So is it just me, or is the summer movie season off to a crappy start? Oh the numbers are big with both 'Spider-Man 3' and 'Shrek 3' breaking box office records, and 'Pirates 3' is sure to do some record busting of its own. But aside from 'Shrek 3' (which I liked a lot), 'Spider-Man' got caught in his own web of emo B.S. and 'Pirates 3' ... just blows. But I'm not giving up the ship just yet (or limiting my high expectations to indie fare). I have super high hopes for 'Knocked Up' and I actually think that 'Transformers' might rock the house.
But in the meantime, matey, here's my take on this weekend's wide releases. Oh, but first ... What do Captain Jack Sparrow and Colin Farrell have in common? They're both searching for booty!! (Ba-dum ching!) And what do you call a pirate who poses for Playboy? A Play-matey! Thanks, I'll be here all week.
OK, here we go. Yes, that's right, the much anticipated finale of the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' series sails into theaters.
(Announcer voice) Last time on 'Pirates' ... If you remember, at the end of 'Pirates 2,' Lord Cutler stole Davy Jones' heart and Captain Jack was sent to Davy Jones' locker at the end of the world. Now, Captain Barbossa, Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann lead the crew of the Black Pearl to the world's end to rescue Jack Sparrow and to find the Pieces of Eight to reunite the Pirate Council of Nine to fight against Cutler, Jones and the entire East India Trading Company armada.
Say what? There's no way you can understand what I just said because I don't even understand what I just said. It doesn't make any sense. This movie is more jumbled than Keith Richards' noggin, and if you don't remember much about the second movie, or you didn't see it ... actually, it doesn't matter because even if you did see it, yesterday, you're still not gonna know what the eff is goin' on. Savvy?? Captian Jack is now a caricature, not a character, the charm is gone and at three hours long, 'Pirates 3' takes longer to sink than the Titanic. I'm out.
If you're looking for something a little different, and a little freaky (a lot freaky, actually), check out Ashley Judd in 'Bug.' No, Samuel Jackson isn't in it, and she's not trying to hunt down a killer.
She plays a lonely, needy, cranked-out bar-maid living in a flea-bag motel and dealing with an abusive ex-husband (played by Harry Connick Jr.). When her girlfriend introduces her to a soft spoken whack-a-doodle played by Michael Shannon, the two form a strange bond that leads down a path of self destruction ... because they think that an infestation of bugs in the hotel room and in their flesh is really part of a government conspiracy.
The Reel Deal: This movie is part drama, thriller, horror ... and not knowing what to expect is the best part. It's very well acted, (Ashley Judd really lets it fly here, in more ways than one). It's weird, creepy, scary, gross, disturbing -- not the her being naked -- I'm talking about 'Bug.' And I'm in.
Also in limited release this weekend are the romance 'Angel-A' and the anime adventure 'Paprika.'
All right, so do yourself a favor and if you're going to see 'Pirates' (no matter what everyone tells you) buy your tickets in advance. At least you will have been smart enough to do that. Have a great holiday weekend and maybe I'll see you at the movies.