My imagination was caught by the title of the upcoming movie Monsters vs. Aliens. I've seen a lot of monster movies and films with aliens in them. I wondered how would some of these characters fare in battle against one another. How would the gentle aliens from Galaxy Quest be able to stand up to vampires? Could Superman defeat the monster from The Host? How would Ford Prefect deal with Noah Cross?
So I decided to stage a smackdown event featuring some of the best-known monsters and aliens in film in one-on-one combat. Instead of matching up characters with similar (or notably different) abilities, I paired them up the old-fashioned way: pulling names out of a hat. Two hats -- I filled one with the names of every alien creature I could think of from movies, and another with every conceivable monster. Here are the results. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Match One: Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man (Ghostbusters) vs. Audrey II (Levi Stubbs in Little Shop of Horrors)
We kick off with a good strong match, right out of 1980s horror-themed comedies. Audrey II tries to lure Mr. Stay-Puft to somewhere green and deadly, but finds out that he can't eat or digest marshmallow fluff. The Marshmallow Man drowns Audrey II in tons of sticky-sweet goo and wins, while amazingly acquiring the mellow voice of Levi Stubbs. The world now must face a giant smiling monster who sings "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch" while wreaking mass havoc.
Score: Monsters 1, Aliens 0
Match Two: Rabbit with Nasty Big Pointy Teeth (Monty Python and the Holy Grail) vs. Alien (Alien, Aliens, etc.)
That's a whole lot of razor-sharp teeth. And I can see that crazed bunny putting up a helluva fight. But in the end, it'll be one rabbit stew coming right up for the alien whose tribe has managed to survive a half-dozen action-horror films. After all, you haven't seen a movie called Rabbit vs. Predator, have you?
Score: Monsters 1, Aliens 1
Match Three: Gill Man (Creature from the Black Lagoon) vs. Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert, Highlander series)
Okay, maybe everyone was so embarrassed by this that they tried to hide it in subsequent movies and director's cuts, but I saw Highlander 2: The Quickening and I know that Connor MacLeod is an alien. The question is, would his shiny sharp katana penetrate the thick skin of the Gill Man? The Gill Man is pretty slow, so Connor may get more than one attempt. In fact, if Connor can find a willing female in a bikini to distract the watery creature, he should have no problem hacking him to death.
Score: Monsters 1, Aliens 2
Match Four: King of the Dead/Bad Ash (Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness) vs. Mac, Wiploc, and Zeebo (Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans in Earth Girls are Easy)
If Ash can defeat the King of the Dead, it shouldn't be too hard for anyone else. However, the trio of bumbling aliens from Julien Temple's bizarre cult movie don't keep science books in the trunk of their spaceship. They do have that weird "love touch" power, but discover that it only works on live creatures -- the undead only grow angrier. Sam Raimi's monster ultimately has more deadly Three Stooges moves than Carrey and company.
Score: Monsters 2, Aliens 2
Match Five: Scott Howard (Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf) vs.The Brother (Joe Morton in The Brother from Another Planet)
We're back in the 1980s for this match, in which the weeniest werewolf ever faces one of the coolest aliens on film. No contest. Scott may be able to jump and slam-dunk like a champ, but eventually he'll stop and whine about his love life. While he's so distracted, The Brother will silently lay hands on him, cure him of his lycanthropy, and turn the teen wolf into a relatively harmless teen wimp.
Score: Monsters 2, Aliens 3
Match Six: Godzilla (any Godzilla movie) vs. E.T. (E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial)
This is what happens when you pick death matches randomly. Maybe I should have tried a Sweet 16 set. Poor little E.T. flies through the air and wields his magical healing finger, but is no challenge for the mighty Godzilla, whose films are legion and span decades of international box-office victory. Maybe Mothra could jump in to help, but which side would it take?
Score: Monsters 3, Aliens 3
Match Seven: Eleanor Iselin (Angela Lansbury in The Manchurian Candidate) vs. Borg Queen (Alice Krige in Star Trek: First Contact)
What a tiebreaker! These are truly two adversaries worthy of one another. The Borg Queen tries to assimilate the seemingly All-American politician's wife, but the love of a mother like Eleanor can smother anything. They fight to a draw, then realize that their repulsive yet seductive energies are better spent in joining forces to brainwash the rest of us. Resistance is futile.
Score: Monster-Alien Coalition 1, Earthlings 0