Did you know that something like 98.8% of all movie tickets are sold to people between the ages of 14 and 18? Yep, completely untrue. But it sure feels that way if you spend a lot of time at the mall-style multiplexes. I swear they're like a plague that never shuts up and throws you a nasty sneer if you happen to DARE to ask them to shut the f...

Oops, sorry. Just got a little aggravated after having a movie near-ruined for me last night. (What the hell were eight 15-year-olds doing at a midnight screening of Death at a Funeral, for cryin' out loud?) But while I honestly have nothing against teenagers, I'd still contend that the only people they DON'T annoy in movie theaters are other teenagers. Kids, seriously: No matter how large your dad's widescreen mega-plasma wall-covering TV monitor is, there's still a big difference between a movie theater and your living room. Please shut the hell up for about 120 minutes.

Whoa, I got sidetracked again. (Focus!) Last night on Fox we got to see what the teens like best. They threw some squee-love towards a bunch of TV shows and musicians, but (fortunately) we're a movie site and so that's all I'm focusing on. Beneath the jump you'll find a (big) list of the 2007 Teen Choice Awards nominees, the winners, and some oh-so-snarky commentary from a grown-up child who, yes, used to be one of those loud-ass jerky 15-year-olds not so very long ago.

OMG Liek The 2007 Teen Choice Award Winners! (winners in bold)

Choice Movie: Action Adventure
300
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Spider-Man 3
Transformers

-- The kids just can't get enough of that wacky Jack. And that mega-vanilla romance stuff, apparently.

Choice Movie: Drama
Step Up
Stomp the Yard
The Departed
The Guardian
The Pursuit of Happyness


-- We can forgive the teens for this one. They're not yet old enough to have seen this story 1,216 times by now.

Choice Movie Actor: Drama
Ashton Kutcher (The Guardian)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Departed, Blood Diamond)
Channing Tatum (Step Up)
Adam Sandler (Reign Over Me)
Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

-- Interesting mix of nominees. And who knew "Channing" was a guy?

Choice Movie Actress: Drama

Angelina Jolie (A Mighty Heart)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Lindsay Lohan (Bobby, Georgia Rule)
Meagan Good (Stomp the Yard)
Scarlett Johansson (The Black Dahlia, The Prestige)

-- Really? And this wasn't a singing award?

Choice Movie Actor: Action Adventure
Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)
Chris Evans (Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer)
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)
Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)
Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

-- Captain Jack Sparrow covers pretty much all the bases with the teens: Gay, straight, male, female. They all love him.

Choice Movie Actress: Action Adventure
Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
Keira Knightley (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)
Kirsten Dunst (Spider-Man 3)
Lena Headey (300)
Megan Fox (Transformers)

-- Wait, are you sure this awards presentation wasn't on The Disney Channel?

Choice Movie Actress: Comedy
Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)
Jessica Simpson (Employee of the Month)
Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up)
Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die)
Kate Hudson (You, Me and Dupree)

-- OK, I know Ms Heigl wasn't the big laugh-getter but ... come on! And if this list doesn't illustrate how rare it is for a woman to get a solid comedic role ... sheesh.

Choice Movie Actor: Comedy
Ben Stiller (Night at the Museum)
Jon Heder (School for Scoundrels, Blades of Glory)
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)
Will Ferrell (Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Blades of Glory)

-- C'mon. Borat all the way.

Choice Movie: Horror/Thriller
Disturbia
The Number 23
1408
Hostel: Part II
Saw III

-- Yeah right. I'm sure we'll see a new Disturbia sequel every year for the next three years.

Choice Movie Actor: Horror/Thiller
Josh Duhamel (Turistas)
Jim Carrey (The Number 23)
Ryan Gosling (Fracture)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Zodiac)
Shia LaBeouf (Disturbia)

-- I'd have gone with Gyllenhaal, but then I'm not 14. Still, Shia was the best thing in that movie...

Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thiller
Jordana Brewster (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Amber Tamblyn (The Grudge 2)
Elisha Cuthbert (Captivity)
Jessica Biel (Next)
Sophia Bush (The Hitcher)

-- Wwwwwait a second! That movie's rated R! What's going on here? Won't somebody think of the children?

Choice Movie Villain
Al Pacino (Willie Bank) - Ocean's Thirteen
Bill Nighy (Davy Jones) - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Julian McMahon (Victor Von Doom) - Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Megatron - Transformers
Topher Grace (Venom) - Spider-Man 3

-- Hey, maybe someone should make a Pirates 4!

Choice Movie: Comedy
Blades of Glory
Evan Almighty
Knocked Up
Night at the Museum
Ocean's Thirteen

-- Note: The only R-rated one in the bunch.

Choice Movie Hissy Fit
Cameron Diaz (The Holiday)
Will Ferrell (Blades Of Glory)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)
Jessica Alba (Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer)
Ryan Seacrest (Knocked Up)

-- OK, very good pick. Guy was hilarious in that scene. Again, though, it's a damn raunchy flick for 14-year-olds. Someone quick! Blame the studios and the MPAA!

Choice Movie: Breakout Female
Megan Fox (Transformers)
Sophia Bush (John Tucker Must Die, The Hitcher)
Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls)
Emma Roberts (Nancy Drew)
Rachel Bilson (The Last Kiss)

-- I bet you all the teenage boys who voted for Sophia Bush were kicking themselves after seeing what Megan Fox looks like.

Choice Movie: Dance
Columbus Short (Stomp The Yard)
Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan (Step Up)
Ioan Gruffudd (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)
Jon Heder and Will Ferrell (Blades of Glory)
Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)

-- Yay. Dancing.

Choice Movie: Breakout Male
Chris Brown (Stomp the Yard)
Justin Timberlake (Alpha Dog, Black Snake Moan)
Shia LaBeouf (Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, Disturbia, Transformers)
Justin Long (Accepted, The Break-Up, Live Free or Die Hard, Idiocracy)
Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)

-- Yeah, the kid's having a great year. And 2008 looks even bigger.

Choice Movie Chemistry
Shia LaBeouf and Bumblebee (Transformers)
Ocean's Thirteen (Ocean's Thirteen)
Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd (Knocked Up)
Will Smith and Jaden Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness)
Will Ferrell and Jon Heder (Blades of Glory)

-- Well, gee. I WONDER WHY.

Choice Movie Scream
Jonah Hill (Accepted)
Jordana Brewster (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Kate Beckinsale (Vacancy)
Arielle Kebbel (The Grudge 2)
Steve Carell (Evan Almighty)

-- Dumb category. Bad movie. And notice how the 'bad' movies didn't win.

Choice TV Movie
High School Musical 2
Jump In!
Life Is Not A Fairy Tale: The Fantasia Barrino Story
The Initiation of Sarah
The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie


-- Well this is about as surprising as another Saw sequel.

Choice Summer Movie - Drama / Action Adventure
Fantastic 4: Rise of The Silver Surfer
Live Free or Die Hard
Transformers
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Bourne Ultimatum


-- Wait. Where's the drama?

Choice Summer Movie - Comedy/Musical
Rush Hour 3
Superbad
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
The Simpsons Movie
Hairspray


-- I'm just tired of doing this at this point.

Choice Movie Rumble
Spider-Man 3 - Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) and New Goblin (James Franco) vs. Venom (Topher Grace) and Sandman (Thomas Haden Church)
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - Will Turner(Orlando Bloom) vs. Crew of The Flying Dutchman
Transformers - Captain Lennox (Josh Duhamel) vs. Blackout
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer - Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) vs. Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon)
300 - Spartans vs. The Immortals

-- So now you know who to blame if you hate the Pirates sequels.

Choice Movie Liplock

Keira Knightley & Orlando Bloom (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
Kirsten Dunst & Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3)
Megan Fox & Shia LaBeouf (Transformers)
Drew Barrymore & Hugh Grant (Music and Lyrics)
Beyonce & Jamie Foxx (Dreamgirls)

-- OMG where's my fanfic livejournal?

Choice Movie: Chick Flick
Georgia Rule
License to Wed
Music and Lyrics
The Holiday
The Last Kiss

-- THESE are the options??
CATEGORIES Awards, Cinematical