20th Century Fox has issued a press release stating that it plans to drastically "re-calibrate" the narrative of Gavin Hood's Tsotsi follow-up, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, while still maintaining its scheduled opening in theaters everywhere on May 1st.

"Look," said CEO Tom Rothman in a prepared statement, "[expletive] those weaselly little mother[expletive]ers that couldn't hold onto their [expletive]ing horses to see this film and pay to do so. This is our way of sticking it to the so-called 'fans' who managed to show up for three of these flicks and purported to be willing to show up for this one, even though the last one was a total piece of [expletive]."

Directing duties on the new footage have been split between three helmers: actor Liev Schreiber has reportedly filmed a nineteen-minute tracking shot that has each and every member of the project's cast and crew extending their middle fingers towards the camera (save for Ryan Reynolds, already occupied by preparations on Julie Taymor's The Proposal: The Musical).


James McTeigue was then hired to shoot the literal murder of the man responsible for leaking the film late last night, Guy Finch, at the hands of a firing squad. Franchise veteran Brett Ratner has just wrapped filming on the film's third portion, in which Rothman and Hood take turns actually sodomizing real-life bloggers and message board trolls who were caught downloading the film. (The last known Tweet of one Snikt683 read as follows: "4 am, time for another Hot Pock-- omg who's knockin, OMG! ITS OSCAR HOST WOLVERINE! Dude, what the F, stop shoving me, running out of char-")

Despite featuring non-simulated on-screen sodomy and rampant flick-off-ery, the MPAA -- for fear of losing their reputation as a hypocritical body in the industry -- has granted this new version a PG for "whatever the hell Tom wants, just please let our families go, and for brief smoking." Once completed, the film will then be given a release directly to the same torrents that the original cut leaked on, followed by a one-week NY/LA awards consideration run on April 17th and a 3,000-screen opening on May 1st.

Despite being uncompleted at the time of this post, Ben Lyons has already been reported as saying that this most recent cut of X-Men Origins: Wolverine is "the best movie since the last one I saw!"

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In all seriousness, 20th Century Fox did issue this statement regarding the leaked film:

"Last night, a stolen, incomplete and early version of X-Men Origins: Wolverine was posted illegally on websites. It was without many effects and had missing scenes and temporary sound and music. We immediately contacted the appropriate legal authorities and had it removed. We forensically mark our content so we can identify sources that make it available or download it. The source of the initial leak and any subsequent postings will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law - the courts have handed down significant criminal sentences for such acts and the last person who committed such a crime is still in jail. The FBI and the MPAA also are actively investigating this crime. We are encouraged by the support of fansites condemning piracy and this illegal posting and pointing out that such theft undermines the enormous efforts of the filmmakers and actors, and above all, hurts the fans of the film."

[via HitFix]