Earlier today, Cinematical game-master Erik Davis informed us that Hasbro and Universal were teaming up to make movies out of games like Battleship, Candy Land, Ouija, and a few others. Now, I actually think that something like Battleship and/or Candy Land could actually make for some pretty good flicks, provided you hire some good filmmakers, of course. But then I got to thinking about all the BAD movies that could probably be made out of the old-school board games. And so I give you...
Roland Emmerich's Hungry Hungry Hippos -- An expedition to find the fabled White Marbles of Maui unleashes a quartet of stunningly ravenous and pastel-colored hippopotami who devour everything in their path. Able to re-attach their heads with only a parents' assistance, the Hippos seem completely unstoppable ... until one overzealous kid evens the playing field with a well-placed hammer.
Wes Craven's Operation -- John Smith had been admitted to General Hospital for only a routine appendectomy. But when he awakens, his penis is missing, his nose has been replaced by a light bulb, his body is covered with massive wounds, and three eight-year-olds are pulling tiny plastic toys out of his neck with an electric tweezers. Rated NC-17.
Paul W.S. Anderson's Boggle vs. Yahtzee: Die -- A group of stupid teenagers mix all their Boggle and Yahtzee dice together, resulting in the creation of a new language that unlocks a dimension filled with monsters, strobe lights, and bad editing.
Ken Russell's Connect Four -- Four lovers (two black and two red) spend a few hours bouncing off each other, clattering on to the floor, and (ultimately) making one successful connection.
Ridley Scott's Trouble -- The Green family is terrorized by a family who (somehow) look just like them! The newcomers claim to be from a city called Parcheesi, and they keep jumping on the Greens and sending them back home, but only a visit to the powerful Irish deity Pop O'Maddick can solve the mystery.
Quentin Tarantino's Don't Tip the Waiter -- Steve Buscemi stars as a cheap hood who refuses to tip, which inspires a French team of waiter-assassins to take a contract out on his life. (OK, to those who don't remember Don't Tip the Waiter, here's an alternate: Victor Salva's Mystery Date.)
Larry Clark's Hi-Ho-Cherry-O -- An underage heroin addict who hasn't bathed in six weeks sets out on a mission to deflower as many girls as possible while visiting a Seattle meth clinic.
...and obviously I want suggestions from the readership. If we get enough amusing ones, I'll do a follow-up piece.