Sure, it's easy enough to find the up-side of the handsome hunks of horror film. Hunks are easy. They're (mostly) hot, with their nicely whitened teeth and their hair product-styled to perfection, their six-pack abs, their ... sorry, where was I? Oh, right. Hunks versus Slashers. Jeff and Monika have already brought you the hottest hunks and chicks of horror; guess who drew the short straw and had to pick the slashers? (Actually, I volunteered for this one, so I guess that says something freaky about me ... ) My mission: to determine the hottest horror slashers (at least, according to me). These are the bad boys of horror you just can't stop thinking about, the ones who keep popping up in your dreams ... or nightmares. Whether they slash with blades on their fingers, roque mallets, or your basic kitchen knife, these are the boys you don't want to bring home to introduce to the folks over Sunday dinner ... unless you want your family to be the main course.
Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates (Psycho) My mother always told me: Never date a mama's boy. Little Normie's devotion to his mother was sweet, sure, but his methods of showing it left a little to be desired. But you have to admit, there's something about a guy who might stab you through the shower curtain if the mood strikes that guarantees that you'll never be bored while getting ready for your big date night. Anthony Perkins' striking performance as Norman Bates set the bar for horror slashers for decades -- even after all these years, watching Psycho still sends shivers up your spine. (View the trailer for Psycho or go straight to the gallery!)
Doug Bradley as Pinhead (Hellraiser) Sure, all those nails stuck into his skull give new meaning to the word "hammered" -- not to mention making it a little tricksy to coordinate outfits for those hot dates to movie premieres -- but at least, in his own bizarrely twisted way, Pinhead had a sense of fair play. Of course, if you make the wrong choice, your evening is gonna go downhill in a hurry. There's nothing like giant fishhooks pulling your flesh 14 different ways to put a damper on date night. On the plus side, though, you're probably pretty safe being walked home after dinner by a guy who looks like he had a close encounter with a nail gun, on purpose. (View the trailer for Hellraiser ... or go straight to the gallery!)
Jack Nicholson as Jack Torrance (The Shining) Heeeeeere's Johnny. The scariest thing about Jack Torrance, the alcoholic writer, husband and dad who turns into a monster (this inhuman place makes human monsters) after he accepts a job as winter caretaker at a haunted hotel, is that he's just a normal guy who goes a little insane and wants to kill his wife and young son. This is one of Stephen King's best stories exploring the whole "good father/bad father" theme that recurs throughout his body of work. The book, as is so often the case, was much better than the movie (though this is one of the better adaptations of King's writing overall, relatively speaking), because King was able to more fully explore the depth of Jack's disturbed soul through the eyes and mind of his gifted young son, Danny. Shelley Duvall annoyed the hell out of me as Wendy, but Jack Nicholson brought a whole level of crazy to Jack Torrance that wasn't in the book, and his performance was (redrum) mesmerizing, even if some thought it over-the-top. (View the trailer for The Shining ... or go straight to the gallery!)
Kevin Spacey as John Doe (Se7en) You'd think a guy obsessed with the Seven Deadly Sins would be a little more fun at a party (Gluttony, anyone? Perhaps a smidge of Lust or a dollop of Avarice in your martini?), but Kevin Spacey's John Doe was perhaps a little lacking in the social skills department. And John Doe was no run-of-mill serial killer; how many guys would even think of using the Seven Deadly Sins as their MO? That must have been some traumatic Catholic school upbringing ... I was raised Catholic myself, did the time in parochial schools, and had the Seven Deadly Sins drilled into my head, but you don't see a lot of folks quite as impressively obsessed with the Sins as John Doe was. He may have lacked in charisma and charm, and perhaps he dabbled in insanity, but he more than made up for with his knack for creative gift-giving. (View the trailer for Se7en ... or go straight to the gallery!)
Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street) It's a real shame Freddy had that complexion issue from being doused in gasoline and set on fire, because a guy with knife blades on his fingers is a rare find. If you live in a dicey part of town, you want a guy like Freddy to keep you safe from the maurading hordes -- no wussy gang members are gonna mess with Freddy's Girl, and least not while he's there with you, dragging those blades along the wall like deadly nails on a chalkboard. On the downside, Freddy doesn't really like kids all that much, so if you're looking for a guy who's going to be a solid, upstanding family man, Freddy probably isn't the best match. But for sheer style with his kills and inducing of terror, it's hard to find anyone who can compete with Freddy and his wicked knife fingers. Plus, he's handy at a party when you need someone to chop up some extra veggies in a hurry. (View the trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street ... or go straight to the gallery!)
Vincent D'Onofrio as Carl Stargher (The Cell) Carl Rudolph Stargher, now, there was an interesting guy ... definitely not what you're hoping for when you're perusing the personal ads, for sure. I mean, I've known a lot of guys who lived in dream worlds in their heads where they were the center of the universe, sure, but I've never dated anyone (that I know of anyhow) who got off on slowly drowning his victims in a custom-made tank in his basement, bleaching them white, and then arranging their doll-like bodies in freaky, sexually submissive positions in his mind. The Cell was one of the most unique and fascinating horror movies I've ever seen; I'm not generally a huge fan of the genre, but this film gave me nightmares for months. View the trailer for The Cell ... or go straight to the gallery!)
Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) What was Hannibal Lecter's mother thinking, giving him a name that rhymed with "cannibal?" Everyone knows that the names you give your kid can influence the way they turn out, for good and bad, and it's just not highly recommended to give your kid a name that might encourage him to go down the path of eating human flesh. You can see how it might have happened ...Flashback: there's little Hannibal, reading a psychology textbook on the playground, minding his own business. Here comes the playground bully, some big, knuckle-dragging kid, looking to taunt the annoying young brainiac. What can he call him, though ... ooh, cannibal! That rhymes! He's not quite sure what it means, but it must be something bad, right? But surprisingly, young Hannibal doesn't seem to think of it as a bad nickname ... he just looks thoughtfully at the bully over the edge of his textbook, licking his lips thoughtfully. At least Hannibal grew up to be a serial killer with an edge of class about him, serving up his dinner guests with some fava beans and a nice chianti ... not every serial killer thinks about the little touches, and everyone knows details are the way to a girl's heart. Just be careful, Hannibal may have something in mind for your heart besides just winning it. (View the trailer for The Silence of the Lambs ... .or go straight to the gallery!)