If there's anything more pathetic in the movie business than a witless novelty act who somehow struck gold and grew some delusions of talent, it's a witless novelty act who somehow struck gold and grew some delusions of talent -- but is blissfully unaware that his 15 minutes of fame have long since expired and so he still keeps churning out worthless garbage for the masses. Yes friends, I just got back from checking out the latest "Larry the Cable Guy" movie. It's called Delta Farce and it is, without question, one of the worst comedies I've ever seen. I know this is just one guy's opinion, but when someone who's seen about 9,000 movies uses the words "worst" and "ever" when describing a new film, you might want to heed that person's advice. And I use the word "film" not as a synonym for "movie," but to mean "very similar to that stuff that accumulates on your teeth when you forget to brush."

Since everyone even remotely connected to the conception, production and release of Delta Farce knows that it's a shameless piece of crap, the film did not screen for the press. As it was my assignment to review this film (thereby smashing all those fallacies that critics always have an enviable job), I decided to walk in to the experience with some high hopes. Sure, "Cable Guy" has tortured me with his worthless stand-up routines and that astonishingly awful Health Inspector movie -- but I figure if you HAVE to see a movie, your best bet is to walk in with a small sense of optimism. Yes, even if the movie in question features something called "Larry the Cable Guy." But just to be a jerk, I bought a ticket for 28 Weeks Later before walking straight into Delta Farce. A petty move, but it made me feel good.

It look less than four minutes of the nauseatingly inept Delta Farce before that small but sincere sense of hopefulness was dashed onto the theater floor like so many broken Budweiser bottles. Delta Farce is about three insipid army reservists who get dropped out of a military plane while taking a nap in a jeep, only to wake up in Mexico. And here's the punch line: The dolts think they're in Iraq! Oh the hilarity. I'd love to see the ideas that Larry's crack comedy team came up with and tossed aside before settling on this premise. Holy crap, what did I just say? Scratch that: I would NOT like to see any of those ideas. Not on stage, not on television, and certainly not in movies.

The other two idiots are played by Bill Engvall (who he is and why he gets to star in an alleged comedy, I have no idea) and professional beanpole DJ Qualls. (Just to show you what kind of actors they are, Larry stars as "Larry" and Bill plays "Bill." Qualls has a little movie experience, so he's trusted to play someone called "Everett.") At least Larry knows how to hire co-stars who won't get more laughs than he does. Matter of fact, they all share the same batting average in Delta Farce: .000. What's most irritating among Larry's schtick (and we've got about 542 things to choose from) is that his on-screen persona is that of a fat, squeaky-drawled hero -- when in fact his movie (hell, his entire routine) is little more than a salad bar of misogyny, homophobia and hatred for all things that aren't A) American, B) male and C) stupid.

There are a thousand things wrong with this sorry excuse for a movie, but it'd be stupid to point out stuff like inept direction, clumsy editing or atrocious acting performances while analyzing Delta Farce. Instead I'll give you all the jokes right now. If the following list makes you chuckle out loud ONCE then you should definitely run directly to the nearest multiplex and see Delta Farce. (And I say "run" because, based on the 4% full theater I just saw the thing in, I'm guessing this miserable failure will be out of cinemas quicker than the Taco Bell I just ate will be out of my colon.) Out of respect for veteran character actor Keith David, I won't even get into the humiliations he's forced to endure here. I just hope he was well-paid.

Anyway, here's what passes for humor in Delta Farce: fart sounds, pee drinking, lens caps, "turds & shit-ites," clumsily set-up puns that weren't worth the effort, cub scouts at Neverland Ranch, Detroit, Slim Jims, Hooters, turbans, camel ass, war brides, shameless mentions of well-known marketing logos, frequent use of the word "haji," weapons of mass destruction, chubby chasers ... and the joke that Larry seems proudest of? The Mexican villain's name is Carlos Santana, which is also the name of a famous musician. That's literally the whole joke. And when all else fails, director C.B. Harding (a.k.a. Bizarro World's next Billy Wilder) leans on that wonderful old stand-by: Comedic anal rape committed by garish "fag" stereotypes. Yes, film historians, you can actually get in line and watch the devolution of American comedy as it happens! (Nah, I'm just kidding. There's no way you'd have to stand in line to see Delta Farce.)

And then, once all the alleged comedy is done, the fart machine has been packed away, and our hero is finished mocking anything that's not fat, complacent, straight, lazy, male and American, Larry the Cable Guy (the guy who specializes in jokes about trailer parks and dirt-covered children) actually has the stones to offer a half-baked speech on the nature of heroism. It's a pathetic and transparent attempt to pander just a little more to an audience he hopes is stupid enough to swallow it. The guy is shameless, his material is worthless, and after this cinematic abortion I'm praying he's left career-less. Larry, seriously, nothing's sadder than the lampshade idiot who doesn't know when to leave the party. Just be grateful that your base and hateful schtick earned you a pile of money and simply fade away silently already. Maybe one day you'll be mentioned on a Trivial Pursuit card.