TAGS fan+rant


Dear jerks,

I totally get that you, a middle-aged couple and their rotten little 13-year-old, spike-faced offspring, just HAD to go see The Uninvited at 4:50 on opening day at the AMC Franklin Mills 24 theater ... but why did you have to be so stunningly obnoxious about the whole excursion?

You're probably wondering what made me so angry, so because you're unbelievably stupid, I'll tell you: Your loud wife and snotty teen felt the need to pretty much NARRATE the entire prologue of the film, which is clearly a dream sequence and therefore not beholden to logic. Your repeated queries of "Huh?" and "What's goin' ON?" were not answered by the giant movie screen, and so you replaced your questions with simple assertions.

"That's creepy," is what I hear when a shadow moves across the screen. "That bikini is pretty small," you helpfully inform me when a girl in the film appears wearing a bikini. And yet, not only five minutes earlier, I asked you (politely and with a SMILE) if you'd please stop talking. But you took that as a challenge to be subtle.

After about seven minutes of actual quiet, Mom and Teen had hatched a plan: Ugly daughter would fake-cough very loudly and dryly, while stupid mother would pat her on the back (very loudly) as if some sort of gastronomical emergency was taking place. Dad, for his part, probably a little worried that the "shush guy" one row ahead might actually have a firearm, did nothing. On the other hand, he sure didn't tell his wife and kid to stop acting like monumental ass-faces.

By the time teen daughter had taking to CRUNKLING UP her popcorn bag really loudly, but well after I started to realize that they were focusing more on annoying me than they were on The Uninvited ... I just snapped. I'm surprised I didn't throw a soda right in the sneering little harridan's face. "So you're just gonna make SPITE NOISE until the movie ends, huh? Just because I had the ignorance to ask you to stop talking during a movie. And you, the parents, condoning it. Brilliant." The young one tried to mumble a response like "Hey, we paid for our tickets TOO, y'know," as if this somehow gives a moron the right to harass an entire audience, but I was too livid to respond. Plus there were at least five other people in the auditorium, and I felt bad about bothering them.

So I ran to the AMC security-looking guy, who promptly went in and chastised the family. I felt good. Then the manager gave me some free passes and I finished watching the damn movie. I feel even better. Oh, and thanks, jerks: I actually have to review this film, and now all I can think about is beating that snot-faced brat with a stick.

But I will keep fighting the fight. The one that says "You know what? Public auditoriums are not your freakin' family room! Shut UP!"