Okay, so who watched Paris Hilton on Larry King Live last night? It's okay to raise your hand, we won't judge. Heck, even more pathetic than Hilton attempting to re-invent herself as a bible-reading, anti-substance abuse spokesmodel was the fact that I actually taped the program. Yes, I attended a private screening of Danny Boyle's Sunshine last night and was unable to catch the show at its usual time. So what did I do? I taped it. [Stands up] Hello, my name is Erik and I'm obsessed with watching Paris Hilton embarrass herself. "Hi Erik!" Anyway, I still haven't had time to watch said show, but apparently Hilton mentioned that she has lined up two movie roles for herself this summer. Two! (As I wrote that, I could sense a group of struggling actors throughout the world silently beginning to plot the girl's demise.)

Two weeks in a minimum security resort was apparently "the most humiliating experience of my life," according to Hilton. A fascinating answer, considering she made a name for herself off a sex tape that spread faster than (insert your own dirty joke here). No word yet on which two films she's lined up (or when we can expect them to go straight to DVD), but she can next be seen as Christabelle Abbott in The Hottie and the Nottie. That film apparently revolves around a hottie girl (please don't say Hilton) who refuses to get married until she can find a perfect match for her ugly best friend. Aww, so sweet. Perhaps Hilton can next take the film around to various schools and talk about how ugly people deserve to have sex too. Call it community service ... Hilton style!