hulk whenever he hears a certain tune. (Tune to be performed by Miley Cyrus.)
5. Captain America will become Captain World, because it is a small one, after all.
6. Sub-Mariner will be incorporated into any eventual Finding Nemo sequels.
7. The Silver Surfer will now ride a silver skateboard. Likewise, he will wear a backward baseball cap and baggy jeans with a flop of silver hair hanging over one eye. He must always be grinning, and he will make wisecracks.
8. Thor's excessively violent hammer will be replaced by a large, delicious Popsicle.
9. The Fantastic Four will be disbanded to gently distract from how closely they actually resemble The Incredibles. And, let's face it. The Incredibles was a much better movie than either of the Fantastic Four movies.
10. Spider-Man now required to clean up all used webbing from rooftops and subway cars.
Thank you for implementing these changes. If there are any objections, I suggest you take it up with our new Complaint Department. His name is Doctor Doom.